Alloy Dave Posted July 25, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2006 Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Nascar 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed! You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system! Best of luck, Tech Support Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted July 25, 2006 Report Share Posted July 25, 2006 Once again - you're KILLIN' me over here! Nag 9.5 Stop it - I need to get some sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted July 25, 2006 Report Share Posted July 25, 2006 Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Nascar 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed! You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system! Best of luck, Tech Support Dave, you are such a sick puppy, and I love it!!! Great stuff -- I can see that as a stand-up on Leno PS - Affair 2.0 will generally be sucessful in uninstalling wife 1.0 but all exiting applications will be lost and, in some cases, the computer will spontaneously burst into flames. We recommend that if Affair 2.0 is installed, the system is monitored 24/7 for next 1-2 years. Caution should be taken since sometimes Wife 1.0 will self-install PI 10.4 if the install disk for Affair 2.0 is inserted in the CD drive, even if Affair 2.0 is not actually installed. In such an eventuality, abort the install of Affair 2.0 and install Motel 4.1. After 30 days, proceed with Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 again. If they do not install successfully, extract all money files from bank 3.1 and get the out of town! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STSVT Posted July 26, 2006 Report Share Posted July 26, 2006 This joke is not intended to be directed at any group and or to discriminate one such individual or persons of different gender ,creed, or religious backrounds or to be sexually explicid in anyway (THIS IS JUST FOR FUN) with that said what do you call a lesbian dinosaur ......... TERIDACKTUS LICKALOTAPUSS sorry about the legal mumbo jumbo my lawyer made me wright that so i wouldnt get thrown off our forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted July 26, 2006 Report Share Posted July 26, 2006 Relax - you're one of us now. Never mind all the PC crap! We don't care who does what to whom as long as the doors are closed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted July 26, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2006 Relax - you're one of us now. Never mind all the PC crap! We don't care who does what to whom as long as the doors are closed! Ok, if PC is not required, here's one... What did the leper say to the prostitute? . . . . . . . . . "Keep the tip." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted July 26, 2006 Report Share Posted July 26, 2006 ..and in the "some things just aren's as they seem" category: Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there! Edna promptly jumped in and saved him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said , "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe, right after you saved him. I am so sorry , but he is dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself..............I put him there to dry! How soon can I go home?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted July 26, 2006 Report Share Posted July 26, 2006 What a bunch we have here! Y'all are something. 68 - the 19's came today!! Pics in a day or two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted July 26, 2006 Report Share Posted July 26, 2006 What a bunch we have here! Y'all are something. 68 - the 19's came today!! Pics in a day or two. Well, allright RUF! . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted July 26, 2006 Report Share Posted July 26, 2006 Ha. All I can do now is wax the hell out of 'em until the GT gets here! They're in our dining room. Christine comes home and says, "What's up with these tires?" I say, "they're going on the GT." She says, "What will you do with the rims and tires that come with the car?" "I'll put them on EBay!" She shakes her head and walks away! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 I hope no one gets offended by these cause when I saw them I was ROFL! you can't make this stuff up! Subject: Out of mouth of babes.... Can you imagine yourself as the catholic nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure? PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. "Insanity is reverse-hereditary: you get it from your kids" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KCMO-GT500 Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 I went to Catholic grade school, I think I recognize some of my work in there........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhantomAce Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 I hope no one gets offended by these cause when I saw them I was ROFL! you can't make this stuff up! Subject: Out of mouth of babes.... Can you imagine yourself as the catholic nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure? PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. "Insanity is reverse-hereditary: you get it from your kids" That last line reminds me of one of my Mavorite bumper sticker sightings: "Quick, Hire a teenager while they still know everything" Mike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 I went to Catholic grade school, I think I recognize some of my work in there........... Glad I'm not the only one to suffer deep emotional scars Mr. KC, tell the class what was soooo funny...hold out your hand... whack! It's like it was yesterday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KCMO-GT500 Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 Glad I'm not the only one to suffer deep emotional scars Mr. KC, tell the class what was soooo funny...hold out your hand... whack! It's like it was yesterday ..to tell the truth (yea, I tell the truth once in a while) I was never spanked or hit, or really even yelled at, for the entire 8 years. and trust me, I was not one of the good kids, always was pushing the limits. My 7th grade teacher, Sister Ellan Michael, retired to St. Louis, and is still a very good friend of the family (my sister also lives in St. Louis, and I stay in touch with Sister thru her). We actually got to go "into" the convent itself a couple of times. Big deal since it was considered sacred and way off limits. Was when the Cardinals were in St. Louis and playing daytime world series games. The nuns let us go in and watch on their brand new color tv. Color tv had just come out for the common folk, and it was quite a treat. Man, am I dating myself!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 ..to tell the truth (yea, I tell the truth once in a while) I was never spanked or hit, or really even yelled at, for the entire 8 years. and trust me, I was not one of the good kids, always was pushing the limits. My 7th grade teacher, Sister Ellan Michael, retired to St. Louis, and is still a very good friend of the family (my sister also lives in St. Louis, and I stay in touch with Sister thru her). We actually got to go "into" the convent itself a couple of times. Big deal since it was considered sacred and way off limits. Was when the Cardinals were in St. Louis and playing daytime world series games. The nuns let us go in and watch on their brand new color tv. Color tv had just come out for the common folk, and it was quite a treat. Man, am I dating myself!!!!!!!! That's cool! My uncle was a Dominican catholic priest, so I can appreciate. The nuns were a trip! You had me a little puzzled there for a minute, KC, with "when the Cardinals were in St. Louis and playing daytime world series games" Whew, those flowing crimson garments and Mitre hat -- must have been dazzling! Bet they were good at stick-ball with Shepherd's hook too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted August 5, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2006 I'm sure some of the dealers/salespeople we've spoken with fit into the below categories. They Walk Among Us!! ==================== I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" They Walk Among Us!!! ==================== My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a GT500 convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among Us!!!! ==================== My sister has a lifesaving tool in her GT500 called a knife. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us!!!!! ==================== My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier named RUFDRAFT multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us!!!!!! ==================== I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ==================== I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!! ==================== While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces". :wacko: Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 5, 2006 Report Share Posted August 5, 2006 Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. (Judy, this is a realtively new medical term ;-) Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it manifests: I decide to water my lawn. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: The lawn isn't watered, The car isn't washed, The bills aren't paid, There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, The flowers don't have enough water, There is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, I don't remember what I did with the car keys, And my neighbor called to tell me he turned off the hose that was flooding the driveway. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 5, 2006 Report Share Posted August 5, 2006 That's it. I'm calling a friend of mine at HBO. You need your own special. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 5, 2006 Report Share Posted August 5, 2006 That's it. I'm calling a friend of mine at HBO. You need your own special. Yeah, special 'help' is what I need. Actually I lifted that one from an e-mail I got. I'm far too organized for that to be me -- but sometimes I wonder if I'm not getting closer... like when I look for my glasses and realize that the reason I CAN look for them is they're on my face! A good friend of mine's sister is a VP at HBO -- she lover her job. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted August 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 RUF....about the masturbation thing.... If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have made your arms shorter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 12, 2006 Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 ...sign at a nudist club: "If God wanted us to run around naked we would have been born that way." And seen in the newspaper: "This weeks meeting of the Clairvoyant Society has been rescheduled due to unforseen circumstances." . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted August 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 "This weeks meeting of the Clairvoyant Society has been rescheduled due to unforseen circumstances." I was supposed to go to a procrastinator's meeting today, but I decided to put that off until next week. :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 12, 2006 Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 why did God give women pubic hair? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
614HSO Posted August 12, 2006 Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 why did God give women pubic hair? All my jokes are waaaayyy too graphic for this site! Okay Ruf, I'll bite.......... Why did God give woman pubic hair? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
u219mcf Posted August 12, 2006 Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 What happened to all the jokes? A drunk was sitting at the bar, feeling good, when he told the bartender he needed to take a leak. He gets up and heads to the bathroom. A few minutes later, the bartender hears the guy screaming in pain and rushes to the bathroom to see what was going on. He rushes into the bathroom and sees the drunk pulling his pants up. What the hell happened said the bartender? The drunk says, " I was done taking a dump and reached back to flush the toilet . When I flushed something came up out of the toilet and yanked my balls! I don't know what the @#$% what was but It hurt like a SOB! The bartender looks at the drunk and shakes his head. YOU IDIOT!! That wasn't the toilet, you were crapping in the mop bucket! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 12, 2006 Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 It hides the hook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 12, 2006 Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 It hides the hook. ....like de ja vue all over again -- see post #46 <it's the second thing to go, they say> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 12, 2006 Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 On the differences betw men and women: How to turn on: * < *unless the place is SEMA ;-) > :wacko: . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 13, 2006 Report Share Posted August 13, 2006 Bite me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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