Jokes

[wanted2b]

I'm My Own Grandpa

 

Many many years ago

When I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow

Who was pretty as could be.

 

This widow had a grown-up daughter

Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

And soon the two were wed.

 

This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my father's wife.

 

To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.

 

My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.

 

For if he was my uncle,

Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.

 

Father's wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughter's son.

 

My wife is now my mother's mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She's my grandmother too.

 

If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.

 

For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa!

[SoCalSGT]

Annual Physical:

 

When my Doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him: "Well, yesterday

afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake, barely escaped from a fox in

the heavy brush, marched along a treacherous trail up and down a mountain, stood

in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and barely escaped jumping

away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

 

Inspired by my story, the Doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

 

No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

[Denstang65]

Do you know why toy trains are like womens boobies?

 

They are intended for the children, but its the daddy's that play with them!

 

 

I know this to be true because I'm a daddy

[SoCalSGT]

My Favorite Animal

 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because

everyone else laughed.

 

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is

my favorite animal.

 

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a

member of PETA.

 

He said they love animals very much.

 

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent

me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he

laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was

because you could make them into fried chicken.

 

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me

not to do it again.

 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher

doesn't like it when I am.

 

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

 

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

[GTH391]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

 

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[MY500SS]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

 

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

 

 

[GTH391]

Ten years ago America had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.

 

Now America has no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

 

Please God, don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

[grsybtch]

Rogers Wedding

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . Since her new husband is

so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have

separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband

may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the

expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and

there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to

sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's

Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny

consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his

bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back

again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more

'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

 

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am

thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

 

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here

already?'

 

The moral of the story:

 

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages

[kstrong]

Rogers Wedding

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . Since her new husband is

so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have

separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband

may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the

expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and

there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to

sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's

Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny

consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his

bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back

again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more

'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

 

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am

thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

 

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here

already?'

 

The moral of the story:

 

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages

Thanks.

[mywickedshelby]

Rogers Wedding

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . Since her new husband is

so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have

separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband

may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the

expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and

there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to

sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's

Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny

consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his

bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back

again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more

'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

 

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am

thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

 

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here

already?'

 

The moral of the story:

 

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages

 

 

Ive met Roger......and there is no way he is 85.........

 

 

 

75 tops!

[mywickedshelby]

j/k Roger!

[Burning Blue Star IV]

Ten years ago America had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now America has no cash, no hope, and no jobs.Please God, don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

 

 

[SoCalSGT]

Italian Cruise Ship Jokes

 

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

 

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

 

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

 

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

 

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

 

# The captain says he is not guilty of manslaughter. He has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

 

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

 

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

 

Nothing - The bottom's dropped out of both.

[MY500SS]

Italian Cruise Ship Jokes

 

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

 

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

 

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

 

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

 

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

 

# The captain says he is not guilty of manslaughter. He has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

 

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

 

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

 

Nothing - The bottom's dropped out of both.

 

 

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain.

[SoCalSGT]

Old married couple ...

 

 

The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes!

 

 

An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

 

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[MY500SS]

Old married couple ...

 

 

The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes!

 

 

An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

 

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

 

 

 

Married 30 years this July and this is too dang funny.

[SoCalSGT]

The Dreaded Call

 

My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."

[ejrail]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little boy

comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a

farm, his mother asks if he had done his

chores.

 

"Not yet,"

said the little boy.

His mother tells him

no breakfast until he does his

chores.

 

Well,

he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens,and he kicks a chicken.

 

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

 

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

 

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have

any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

 

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

 

"You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SoCalSGT]

 

One Monday morning the UPS guy is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

 

 

 

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments."

 

 

 

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that's when we started playing WHO AM I?"

 

 

 

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

 

 

 

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet, then the women try to guess who it is."

 

 

 

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

 

 

 

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.

 

 

 

"Your name came up seven times."

 

 

[07gt500conv]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

[SoCalSGT]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND

THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

 

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY

FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH

BORE HIS FULL NAME.

 

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED THAT A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE

SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

 

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO

OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED

HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

 

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

 

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED

 

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?

 

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

 

THEN THAT UGLY,

 

OLD,

 

BALD,

 

WRINKLED,

 

FAT ASS,

 

GRAY HAIRED,

 

DECREPIT,

 

SON OF A B***H ASKED....

 

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

[Doug_GT350]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

 

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

 

God only knows what she was talking about!!

[SoCalSGT]

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and

driving.

As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes

with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over

the years.

 

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and

had a few too many beers and some shots.

 

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did

something I've never done before.

 

I took a bus home.

 

Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but as it was a bus they waved

it through.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I

have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[07gt500conv]

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and

driving.

As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes

with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over

the years.

 

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and

had a few too many beers and some shots.

 

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did

something I've never done before.

 

I took a bus home.

 

Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but as it was a bus they waved

it through.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I

have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 

 

[MY500SS]

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and

driving.

As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes

with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over

the years.

 

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and

had a few too many beers and some shots.

 

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did

something I've never done before.

 

I took a bus home.

 

Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but as it was a bus they waved

it through.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I

have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 

 

[kstrong]

Farmer's Daughters

 

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

[07gt500conv]

Farmer's Daughters

 

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

 

 

Good Form Kenny

 

 

[Guest markham51]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six."

 

 

 

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

 

 

 

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

 

 

 

He replied, "They had avocados."

 

 

 

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here

[QuickSilverShelby]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six."

 

 

 

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

 

 

 

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

 

 

 

He replied, "They had avocados."

 

 

 

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here

 

 

OK, I'm 43 year old guy and I gotta say.......... I don't get it. Please someone, explain. :blink:

 

QSS

[rdrawkit]

My wife (NANCY) would like to thank everyone for their input..(jokes) First time in a long time that my wife LAUGHED so much....Thxs again..