Jokes

[kstrong]

The Polite way to Pee

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

 

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

 

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table .

 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said, 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

 

The teacher fainted...

Thanks!

[kstrong]

 

Time to bump up the jokes wit a few puns

 

 

Pun Intended...

 

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whisky maker,

but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because

it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder

and got a little behind in his work.

 

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

 

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road

and was cited for littering.

 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

Linoleum Blownapart.

 

9. Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

 

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

 

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

 

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,

a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

 

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,

he just didn't have the balls to do it.

 

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was

a small medium at large.

 

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now

a seasoned veteran.

 

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 

23. When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.

 

24. Don't join dangerous cults:

Practice safe sects!

:lol2: :ph34r:

EXCELLENT!!!

[SexyStang]

Follow that Plow...........

 

 

 

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Antartian got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

 

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

 

After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

 

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

 

[kstrong]

Follow that Plow...........

 

 

 

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Antartian got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

 

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

 

After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

 

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

 

The is is timely.

[WP64]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache'. 'Perfect,' her husband said, 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[68fastback]

Wall street's a mess and it's forcing some unusual mergers and acquisitions...

 

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

 

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

 

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

 

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally...

 

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:

TittyTittyBangBang

 

--------------------

[68fastback]

Monastery Life

 

 

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

 

 

 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies!

 

 

 

 

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a

 

good point, my son.'

 

 

 

 

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are

 

held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

 

 

 

 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing:

 

'We missed the R ! We missed the R !

 

We missed the R !'

 

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

 

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,

 

'The word was...

 

 

 

 

 

CELEB R ATE !!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BlackBeauty]

quote name='WP64' date='Oct 9 2008, 12:40 PM' post='544272']

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache'. 'Perfect,' her husband said, 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

:shades: [

[RUFDRAFT]

You guys are funny! :happy feet:

[XLR8]

> THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A

> SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER

> FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

> 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

> A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM

> TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.

> I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.

> THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE

> HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND

> WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING

> FROM HER REAR END.

>

> THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN

> FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!!

[WP64]

quote name='WP64' date='Oct 9 2008, 12:40 PM' post='544272']

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache'. 'Perfect,' her husband said, 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

:shades: [

 

I should have known you'd see that one... BB, every time I read it I laugh. Ya, I gotta sick sense of humor.

[BlackBeauty]

I should have known you'd see that one... BB, every time I read it I laugh. Ya, I gotta sick sense of humor.

 

 

I found it funny ~ just thought I'd give you a look, it's been awhile.

[northportboss]

LIFE EXPLAINED...

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

 

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

 

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?

 

So God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

 

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

 

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

 

And God agreed.

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

 

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

 

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

 

And God agreed again.

 

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

 

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

 

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

 

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

Life has now been explained to you.

[07TungGT500Cpe]

LIFE EXPLAINED...

 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

Life has now been explained to you.

 

[XLR8]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

 

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

 

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

 

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to

mistake himself for a financial genius.

 

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no

allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

 

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

 

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants

as the market keeps crashing.

 

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

 

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

 

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

 

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your

assets equally between themselves.

 

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

 

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

 

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears

down the toilet.

 

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker

for $240 per share.

 

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who

bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

 

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked

up in a nuthouse.

 

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[SexyStang]

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.....

 

 

 

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

 

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The

nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

 

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

 

 

 

 

[BlackBeauty]

Subject: The fable of "One Stone"

 

 

 

 

The Indian With One Testicle

 

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

 

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

 

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

 

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

 

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

 

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

 

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the

next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

 

 

Why ???

 

 

 

 

Everyone knows...

 

 

 

 

You can't kill Two Birds

 

with OneStone !!!

[kstrong]

Some Canadian Humour!!

 

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...

He's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Canadians know how to get'er done)

[kstrong]

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.....

 

 

 

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

 

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The

nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

 

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

 

 

 

 

You're bad! :happy feet:

[SexyStang]

You're bad! :happy feet:

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was pretty hysterical I didn't expect that ending........ But on the other hand it figures..... :rolleyes:

[frydguy79]

>>

>>

>>

>>

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously

>> deranged young

man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley

>> was

absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous,

 

>> and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to

make

>> himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate

President

Reagan.

>>

>>

>>

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been

>>

rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from

 

>> John McCain that the staff at the mental 20 facility, treating

Hinckley ,

>> reports to have intercepted this past

weekend:

>>

>>

**********************************************

>>

>>

September 19,

2008

>>

>>

>>

To: John

Hinckley

>>

>>

From: John

McCain

>>

>>

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how

>>

pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In

 

>> our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we

want

>> you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and

forgiveness

>>

throughout.

>>

>>

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne

>>

against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of

 

>> how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act

of

>> desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete

recovery

>> and return to your family to join the world again as a

healthy and

>> productive young

man.

>>

>>

Best

Wishes,

>>

>>

John and Cindy

McCain

>>

>>

PS: Barack Obama has been humping Jodie

Foster.

>>

>>

I thought you should

know.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

[kstrong]

>>

>>

>>

>>

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously

>> deranged young

man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley

>> was

absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous,

 

>> and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to

make

>> himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate

President

Reagan.

>>

>>

>>

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been

>>

rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from

 

>> John McCain that the staff at the mental 20 facility, treating

Hinckley ,

>> reports to have intercepted this past

weekend:

>>

>>

**********************************************

>>

>>

September 19,

2008

>>

>>

>>

To: John

Hinckley

>>

>>

From: John

McCain

>>

>>

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how

>>

pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In

 

>> our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we

want

>> you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and

forgiveness

>>

throughout.

>>

>>

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne

>>

against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of

 

>> how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act

of

>> desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete

recovery

>> and return to your family to join the world again as a

healthy and

>> productive young

man.

>>

>>

Best

Wishes,

>>

>>

John and Cindy

McCain

>>

>>

PS: Barack Obama has been humping Jodie

Foster.

>>

>>

I thought you should

know.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

[Guest markham51]

>>

PS: Barack Obama has been humping Jodie

Foster.

>>

>>

I thought you should

know.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

 

 

 

Thats waaaay funny!

[ShelbyDude]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

 

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

 

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

 

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the Government.

 

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

 

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

 

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

 

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

 

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

 

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

 

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

 

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!

[sharabi]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

 

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

 

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

 

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the Government.

 

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

 

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

 

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

 

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

 

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

 

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

 

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

 

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!

[tekheavy]

[BlackVert]

:lol2:

[MY500SS]

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.....

 

 

 

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

 

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The

nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

 

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

 

 

 

 

Tooooooooooooo funny. Thanks for sharing.

 

ps, Marji didn't laugh which makes all the more funny

[kstrong]

Tooooooooooooo funny. Thanks for sharing.

 

ps, Marji didn't laugh which makes all the more funny

[ShelbyDude]

 

 

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player...ctid=1842856410