Jokes

[XLR8]

 

 

FAMILY MEMBERS ARE ALREADY HEADED TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A VISIT.

[kstrong]

Grandpa And The IRS

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

________

I laugh every time I read this one. :happy feet:

I'll come back in a few weeks and read it and laugh all over again. :happy feet:

[Redbaron08]

 

 

FAMILY MEMBERS ARE ALREADY HEADED TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A VISIT.

 

HA! I have seen this in person brings back some intresting memories.

[SexyStang]

$280,000 Mortgage

 

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His fathersaid, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

 

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

 

 

 

[kstrong]

$280,000 Mortgage

 

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His fathersaid, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

 

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

 

 

 

Your're naughty! :happy feet:

[SGT/SC2873]

$280,000 Mortgage

 

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His fathersaid, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

 

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

 

 

 

[supersnake94]

Do you know why the man was fired from the orange company, HE COULDN'T CONCENTRATE!!!!!!!

[Hopsgt500]

$280,000 Mortgage

 

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His fathersaid, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

 

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

 

 

 

 

 

That is so hilarious, I laughed so hard. Thanks SS

[svtkeith]

$280,000 Mortgage

 

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His fathersaid, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

 

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

 

 

 

 

 

Good one SS

[svtkeith]

Subject: involuntary muscle contraction

 

>>

>>A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on

>>'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

>>Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to

> >lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and

>>said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an

>>orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

[kevhead20]

Subject: involuntary muscle contraction

 

>>

>>A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on

>>'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

>>Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to

> >lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and

>>said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an

>>orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

 

 

I knew you had it in you canucklehead, you finally made a contribution :happy feet: good one

[svtkeith]

 

I knew you had it in you canucklehead, you finally made a contribution :happy feet: good one

 

 

Canucklehead

 

 

 

I like it.

[tekheavy]

 

I knew you had it in you canucklehead, you finally made a contribution :happy feet: good one

 

 

Yeah, one that didn't involve pictures of fat chicks!!

[svtkeith]

Yeah, one that didn't involve pictures of fat chicks!!

 

 

Big BONED I told ya.....Not fat.

[NordicShelby]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

 

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

[Boss Doctor]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

 

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

 

You know, I can see this happening. Funny!

[supersnake94]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

 

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

 

I got a dirty one. Maybe too dirty but here it goes:

 

A teacher is sitting at his desk grading papers.

He sees one of his students come into the classroom.

He also sees that the boy is naked.

He said the boy: " why are you naked?"

The boy says: "I went on top of Cherry Hill."

At that same time another boy comes into the classroom and he too, was naked.

The teacher asked the boy: "why are you naked?"

The boy replies: "I wen't on top of Cherry Hill."

At that time, a girl comes into the door and she's naked.

So the teacher said: " let me guess, you went on top of Cherry Hill too."

The girl replies: "nope, I'm Cherry Hill." :happy feet:

[Redbaron08]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

 

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

 

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

 

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

 

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

 

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[supersnake94]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

 

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

 

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

 

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

 

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

 

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[ilmor]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

 

 

 

 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

 

 

 

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

 

 

 

 

 

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

[tekheavy]

[supersnake94]

:

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

 

 

 

 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

 

 

 

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

 

 

 

 

 

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

[Guest markham51]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

 

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

 

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

 

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

 

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

 

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

 

 

Awesome!

[SexyStang]

HE SAID TO ME..............

 

 

 

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

 

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him . . They don't have time

 

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

 

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

 

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

He said. . . A widow.

 

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him . . ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.......

 

 

 

 

 

[supersnake94]

HE SAID TO ME..............

 

 

 

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

 

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him . . They don't have time

 

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

 

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

 

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

He said. . . A widow.

 

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him . . ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.......

 

 

 

 

 

[AstroDan]

Since my wife is blond, I'm an expert!

 

 

 

 

BLONDE JOKE by a BLIND COWBOY

 

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake.

 

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress;

 

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters;

 

'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[SexyStang]

 

 

I'm guessing you haven't said any of those things yet, in due time.....

[MY500SS]

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

That's low.

 

 

 

[supersnake94]

I'm guessing you haven't said any of those things yet, in due time.....

 

Due time?

[supersnake94]

Big BONED I told ya.....Not fat.

In the words of Cartman: I'M NOT FAT, I'M BIG BONED!!!