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A little humor


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You Know You Have Too Much Horsepower When


1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.

2. You can't drive your car in the rain.

3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

4. You are afraid to drive your car.

5. You spend more on tires than on food.

6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.

8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.

9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.

10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.

12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.

15. You arrive somewhere before you left.

16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.

18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

22. You need parachute braking.

23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.

24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)

26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.

27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!

28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)

29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)

30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.


If Microsoft Built Cars:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened


Car Names Explained:


AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.

BMW-Big Money Works.

* Brutal Money Waster.

* Bimbette Motor Weapon.

* Break My Window.

BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.

CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.

* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.

* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.

*Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology.

DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.

*Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere.

*Dead or Dying Gas Eater.

*Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express.

FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

*Fix It All the Time.

*Fix it again, Tony!

FORD - First On Recall Day.

*Fixed Or Repaired Daily.

*First On Rust and Deterioration.

*Fix Or Repair Daily.

*Found On Road, Dead.

*Fast Only Rolling Downhill.

*Features O.J. and Ron's DNA.

*Found On Russian Dump.

GM- General Maintenance.

* Great Mistake.

* GMC- Garage Man's Companion.

* Got A Mechanic Coming?.

HONDA - Had One Never Did Again.

HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.

OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind *Infuriatingly Late Everywhere.

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment.

PINTO - Put in new transmission often.

PONTIAC - Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac.

SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back.

*Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

*Sorry Arsed Auto Builders.

TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.

VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

*Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners.

VW-Virtually Worthless.

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May I recommend that you change the title of your joke to "Why I quit telling jokes".



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