stump_breaker Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough... At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlackVert Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 That's great... I love Dave Barry's work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SicShelby Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 Dave Barry is one helluva funny guy. Thanks for posting - I needed the laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Hawkins Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 I hear you should have that done at 50.....I have two Years to go....................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nascaracing Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Crappppp I've got mine coming up here in a couple weeks..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Hawkins Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Crappppp I've got mine coming up here in a couple weeks..... A piece of advice....... Don't Sneeze................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MY500SS Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 I hear you should have that done at 50.....I have two Years to go....................... With colon cancer in my family, good ol' Doc has been pushing me for this procedure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLOWN Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 O yes the good old colonoscopy :happy feet: The first couple ones I had I did it cold turky NO meds. I am not a med junky inless I am in the hospital if I can help it. The last couple times I went ahead and took the meds and that was SWEEET. I like them and NO I am not a . Heck the Doc even found a watch in there that I have missed placed long ago Anyway if you have had a family history of cancer you neem to have it done. It is a life saver. GO get it done IT is not that bad and the best way is to take the meds you will wake up and it is ALL over Just becareful what you say while you are under lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skeet Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 Had mine done when I was 55. It was on June 6, 2006 which is 666. I think the stuff that they use to knock me out was something like Michael Jackson was taking to make him sleep. It was the best rest that I ever had. I felt soooo refreshed when I woke up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Hawkins Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 O yes the good old colonoscopy :happy feet: The first couple ones I had I did it cold turky NO meds. I am not a med junky inless I am in the hospital if I can help it. The last couple times I went ahead and took the meds and that was SWEEET. I like them and NO I am not a . Heck the Doc even found a watch in there that I have missed placed long ago Anyway if you have had a family history of cancer you neem to have it done. It is a life saver. GO get it done IT is not that bad and the best way is to take the meds you will wake up and it is ALL over Just becareful what you say while you are under lol. TMI ...... TMI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spring Lil Cobra Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 this is a very serious subject but I have to say, I almost craped my pants laughing at your report. Glad all is well. I have 5 years to get ready. Maybe by then, MoviPrep II will be out and they will have fixed the side-effects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLOWN Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 SORRY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twobjshelbys Posted September 12, 2009 Report Share Posted September 12, 2009 this is a very serious subject but I have to say, I almost craped my pants laughing at your report. Glad all is well. I have 5 years to get ready. Maybe by then, MoviPrep II will be out and they will have fixed the side-effects. No it won't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stump_breaker Posted September 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2009 SORRY There is no place for potty humor on TS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slabo Posted September 12, 2009 Report Share Posted September 12, 2009 Holy that is some funny stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regalt87 Posted September 17, 2009 Report Share Posted September 17, 2009 I hear you should have that done at 50.....I have two Years to go....................... My mom had colon cancer at age 32. So if you ask me when to start getting checked it's age 30. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLOWN Posted September 18, 2009 Report Share Posted September 18, 2009 If colon Cancer runs in your family you need to ask your Doc at what age you should start haveing them. Maybe in your 20s. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MY500SS Posted September 18, 2009 Report Share Posted September 18, 2009 If colon Cancer runs in your family you need to ask your Doc at what age you should start haveing them. Maybe in your 20s. I'm scheduled for December. Oh sure, Merry Christmas to you to Doc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sportscars Posted September 18, 2009 Report Share Posted September 18, 2009 That is hilarious! I am crying. Dave is too funny!! I have no history of colon cancer in my family. Last year I was having some mild abdominal discomfort and after a lot of other things were ruled out, my doctor scheduled a colonoscopy. I was 39 at the time and fairly healthy. The result: Stage 3 colon cancer. I was scheduled for surgery before I even woke up from the scope. Three surgerys and six months of chemotherapy later I am cancer free (doctor says "in remission"). :happy feet: The colonoscopy is not bad at all. The prep does suck. Go out and buy a padded toilet seat for $15 as you will be spending several hours on it. Get the meds. You will wake up and never know that you had any procedure at all. The funny thing about all this: My insurance will not pay for my follow up colonoscopys because I am not 50 yet! Get it done. It is better than the alternative! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MY500SS Posted September 18, 2009 Report Share Posted September 18, 2009 That is hilarious! I am crying. Dave is too funny!! I have no history of colon cancer in my family. Last year I was having some mild abdominal discomfort and after a lot of other things were ruled out, my doctor scheduled a colonoscopy. I was 39 at the time and fairly healthy. The result: Stage 3 colon cancer. I was scheduled for surgery before I even woke up from the scope. Three surgerys and six months of chemotherapy later I am cancer free (doctor says "in remission"). :happy feet: The colonoscopy is not bad at all. The prep does suck. Go out and buy a padded toilet seat for $15 as you will be spending several hours on it. Get the meds. You will wake up and never know that you had any procedure at all. The funny thing about all this: My insurance will not pay for my follow up colonoscopys because I am not 50 yet! Get it done. It is better than the alternative! Very cool, keep up the good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StokedShelbyOwner Posted September 18, 2009 Report Share Posted September 18, 2009 Glad to hear you're doing well SportsCars Dave writes some great pieces. I worked at a surgery center years ago where we did Colonoscopies-Lots of them. Just for the record the scope is just over a meter long and about the diameter of a pencil. You know those GIANT kindergarten pencils you had to rest on your shoulder to write with :eek5: Alan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mywickedshelby Posted September 18, 2009 Report Share Posted September 18, 2009 With colon cancer in my family, good ol' Doc has been pushing me for this procedure. same for me....I had my first at 38! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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