Jokes

[SSSNAKE]

Good Husband--

After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over

her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He said, 'I found the remote'.

[SNAKE08]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach

 

good manners asked her students the following question:

 

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner

with a

nice young lady, how would you tell her that you

have to go

to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee.

The teacher

responded by saying, "That would be rude

and

impolite.

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to

go to

the bathroom. I'll be right back.

"That's better, but

it's still not very nice

to say the word bathroom at the

dinner table.

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for

once and show us your good manners?"

"I would

say: 'Darling, may I please be excused

for a moment? I

have to shake hands with a very dear friend

of mine, whom

I hope to introduce you to after

dinner.

The teacher fainted...

[SNAKE08]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they'd do with the money.

 

The first did a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon, got her hair done and new makeup; bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.

The man was impressed.

 

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.

Again, the man was impressed.

 

The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000.. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

 

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

 

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections - and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them..

[MY500SS]

Good Husband--

After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over

her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He said, 'I found the remote'.

 

Sorry to say that's a weekly event in our bedroom . Only difference is we've been married 27 years

[Hopsgt500]

What is the definition of Artificial Intelligence?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A blonde wearing a brunette wig

[tekheavy]

A very ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks.

Well, on my way home last night, I notice a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house.

We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?" "Dunno...Never found the head!"

[SNAKE08]

 

 

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs

 

to file her taxes.

 

 

 

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few

 

questions."

 

 

 

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,

 

'What's your occupation?'

 

 

 

'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.

 

 

 

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ' Let's try to rephrase

 

that.'

 

 

 

The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.

 

 

 

'No, that still won't work. Try again.'

 

 

 

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, 'I'm an elite chicken

 

farmer.'

 

 

 

The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a

 

call girl?'

 

 

 

'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'

 

 

 

'Chicken farmer it is.'

 

[mywickedshelby]

Sorry to say that's a weekly event in our bedroom . Only difference is we've been married 27 years

 

I guess we really need to keep our ladies away from the site now?

huh Dan?

[MY500SS]

I guess we really need to keep our ladies away from the site now?

huh Dan?

 

You said it my friend.

[mywickedshelby]

You said it my friend.

 

[crypto]

Sice you guys mention so often Man/Women issues, here go some thoughts.

 

A woman worries about future till she gets married.

A man doesn't worry about future till he gets a wife.

 

A successful man is the one who can make more money than his wife can spend.

A successful women is the one who can find that man.

 

A woman marries a man hoping one day he changes, but he won't.

A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change, but she will.

 

A woman has always the last word in an argument.

Anything a man says after that will be the start of a new fight.

:happy feet: :happy feet: :happy feet:

[Hopsgt500]

Sice you guys mention so often Man/Women issues, here go some thoughts.

 

A woman worries about future till she gets married.

A man doesn't worry about future till he gets a wife.

 

A successful man is the one who can make more money than his wife can spend.

A successful women is the one who can find that man.

 

A woman marries a man hoping one day he changes, but he won't.

A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change, but she will.

 

A woman has always the last word in an argument.

Anything a man says after that will be the start of a new fight.

:happy feet: :happy feet: :happy feet:

 

 

Good one, thanks

[Guest hfrosso]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college,signed up for classes,attended diligently,and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached,the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 

When the results came back,he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error,he called the instructor,saying,"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,

but I wonder if there is an error in grade."

the instructor said,"During the exam,you took the engine apart perfectly,wich was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly,wich is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause,the instructor added,"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler,

which I've never seen done in my entire life!

[crypto]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college,signed up for classes,attended diligently,and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached,the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 

When the results came back,he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error,he called the instructor,saying,"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,

but I wonder if there is an error in grade."

the instructor said,"During the exam,you took the engine apart perfectly,wich was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly,wich is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause,the instructor added,"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler,

which I've never seen done in my entire life!

 

[Guest hfrosso]

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play.

His father was really proud of him and asked,"So ,what part did you get ?"

 

The little boy replies,"I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."

 

His father congratulated him an said "That's good son.Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

[Guest hfrosso]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,sits down,but sais nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles,

"ain't no use knockin,there's no paper on this side either!"

[SNAKE08]

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Obama loses his.

[mywickedshelby]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,sits down,but sais nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles,

"ain't no use knockin,there's no paper on this side either!"

 

 

he is on a roll!

[SNAKE08]

Marriage changes passion.

Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

 

 

 

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

 

 

 

 

 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

 

 

 

 

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

 

 

 

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

 

 

Wouldn't you know it....

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever

 

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

 

 

 

Bumper sticker of the year:

'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

 

 

 

 

 

[XLR8]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Montana for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile

when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a "Save the Trees" t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing

around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

 

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.

The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

 

Then using long knives the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured

Democrat in the back seat.

 

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions !" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental

activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

 

 

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that guy ?

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

 

Well, the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[Matts]

A man and his wife are having sex when their 10 year old son walks in on them...

The boy screams, "on my god!" then runs out of the room.

The man laughs and says, give him a few minutes to calm down, the I'll go in and explain what was going on.

 

A few minutes later, he walks into the boys room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "oh my god!"

 

"Yeah!" the boy says, "It's not funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"

[Hopsgt500]

 

[ilmor]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

 

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

 

 

 

 

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

 

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

 

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 

'A female horth.'

 

So he shows him a prized filly.

 

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

 

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

 

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

 

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

 

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

 

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

 

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

 

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

 

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

 

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[crypto]

 

[Guest markham51]

This one is for the ladies!

 

 

 

Job at the FBI

 

 

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

 

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

 

For the= 20final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

 

'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

 

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

 

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'

 

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

 

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.

 

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what i t takes. Take your wife and go home.'

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the=2 0

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

 

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'

 

MORAL:

 

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[tglockner]

In honor of the mother of the octuplets...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman...

 

 

 

You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill...

[DDT]

In honor of the mother of the octuplets...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman...

 

 

 

You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill...

 

 

Do you get any "LIP" from the server??????????????

[ati]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating

peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch

them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife

asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a

peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out

but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his

wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became

worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter

came home with her date. After being informed of the

problem, their daughter's date said he could get the

peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down,

then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's

nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the

peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter

jumped and yelled for joy. The young

man insisted that it was nothing.

 

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and

said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?

What do you think he's going to be when he grows

older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of

his fingers,

our son-in-law..'

[08 snake]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

 

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great. Some asshole's got my pen."

[SexyStang]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating

peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch

them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife

asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a

peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out

but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his

wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became

worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter

came home with her date. After being informed of the

problem, their daughter's date said he could get the

peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down,

then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's

nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the

peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter

jumped and yelled for joy. The young

man insisted that it was nothing.

 

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and

said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?

What do you think he's going to be when he grows

older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of

his fingers,

our son-in-law..'