Jokes

[08 snake]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

 

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

 

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

 

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 

"Trust me," said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

 

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[SNAKE08]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

 

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

 

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

 

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

 

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

 

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

 

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

 

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

 

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

 

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

[crypto]

Lawyers and congressmen...

One better than the other...

[kstrong]

Global Facts......

 

 

 

 

 

 

FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.....

 

 

 

 

FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.....

 

 

 

 

FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.....

 

 

 

 

FACT:

1 old timer is reading emails.....

 

 

 

 

 

You hang in there sunshine.......

:happy feet:

Good one.

[08 snake]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

 

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

 

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

 

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

 

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

 

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

 

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

 

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

 

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

 

'I know.' the man said 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

 

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[SNAKE08]

A man gets the words I LOVE YOU tatooed to his penis and rushes home to show his wife, she looks at it and says................... There you go again, trying to put words into my mouth

[SGT/SC2873]

A man gets the words I LOVE YOU tatooed to his penis and rushes home to show his wife, she looks at it and says................... There you go again, trying to put words into my mouth

[kstrong]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

 

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

 

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

 

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

 

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

 

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

 

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

 

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

 

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

 

'I know.' the man said 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

 

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[supersnake94]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

 

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

 

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

 

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

 

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

 

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

 

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

 

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

 

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

 

'I know.' the man said 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

 

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[supersnake94]

A man gets the words I LOVE YOU tatooed to his penis and rushes home to show his wife, she looks at it and says................... There you go again, trying to put words into my mouth

[MY500SS]

A man gets the words I LOVE YOU tatooed to his penis and rushes home to show his wife, she looks at it and says................... There you go again, trying to put words into my mouth

 

 

. Too funny.

[SNAKE08]

10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, "Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

 

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

 

The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, "Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

 

"NO!" said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

 

The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride."

 

At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley, so YOU ride it!"

[SicShelby]

10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, "Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

 

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

 

The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, "Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

 

"NO!" said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

 

The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride."

 

At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley, so YOU ride it!"

 

Haha that's pretty good!!

 

Ray and Bubba are government engineers. These two guys, with their toolboxes, were standing beneath a flagpole, looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're s'posed to find the height of this here flagpole,' Bubba said, "but we don' have no ladder."

 

The blonde took a wrench from their toolbox, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from them, made a measurement, and said "eighteen feet, six inches," and then walked away.

 

Ray shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a blonde! We asked for the height and she gave us the length!!"

 

PS - Ray and Bubba are currently working for the government, working on the stimulus package....

[mywickedshelby]

One day,a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.' Tie me up,'she purred,'and you can do anything you want.'

 

So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

*****************************************

A woman came home,screeching her car into the driveway,and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,'Honey,pack your bags .I won the lottery!'

The husband said,'Oh my God!What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,'she said. 'Just get out.'

 

 

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,and the other is a husband.

 

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,of course,he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

 

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?'the optician asked .'Read it?'the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

************************************ ***********

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,'I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent .''Thank God,'said an elderly nun at the back.

'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

 

 

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

Suddenly,her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,'he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!Turn them!TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh!WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!THE SALT!'

 

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

 

***************************************************************

Fifty-one years ago,Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training,the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber shear-Ed off all his hair. On his second day,the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day,the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

**************** ***************************

[SNAKE08]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ...

 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

 

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

 

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

 

 

 

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments..

 

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled..

 

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

 

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

 

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

 

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

 

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

 

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

 

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

 

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

 

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

 

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

 

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same f******g elephant.

 

 

[08SHELBYSS]

One day,a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.' Tie me up,'she purred,'and you can do anything you want.'

 

So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

*****************************************

A woman came home,screeching her car into the driveway,and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,'Honey,pack your bags .I won the lottery!'

The husband said,'Oh my God!What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,'she said. 'Just get out.'

 

 

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,and the other is a husband.

 

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,of course,he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

 

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?'the optician asked .'Read it?'the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

************************************ ***********

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,'I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent .''Thank God,'said an elderly nun at the back.

'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

 

 

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

Suddenly,her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,'he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!Turn them!TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh!WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!THE SALT!'

 

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

 

***************************************************************

Fifty-one years ago,Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training,the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber shear-Ed off all his hair. On his second day,the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day,the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

**************** ***************************

 

 

 

 

Those are some kick a$$ jokes lol

[MY500SS]

One day,a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.' Tie me up,'she purred,'and you can do anything you want.'

 

So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

*****************************************

A woman came home,screeching her car into the driveway,and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,'Honey,pack your bags .I won the lottery!'

The husband said,'Oh my God!What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,'she said. 'Just get out.'

 

 

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,and the other is a husband.

 

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,of course,he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

 

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?'the optician asked .'Read it?'the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

************************************ ***********

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,'I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent .''Thank God,'said an elderly nun at the back.

'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

 

 

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

Suddenly,her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,'he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!Turn them!TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh!WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!THE SALT!'

 

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

 

***************************************************************

Fifty-one years ago,Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training,the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber shear-Ed off all his hair. On his second day,the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day,the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

**************** ***************************

 

.

 

Oh great, I laughed hard enough to pee myself. Thanks Michael.

[ilmor]

Pelosi.

[68fastback]

Pelosi.

 

 

She's joke that not's funny!

 

Here's a few more:

 

The Obama Democrats: By The Numbers

 

> $34,000: the amount of federal taxes that Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner (D)failed to pay during his employment at the International Monetary Funddespite receiving extra compensation and explanatory brochures that described his tax liabilities.

 

 

 

> $75,000: the amount of money that the head of the powerful tax-writing committee, Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY), was forced to report on his taxes after the discovery that hehad not reported income from a Costa Rican rental property. His excuses for the failure started with blaming his wife, then his accountant and finally the fact that he didn't speak Spanish.

 

> $93,000: the amount of petty casheach Congressional representative voted to give themselvesin January 2009 during the height of an economic meltdown.

 

> $133,900: the amountFannie Mae "invested" in Chris Dodd(D-CT), head of the powerful Senate Banking Committee, presumably to repel oversight of the GSE prior to its meltdown. Said meltdown helped touch off the current economic crisis. In only a few years time, Fannie also "invested" over $105,000 in then-Senator Barack Obama.

 

> $140,000: the amount of back taxes and interest thatCabinet nominee Tom Daschle (D) was forced to cough up after the vetting process revealed significant, unexplained tax liabilities.

 

> $356,000: the approximate amount of income and deductions that Daschle (D)was forced to report on his amended 2005 and 2007 tax returns after being caught cheating on his taxes. This includes $255,256 for the use of a car service, $83,333 in unreported income, and $14,963 in charitable contributions.

 

> $800,000: the amount of "sweetheart" mortgages Senate Banking Chairman Chris Dodd (D-CT) received fromCountrywide Financial, the details for which he has refused to releasedespite months of promises to do so. Countrywide was once the nation's largest mortgage lender and linked to Govern ment-Sponsored Entities likeFannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Their meltdown precipitated the current financial crisis. Just days ago in Pennsylvania , Countrywide was forced to pay $150,000,000 in mortgage assistance following "a state investigation that concluded that Countrywide relaxed its underwriting standards to sell risky loans to consumers who did not understand them and could not afford them."

 

> $1,000,000: the estimated amount ofdonations by Denise Rich, wife of fugitive Marc Rich, to Democrat interests and the William J. Clinton Foundationin an apparentquid pro quodeal that resulted in a pardon for Mr. Rich. The pardon was reviewed and blessed by Obama Attorney General and then Deputy AG Eric Holder, despite numerous requests by government officials to turn it down..

 

> $12,000,000: the amount of TARP money providedto community bank “OneUnited”despite the fact that it did not qualify for funds, and was "under attack from its regulators for allegations of poor lending practices and executive-pay abuses." It turns out that Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA), akey contributor to the Fannie Mae meltdown, just happens to be married to one of the bank's ex-directors.

 

> $23,500,000: The upper range of net worth Rep. Allan Mollohan (D-WV) accumulated in four years timeaccording toThe Washington Postthrough earmarks of "tens of millions of dollars to groups associated with his own business partners."

 

> $2,000,000,000: ($2 billion) the approximate amount of money that House Appropriations Chairman David Obey (D-WI) isearmarking related to his son's lobbying efforts. Craig Obey is "a top lobbyist for the nonprofit group" that would receive a roughly $2 billion component of the "Stimulus" package.

 

> $3,700,000,000: ($3.7 billion) not to be outdone, this is the estimated value ofvarious defense contracts awarded to a company controlled by the husband of Rep. Diane Feinstein (D-CA). Despite an obvious conflict-of-interest as "a member of the Military Construction Appropriations subcommittee, Sen. Feinstein voted for appropriations worth billions to her husband's firms."

 

> $4,190,000,000: ($4.19 billion) the amount of money in the so-called "Stimulus" package devoted tofraudulent voter registration ACORN groupunder the auspices of "Community Stabilization Activities". ACORN is currently the subject of aRICO suit in Ohio.

 

> $1,646,000,000,000($1.646 trillion): theapproximate amount of annual United States exportsendangered by the "Stimulus" package, which provides a "Buy American" stricture. According to international trade experts, a "US-EU trade war looms", which could result in a worldwide economic depression reminiscent of that touched off by the protectionistSmoot-Hawley Act.

 

> It's not just a culture of corruption. It's a culture of corruptionandstupidity. And, unlike Republicans, Democrats appear to be above the law. All of the aforementioned clowns are still in office, ruling like the royalty they've become.

> ********

> AND, IT’S ONLY BEEN SIX WEEKS, FOLKS

[68fastback]

Here's another joke:

 

Pelosi's policy on Illegal Aliens

 

....in contrast to out nations's prior leaders:

 

HOOVER , TRUMAN AND EISENHOWER

 

Here is something that should be of great interest

for you to pass around.

I didn't know of this until it was pointed out to me.

 

Back during The Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover

ordered the deportation of ALL illegal aliens

in order to make jobs available to American citizens

that desperately needed work.

 

 

Harry Truman

deported over two million Illegal's after WWII

to create jobs for returning veterans.

 

And then again in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower

deported 13 million Mexican nationals!

The program was called 'Operation Wetback'

so that American WWII and Korean veterans

had a better chance at jobs.

It took 2 Years, but they deported them!

 

Now, if they could deport the illegal's back then,

they can sure do it today!!

lf you have doubts about the veracity of this information,

enter Operation Wetback into your favorite search engine

and confirm it for yourself.

 

Reminder.

Don't forget to pay your taxes...

12 million Illegal Aliens are depending on you.

No 'bleeding hearts here..............we ARE TALKING ABOUT ILLEGAL'S!!

[68fastback]

One day,a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.' Tie me up,'she purred,'and you can do anything you want.'

 

So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

*****************************************

A woman came home,screeching her car into the driveway,and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,'Honey,pack your bags .I won the lottery!'

The husband said,'Oh my God!What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,'she said. 'Just get out.'

 

 

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,and the other is a husband.

 

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,of course,he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

 

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?'the optician asked .'Read it?'the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

************************************ ***********

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,'I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent .''Thank God,'said an elderly nun at the back.

'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

 

 

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

Suddenly,her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,'he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!Turn them!TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh!WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!THE SALT!'

 

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

 

***************************************************************

Fifty-one years ago,Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training,the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber shear-Ed off all his hair. On his second day,the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day,the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

**************** ***************************

 

:bandance: Good ones, Mike!!!!

[SNAKE08]

 

 

Doctors vs Gunowners

 

 

 

Doctors

 

 

 

 

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

 

 

 

 

700,000.

 

 

 

 

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians

 

 

 

per year are

120,000.

 

 

 

© Accidental deaths per physician

is

0.171.

 

 

 

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

 

 

 

Health

and

Human Services.

 

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

 

 

Now think about this:

 

 

 

 

Guns

 

 

 

 

(A) The number of gun owners in the U ..S.

 

 

 

i

s

80,000,000.

 

 

 

(Yes, that's 80 million)

 

 

 

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

 

 

 

per year, all age groups,

is

 

 

 

1,500.

 

 

 

 

© The number of accidental deaths

 

 

 

per gun owner

is

 

 

 

.000188.

 

 

 

 

Statistics courtesy of FBI

 

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

 

 

So,

statistically, doctors are approximately

 

 

 

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

 

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

 

 

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors

do.'

 

 

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

 

 

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

 

 

 

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

 

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

 

 

Please

alert your friends

 

 

 

to

this

 

 

 

alarming threat.

 

 

 

 

We must ban doctors

 

 

 

 

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

 

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

 

 

Out of concern for the public at large,

 

 

 

I withheld the statistics on

 

 

 

 

lawyers

 

 

 

 

for fear the shock would cause

 

 

 

 

people to panic and seek medical attention!

 

[MikeCMM]

A young groom was so in love with his new bride that he went out and had her name, "Wendy", tatooed on his male member. When he was aroused you could see her name but when he wasn't it just had "WY". He showed her and she was impressed by his devotion. The couple went to Jamaica for their honeymoon and found themselves at a nude beach. The groom headed to the outdoor bar to get drinks for the both of them. A very large Jamaican man was tending bar and also was nude. The groom ordered the drinks and he looks down at the bartender and sees "WY" tatooed on his male member as well. The groom says to the bartender, "Excuse me sir but I couldn't help notice you have WY tattoed on your member. Is your girlfriend's name Wendy"? The bartender looks at him, smiles and says, "NO. Mine say...Welcome to Jamaica mahn. Have a nice day."

[08 snake]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

 

As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

 

COLD BEER: $2.00

 

HAMBURGER: $2.25

 

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

 

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

 

HAND JOB: $50.00

 

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

 

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

 

'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'

 

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

 

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes I sure am".

 

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[08 snake]

Maria the maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.

 

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

 

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

 

The first is that I iron better than you.'

 

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

 

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

 

Wife: 'Oh.'

 

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

 

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

 

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

 

Wife: 'Oh really'

 

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a bett ER lover than you.'

 

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

 

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

 

Maria got the raise

[turnsignaldelete]

Comrade Obama thinks nothing is impossible as long as somebody else has to pay for it?

 

:tease:

[SNAKE08]

Only a Mexican wife...

 

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed. He had

only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly

loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his

wife Chita 's tamales.

 

 

With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body,

the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the

floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top.

 

 

 

As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife,

Chita , smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon:

Leave them alone, pendejo!" "...They're for the funeral!"

[Boss Doctor]

Only a Mexican wife...

 

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed. He had

only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly

loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his

wife Chita 's tamales.

 

 

With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body,

the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the

floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top.

 

 

 

As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife,

Chita , smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon:

Leave them alone, pendejo!" "...They're for the funeral!"

[MY500SS]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

 

As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

 

COLD BEER: $2.00

 

HAMBURGER: $2.25

 

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

 

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

 

HAND JOB: $50.00

 

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

 

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

 

'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'

 

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

 

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes I sure am".

 

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

 

[NordicShelby]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened

 

 

Then he decided to write God a

letter requesting the $100.00.

 

 

 

 

When the postal authorities received

the letter to God , USA , they decided

to send it to the President.

 

 

 

 

 

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the

little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

 

 

 

 

 

The president thought this would

appear to be a lot of money

to a little boy.

 

 

 

 

 

The little boy was delighted with the

$5.00 bill and sat down to write a

thank-you note to God, which read:

 

 

 

 

 

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending

the money. However, I noticed

that for some reason you sent it

through Washington D.C. and those

a$$holes took $95.00 in taxes.