Jokes

[SexyStang]

Why was the Blonde staring at the orange juice bottle???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because it said "Concentrate".......

[tekheavy]

Why was the Blonde staring at the orange juice bottle???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because it said "Concentrate".......

 

 

[supersnake94]

Why was the Blonde staring at the orange juice bottle???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because it said "Concentrate".......

Cute.

[tekheavy]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple

bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped

tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, '

 

What happened to you?'

 

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my

wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a

cow pasture.'

 

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I

noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

 

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a

golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck

right in the middle of the cow's butt.'

 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this

looks like yours."

 

'I don't remember much after that...'

[MY500SS]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple

bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped

tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, '

 

What happened to you?'

 

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my

wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a

cow pasture.'

 

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I

noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

 

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a

golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck

right in the middle of the cow's butt.'

 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this

looks like yours."

 

'I don't remember much after that...'

 

 

[Shlbylvr]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple

bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped

tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, '

 

What happened to you?'

 

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my

wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a

cow pasture.'

 

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I

noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

 

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a

golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck

right in the middle of the cow's butt.'

 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this

looks like yours."

 

'I don't remember much after that...'

 

 

LOL

[jaydub Mach1]

A blonde driver was pulled over by a blonde female traffic cop.

 

The cop approached the car and asked the driver for her license. The driver said "Ah.h. I don't know if I have it. What does it look like?".

 

The blond traffic cop says " Well, it's about the size of a credit card and has your picture on it."

 

"Oh." said the driver, as she was looking at her small compact mirror, "Then I think I found it".

 

"Okay." said the cop. "Let me see it". The driver handed the small mirror over to the cop. The cop then looked at the mirror.

 

She said. "I didn't realize you were a police officer. You can go. Have a nice day!!"

[Guest markham51]

First Prize

 

 

Earl won first prize at a Father's Day golf tournament which was an envelope.

 

When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel. He had never been to one before but he decided to go the next day even though he was very nervous.

 

The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room.

 

Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked,

 

"Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

[Bob Knudsen]

You know what the most amazing statistic is about the Obama coronation (I mean inauguration)?

 

1,500,000 people attended. Only 14 actually had to take the day off of work to attend.

[ngnear]

What a Joke:

 

Did you notice that it took less than a week to move 1.5 million people into and out of Washington DC for the Presidential hoopla.

 

But you could not get 200,000 out of New Olean's for the Hurrican with two weeks notice.

 

[BlackBeauty]

Smart-Ass Answers of The Year

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

 

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the ;frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

 

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid r eplied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

 

 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

 

 

Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

 

 

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

He never heard the shot....

[tekheavy]

You know what the most amazing statistic is about the Obama coronation (I mean inauguration)?

 

1,500,000 people attended. Only 14 actually had to take the day off of work to attend.

 

 

[STLShelby]

An 80 year old man was sitting on the bank fishing. A voice said pick me up and kiss me, and i will turn into a beautiful young nymph. The old man looked down at a frog sitting there and said, did you just say that? The frog said yes, pick me up and kiss me and i will turn into a beautiful young nymph. So the old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket. The frog then says again, i said kiss me and i will turn into a beautiful young nymph. The old man looked at the frog and said, at my age i would rather have a talking frog.

[Hopsgt500]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple

bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped

tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, '

 

What happened to you?'

 

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my

wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a

cow pasture.'

 

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I

noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

 

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a

golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck

right in the middle of the cow's butt.'

 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this

looks like yours."

 

'I don't remember much after that...'

 

 

[SNAKE08]

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and

its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our

Physicians and therapists etc and in this case a new Urologist for me.

 

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical

school, female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely

drop-dead

gorgeous, as well as unbelievably sexy.

 

The first thing she told me was that I must stop masturbating. I

asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...."

[SexyStang]

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and

its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our

Physicians and therapists etc and in this case a new Urologist for me.

 

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical

school, female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely

drop-dead

gorgeous, as well as unbelievably sexy.

 

The first thing she told me was that I must stop masturbating. I

asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...."

 

 

[SNAKE08]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives!

 

This doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

 

 

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fikin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

[supersnake94]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple

bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped

tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, '

 

What happened to you?'

 

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my

wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a

cow pasture.'

 

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I

noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

 

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a

golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck

right in the middle of the cow's butt.'

 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this

looks like yours."

 

'I don't remember much after that...'

[ngnear]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

 

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

Don't Mess with Old People!!

[Blackhawkpilot]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'

 

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

 

And furthermore ,

 

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

 

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

 

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

 

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

 

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

 

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

 

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

 

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

 

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

 

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

 

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

 

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

[ngnear]

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

 

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking beer .

 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, 'I think I'm

going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

 

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says ,

 

'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

[RStangsOC]

The Itch

 

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

 

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

 

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story....

 

 

Pay your bills.

[ejrail]

I got kicked out of Home Depot and was told never to come back. Seems every time I walk down the tool aisle, all of the stud finders keep going off, running out the batteries. Some things can't be helped

[tekheavy]

I got kicked out of Home Depot and was told never to come back. Seems every time I walk down the tool aisle, all of the stud finders keep going off, running out the batteries. Some things can't be helped

 

 

[Guest markham51]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

 

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

 

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

 

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

[Hopsgt500]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

 

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

 

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

 

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

 

 

so funny thanks

[Shlbylvr]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

 

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

 

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

 

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

 

 

[Michael Morris]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

 

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

 

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

 

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

:happy feet:

 

MM

[David Hawkins]

You know your Electronics are paying you back when you see these signs pop up:

 

Chaos Reigns within

Reflect, Repent then Reboot

Order shall return

 

You know your Computer is still pissed off at you when you see:

 

Windows Crashed

I am the Blue Screen of Death

No One can hear you Screem

 

You know you are really in trouble when you see:

 

Three things are certain

Death, Taxes and LOST DATA

Guess which one has occurred

 

You know you upset that new Big Flat Screen when you turn it on and see:

 

First Snow Then Silence

This $1,000.00 Screen DIES so Beautifully

[Guest markham51]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes

one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the

window.

 

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins

to stroke her thigh.

 

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

 

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical

abnormalities."

 

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

 

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

 

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast

cancer."

 

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual

intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm

doing now?"

 

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."