Jokes

[Alloy Dave]

As if we don't have enough humor...let's add more.

 

Indian Weather Man

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he became the chief in a modern society, he had never been taught all the old secrets.

 

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

 

Now being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

 

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

 

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

 

"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

 

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Still apprehensive the chief called the National Weather Service one more time. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

 

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

:happy feet: :happy feet: :happy feet:

 

 

Firefighters

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant, and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant, and they must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

 

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

 

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came

into sight. ! It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire

company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine,

operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer, sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norsk firefighters had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

 

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norwegians.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on

film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

 

"Vell," said Ole Lars! en, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."

[JETSOLVER]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

 

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

 

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

 

"They're mating," her father replied.

 

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

 

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

 

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

 

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

 

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

 

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden" she said

[RUFDRAFT]

I've been thinking (!) and I don't hear many jokes.

 

This one comes from my 87 year-old mom.

 

It's Sunday at church.

 

They've passed the plate and the pastor is handed a personal check from the plate that's made out for $1,000.00.

 

He announces the generous offering to the congregation, then asks the person who wrote the check to identify themselves.

 

In the back of the church, a little old lady raises her hand.

 

The pastor then asks the woman to come down to the pulpit.

 

"Come down here, my dear," he says. "The least you we can do for you is let you choose a couple of hymns in response to your generosity."

 

The old woman shakily makes her way down to the pastor - with some help.

 

She turns around to face the congregation, and points with her right finger extended:

 

"I'll take him and him and him."

 

My mom is a hot shit! :happy feet:

[Gerry Chase 1128]

No Offense lawdude but just heard this one and had to pass it on....

 

A lawyer slows down and rolls through a stop sign. The policeman pulls him over and starts writing him a ticket. The lawyer begins to argue that what he did was just as safe as coming to a complete stop. He told the policeman he would pay the ticket if he could convince him otherwise. The policeman grabbed his billy club and started beating the crap out of the lawyer and asked, "Do you want me to stop or slow down."

[JETSOLVER]

Read the comments on the Left side of this UK E-bay auction. Priceless. This fellow is missing his gig.... UK E-Bay auction Among multiple gems "Well stuff me sideways with a large mexican cactus...a mail box crammed with 100's of emails...thanks just what I want to be doing on my Birthday. Yes Happy birthday to me, oh the joys of age...Ok another and possibly the last round up as ebay won't let me add anything I think within 24 hours of the end. The end is nigh.

 

Again no swaps. What is it with people, when I say no swaps please don't take it as a challange. I have been offfered a caravan, 12 cars, 1 lorry, to have my garden landscaped, some rare fish, and I'm sorry but the very kind gent (Donald) who offered me a weekend with his wife (and him it would appear) I have a special message for you. The pictures you sent me of your wife did not, in all honesty help. Some of them looked more like a traffic accident than something that I might remotely find alluring. I am sure that if you set up your own website (assuming that it's not illegal) there will be plenty of sad sacks (many from ebay land going by this experience) who will indulge your (and your wifes) desires. "

[Niswonger]

So, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exvhange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...

 

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated...

 

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hundat dolla fo yen, today I get hundat eighty?? Why it change?"

 

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

 

The Asian guy says, "Well, fluc you white people too!!"

 

No offense inteded, I actually heard it from my Chinese old roomate.

[Alloy Dave]

No Offense lawdude but just heard this one and had to pass it on....

 

A lawyer slows down and rolls through a stop sign. The policeman pulls him over and starts writing him a ticket. The lawyer begins to argue that what he did was just as safe as coming to a complete stop. He told the policeman he would pay the ticket if he could convince him otherwise. The policeman grabbed his billy club and started beating the crap out of the lawyer and asked, "Do you want me to stop or slow down."

 

[Three Cobras]

After 9/11 the Government realized that maybe it could use some help in trying to figure out why the world had turned so ugly in recent years. One bright eyed young Civil Servant convinced his boss that maybe, just maybe, they should seek some guidance from a wise Indian. He decided to sit down and talk to Chief Two Eagles, known far and wide for his sagacity.

A meeting was arranged, and five days hence the men found themselves in the Chief's lodge, passing around a pipe. For about forty minutes, the two Goverment men talked about what was on their mind, and how perplexed they were the world was turning out the way it was. Finally, the young man summed it up by saying "Chief Two Eagles, you are known far and wide by white man and Indian for your wisdom. Please, tell us where you think the white man has gone wrong?"

The Chief continued to puff on his pipe in silence for over five minutes. Just as the Goverment men made to get up and leave, the Chief put down his pipe and spoke.

"When the White Man came to this land, the Indian was running the show. There was no tax. Medicine Man was free. There was plenty of beaver (wink, wink), and plenty of buffalo and deer. The women did all the work. The men fished and hunted all day." The Chief paused to take another puff on the pipe. Then he said "White Man dumb enough to think he could improve on that."

[Gerry Chase 1128]

Rufdraft and a Harvard graduate were the finalists at an extemporaneous speaking contest. The judges asked both to recite a poem using the word "Timbuktu". The Harvard graduate began, "Across the barren desert land, I spied a camel caravan. Under cloudless skies of azure blue - destination Timbuktu." The audience raved at his abilty. Next, Rufdraft announced, "Tim and I a camping went. Spied three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and "Timbuktu"!!! I had to have one for an English prof.

[RUFDRAFT]

gchaser - tread lightly my brother. :bandance:

 

I don't think you want my undivided attention.

 

And - stop using big words! :happy feet:

 

 

Very good.

[oldimp]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

 

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

 

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

 

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

 

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa ... Go home, you're drunk.

 

-------

 

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

 

Trying to keep her entertained , I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

 

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

 

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

 

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

 

-------

 

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

 

"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."

 

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

 

The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.

 

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.

 

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

 

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that!"

 

-------

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

 

"Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"

 

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[RUFDRAFT]

 

The grandpa joke is great, man. +1

[Alloy Dave]

imp, I liked the one about the Post Office. Now, here's another one...

 

A Russian submarine is cruising in the ocean, and the Commander was taking his morning view of the surface activity through the periscope. He sees a single war ship and alerts his crew to the pending danger. His first Lieutenant asks “Sir, what should I do?”. The Commander replied in a deep Russian voice “Get me my red shirt.” The Lieutenant started to ask “Your red…” and the Commander interrupted him with “My red shirt, get it now!”.

 

The Lieutenant brings the red shirt, the battle ensues, and the Russian sub reigns victorious. Later that night, the Lieutenant asked the Commander the reason for the red shirt, to which the Commander replied “I am the leader of this vessel. If I am shot in the battle, I do not want my crew to see the blood.” The Lieutenant was impressed with the Commander’s demeanor, and his respect for him grew tenfold instantly.

 

A few days later, the Commander was again looking through the periscope, and this time sees at least 20 war ships…rapidly approaching. When he tells his crew what he sees, the Lieutenant asks “Do you want me to get your red shirt?”

 

The Commander replied in a nervous voice “No, bring me my brown pants.”

 

 

That's a real knee slapper...and I only had to use a couple "big" words.

[RUFDRAFT]

Dave - put down the Bong - and back away from your computer.

 

 

Wifey just came downstairs and said she couldn't sleep.

 

I asked her to join me on my office loveseat.

 

She's now back upstairs and sleeping nicely. :happy feet:

[68fastback]

Wifey just came downstairs and said she couldn't sleep.

 

I asked her to join me on my office loveseat.

 

She's now back upstairs and sleeping nicely. :happy feet:

 

 

 

Hey, Brian, I don't get it -- that joke's not funny at all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RUFDRAFT]

 

I'm not as good as I once was - but I'm as good as any man - once. :happy feet: :bandance:

[Alloy Dave]

 

I'm not as good as I once was - but I'm as good as any man - once. :happy feet: :bandance:

 

 

A hard man is good to find. :huh:

 

Dave

[68fastback]

:

 

better hope your, ahem, post isn't too short to disqualify you for the free drawing

 

btw, who won the 6/6 drawing? haven't heard a thing.. I'll have to mozy over there and see...

(not that we have a chance against you, Bryan ;-)

[JETSOLVER]

"If you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended

in all the latest psychological texts. It really works. Just take a few

seconds and focus on each step."

 

 

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4 You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of

serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See, you're smiling already.

[68fastback]

:

 

A <ethnic-persuasion-of-your-choice> man goes into Sears and heads right to the tools department.

 

He tells the salesman he has a large wooded lot he needs to clear by the following weekend and asks the salesman for suggestions.

 

The salesman asks him some question about the size of the property, the size of the trees and so forth and then takes him over to the chainsaws and shows him the Charftsman Super-jack 24" model saying "it's not our largest but it will definately get the job done in a few days."

 

The man leaves with the chainsaw and labors feverishly through the first weekend. By mid week he hasn't made nearly the progress he was hoping and as the next weekend approaches, disgusted, he returns to Sears to find the salesman who sold him the saw.

 

He tells the salesman he's been working 10 hours a day for nine days now and only has about a quarter of the lot cut. He's clearly very displeased with the saw and tells the salesman "I want my money back because this piece of didn't do what you said it would."

 

The salesman askes to see the saw and proceeds to start it up to see why it might not be working properly; as the rrriiiipppp of the two-stroke echoes through the store the man, wide-eyed, turns to the salesman exclaiming...

 

| |

| |

| |

VV

 

"WHAT'S THAT NOISE!"

[RUFDRAFT]

I'm working on a rate for some group therapy for us.

 

Stay tuned.

 

This forum is like some twisted version of the Breakfast Club!

 

The Shelby Club!

[68fastback]

The United Nations is hosting the nations of the world for a space exposition.

 

Though only 14 nations have meaningful space programs underway, 127 nations attend to learn about the emerging technologies that might affect the future of all mankind.

 

At the 5-day event it's as you might expect... the wealthy developed countries are planning some amazing things and the others are either doing little or nothing.

 

The United States leads off the program talking about their ambitious 5 year plan to complete a greatly improved experimental space station, a 10 year plan to establish a long term research station on the moon and a 25 year program to send a manned spacecraft to Mars!

 

On day five it's the Italians' turn (hey, I'm Italian ;-) and the Italian ambassador who is presenting the overview rambles on and on and on.... "...and da greata reepooblika ofa Italia isa doin so many incredeebla tings, you gona feel sooo stupido whena you heara owa plans.. da greata reepooblika ofa Italia isa sooo proud ofa dis plan dat a we ara bursting wit de pride... da greata reepooblika ofa Italia isa gona maka you feela soo stupdo...

 

At that point the UN chairman interrupts the Italian ambasador and, trying not to be rude, asks "ok, ok, won't you please tell us already what you plan to do!?"

 

The Italian ambassador looks him straight in the eyes exclaiming "Overa da nexta tena year, da greata reepooblika ofa Italia isa gona senda a mana space-a-craft to da Sun!"

 

The UN chairman realizing the staggering impossibility of such a plan yells out "..but.., you'll be burned alive!"

 

To which the Italian Ambassador, not even blinking, fires back" Aha, stupido, we gona go ata NIGHT!"

 

(hope no one's offended... and, yes, I really am Italian... ...oh, and have you seen the new Ferrari 599GTB -- OH MY GOD, THAT IS EXQUISITE! ;-)

[RUFDRAFT]

Whenna da moon hits you eye - like a big-a pizza pie - dats Amore!

 

You're eye-tallion?

 

I knew you had to be a Goombah!

[old guy]

Whenna da moon hits you eye - like a big-a pizza pie - dats Amore!

 

You're eye-tallion?

 

I knew you had to be a Goombah!

 

 

Did you all celebrate Dino's 89th yesterday? I did! (Martin, not Ferreri)

[RUFDRAFT]

I remember his TV show.

[68fastback]

I'm working on a rate for some group therapy for us.

 

Stay tuned.

 

This forum is like some twisted version of the Breakfast Club!

 

The Shelby Club!

 

 

Ah yes, an we do neeed it!

 

In the meantime, here's another.

 

-----------------------------

<don't flame me now, it's all in good fun ;-)> ok, here we go...

 

 

Gino and Luigi, two Italian biologists, are trying to come up with enlightened new research that might return some lustre to their once bright careers.

 

One day in the lab while sipping espresso, Gino exclaims "Luigi, I gotta it!" Getta a piece a paper, da pencil and da tapa measura, da scalpel, a cana ofa anachovie, ana fiva frog!"

 

When Luigi return he's instructed to measure 100' down the hall, marking a line every 10' and he places the open can of anchovies at the end.

 

Gino puts the first frog at the starting line and screams "Jumpa frog jump!" and, amazinly, the frog jumps 100' right to the anchovies in one enormous leap! Gino tells Luigi "Writa down, froga jump 100 feeta." .. and Luigi dutifully records the feat.

 

Gino puts the second frog down, takes the scalpel and, cutting off its right front leg, exclaims "Jumpa frog jump!" The frog jumps 75' and Luigi dutifully records the event.

 

Gino puts the third frog down on the line, cuts off both its front legs, screams at the frog to jump, and it lands right at the 50' mark.. and Luigi carefully records the result.

 

Gino puts the fourth frog down after cutting off all except its left rear leg and exhaults the amphibian to jump. Amazingly, with one leg it still manages to leap 25' and Luigi is already recording the data.

 

Then Gino takes the last frog, cuts off all its legs and bellows in a powerful baratone "Jumpa frog jump!" Nothing happens except a for a violent twitch. Again he exclaims "Jumpa frog jump!" Same result. Once more he bellows "Jumpa frog jump!" Nothing happens.

 

Then with glee in his voice and the eyes of a five-year-old on Christmas eve Gino exclaims "Luigi, we dida it, we dida it, we gonna bea famousa once againa! Write dis a downa ata da bottoma ofa da page "Dis prova con-clu-sive-a-ly FROGS WITA OUTA NO LEGGS ARA DEAF!"

 

 

ok, no more jokes on my people.. group hug..

:

[RUFDRAFT]

Ma-dona-mia!

 

What's a wrong with you?

 

You gotta a leak or some-a-thing in-a your brain? :happy feet:

[oldimp]

This might be pushing the envelope, so moderate as necessary!

 

Two of my redneck buddies, Beaulah Bob and Stuart, decided to further their education. They went down to the local Junior College and signed up for a semester of night classes. After comparing their class schedules, both were bewildered at just what "Logic I" was.

 

Beaulah Bob says, "Let's go ask our counselor, Professor Brown to explain it to us!"

 

To which Stuart replies, "You go ask him while I go get our books and stuff and you can explain it to me on the way home!"

 

So, Beaulah Bob gets with Professor Brown and asks him what this "Logic" is all about.

 

The Professor says, "Beaulah Bob, let me explain it by giving you an example! Tell me, do you have a weed whacker?"

 

"Oh, yeah, buddy! I got a big ol' Homelite with twin strings!" says Beaulah Bob.

 

"Well, begins the professor, that being said, I can use logic to determine that if you indeed own a weed whacker, you must have a lawn that you use it on."

 

"Oh, yeah! Near a quarter-acre!" said Beaulah Bob.

 

"Good!", continues the professor, "Since you have told me that information, I can use logic to deduce that you have a home on that property."

 

"Dang, you're good! Yes, sir, I have a great little ranch house right in the middle of that quarter-acre!" exclaimed Beaulah Bob.

 

"Excellent! With this new information, and once again using logic, I can determine that you must have a wife that lives with you there." said the professor.

 

"Yes, Scarlet and I have been wed for six years! This is amazing!" gasped Beaulah Bob.

 

"Then, finally, with this last bit of data and utilizing logic, I can assume that you are indeed heterosexual!" said the professor.

 

"Thanks, Professor Brown! That is going to be one great class!" and off Beaulah Bob goes to catch up with Stuart.

 

Once again reunited with his friend, Stuart asks, "What did Professor Brown say about that there "Logic" class?"

 

"Let me explain it like the professor did! Stuart, do you have a weed whacker?" asked Beaulah Bob.

 

"No." replied Stuart.

 

"Then you are a queer!"

[RUFDRAFT]

Laughing out loud!

 

My classes will hear this one!

[68fastback]

Whenna da moon hits you eye - like a big-a pizza pie - dats Amore!

 

You're eye-tallion?

 

I knew you had to be a Goombah!

 

 

Bryan, you couda tell by a my accenta? ;-)

 

Actually I don't even speak Italian beyond a few words (and hand gestures ;-) My parents were born here but all four of my grandparents came here over 100 years ago. Funnny true story: my mom's mother came here as a child with her younger brother in tow by themselves in September 1900. Her mother wanted her to have a better life and she had relatives already here to take her in. When she finally got through Ellis Island, she was free to find her uncle, but didn't speak any English. So when she got off the boat from Ellis, she went directly to what she thought was a church and got on her knees to pray to the statue out front to give thanks. It wasn't a saint; it was a cigar store indian! Fortunately the store owner spoke some Italian and helped direct her to her uncle in the Bronx.

 

The IRT subway didn't exist yet, steam cars were few and only for the very wealthy, horses pulled trollys in the streets of NYC. She walked and jumped rides with her brother for two days, but made it safely to the Bronx. She was 12, her brother was 9. She got married, had 12 kids. Her husband died at 43. She put all of them through school working 2 and 3 jobs a day. She lived into her late 80s with my parents, my bro and me. How she knew how to cook such great food still amazes me. She taught me all the old ways of baking by "eye" without measuring anything (but I do!). She taught herself how to read and write by scavanging a newspaper every day ...and with some help from her kids. She was the sweetest person I've ever known.

 

When I was in my 20s I asked her what she thought were the most amazing things she saw in her life. She thought a moment an said: electricity, the car, and the "moon men" as she called them. Wow!! What times she lived through. She loved my 68 fastback -- it was definately her fav ride in the family (she never drove). She was one amazing lady!

 

------------

 

Damn, I have to stop doing that... sorry if I bored you all... I claim PSDS and I'm stickin' to it ;-) well at least I did use the word "car" once...

 

...and no one can accuse me of cheating on my post-count ;-)