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Matts Team Shelby Member

Matts

Posted
Posted

This is what I received on my mobile yesterday.

 

 

 

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen,

 

 

As of November 5,2008 all persons of Caucasian inheritance please report to the cornfields for orientation.

 

Thank you and have a great day."

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SexyStang Team Shelby Enthusiast

SexyStang

Posted
Posted

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU :kuko:

 

 

 

 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital....:call:

 

 

 

Please select from the following options menu:

 

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press

2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5

and 6.

 

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you

want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and

your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

 

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully

and a little voice will tell You which number to

press.

 

 

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.

It doesn't matter which number you

press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

 

 

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep

or before the beep or after the beep.

But Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.

Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

 

 

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,

hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.

You won't be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.

You'll just mess it up.

 

This coming week is National Mental Health Care

week.

 

You can do your part by remembering to contact at

least one unstable person to show you care.

 

 

 

 

The real funny thing about this joke is My Boss emailed it to me. :hysterical2::hysterical2::hysterical2:

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gr8snkbite Team Shelby Member

gr8snkbite

Posted
Posted
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND..... :poke:

 

 

 

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

 

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The

nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

 

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.' :doh:

 

 

 

 

:hysterical2:

 

To damn funny.... :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

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GT500KR Team Shelby Member

GT500KR

Posted
Posted

CATHOLIC PARROTS

 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

 

'Father, I have a problem.

 

I have two female parrots,

 

but they only know how to say one thing.'

 

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

 

They say,

 

'Hi, we're hookers!

 

Do you want to have some fun?'

 

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said,

 

'I may have a solution to your problem.

 

I have two male talking parrots,

 

which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

 

 

 

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

 

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

 

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

 

and your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

 

that phrase . . in no time.'

 

 

 

Thank you,' the woman responded,

 

'this may very well be the solution.'

 

The next day,

 

she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

 

As he ushered her in,

 

she saw that his two male parrots

 

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

 

Impressed,

 

she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

 

After a few minutes,

 

the female parrots cried out in unison:

 

Hi, we're hookers!

 

Do you want to have some fun?'

 

There was stunned silence.

 

Shocked,

 

one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

 

and exclaimed,

 

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

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tekheavy Team Shelby Fanatic

tekheavy

Posted
Posted

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

 

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a

Lie-Clock.

 

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

 

Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

 

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she

never told a lie.'

 

Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

 

 

Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.

 

Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.

 

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

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SexyStang Team Shelby Enthusiast

SexyStang

Posted
Posted
A young couple was out in the woods late one night fooling around. Finally he says, i wish i had a flashlight. She said, so do i you have been eating grass for the last 10 minutes.

 

 

That's just so wrong.......... :nonono:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But pretty funny....... :hysterical:

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GTH391 Team Shelby Member

GTH391

Posted
Posted

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

 

Finally , the guys' side of the story

( I must admit, it's pretty good)

 

 

 

 

We always hear

 

'the rules'

From the female side

 

Now here are the rules from the male side

 

 

 

 

These are our rules!

 

Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

 

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

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supersnake94 Team Shelby Member

supersnake94

Posted
Posted
Ok a man walks into a bar

with a frog on his head.

the bar tender asks that man...What that on your head sir?

The frog answers

Well..........the whole thing started as a wart on my ass.

:hysterical: I got another one it might not be funny but here it goes: What do you owe your mother that you don't owe your father?

 

NINE MONTHS RENT!!!!!! :hysterical:

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WP64 Team Shelby Member

WP64

Posted
Posted

Grandpa And The IRS

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

________

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SGT/SC2873 Team Shelby Member

SGT/SC2873

Posted
Posted

Hope Jeff sees this one......

 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun

in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:

 

'Want coffee.'

 

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

 

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,

turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,

causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere

and then just walks out.

 

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling

another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to

the waiter

 

'Want coffee.'

 

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!

 

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

 

What was all that about, anyway?'

 

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

 

'Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,

leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day.

 

Craig

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