Jokes

[BlackBeauty]

Two Italian Men

 

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They

sit down and engage in an animated conversation that

seems to be English.

 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them

at first, but her attention is galvanized when she

hears one of them say the following: "Emma come

first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I

come once-a-mo re! Tw o asses, they come together

again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come aone lasta time."

 

The lady can't take this any more, " You

foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted

indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud

in public places about our sex lives."

 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

Mississippi."

[68fastback]

 

good one, BB!!

[tekheavy]

 

[XLR8]

How to get a man to wash his hands.

 

[68fastback]

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007

 

 

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? [/size]

 

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked [/color]

 

intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

 

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

 

Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who

 

had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,

 

officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,

 

shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?

 

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced

 

him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the

 

kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

 

A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the

 

money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,

 

so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three

 

hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 

5. DID I SAY THAT?

 

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just

 

couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each

 

man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or

 

I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'.

 

 

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

 

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her

 

contractions are only two minutes apart,' 'Is this her first child?'

 

the doctor asked. 'No,' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'

 

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

 

In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up

 

a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a

 

finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his

 

pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!

 

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour

 

east of Bakersfield , CA , some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.

 

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot

 

boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how

 

much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they

 

putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell

 

them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in

 

perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and

 

down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the

 

marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up

 

choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[BlackBeauty]

[NCStangFanatic]

[BlackBeauty]

Probably a repeat... but wth

 

 

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear...

 

 

 

These are not made up.

Check them out yourself!

 

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com

 

 

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:

www.expertsexchange.com

 

 

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than

'Pen Island'. It can be found at:

www.penisland.net

 

 

 

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com

 

 

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:

www.powergenitalia.com

 

 

6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com

 

 

 

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:

www.speedofart.com

[68fastback]

 

Those are great! I had heard of only a couple before ...gotta love it!

[NCStangFanatic]

[ShelbyDude]

Policy Experiment:

 

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

 

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

 

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

[tekheavy]

Policy Experiment:

 

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

 

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

 

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

 

 

My heads spinning after reading this!! :burnout:

[RStangsOC]

Definition of Globalization

 

Finally, a definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

 

 

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

 

Answer:

Princess Diana's death.

 

 

Question:

How come?

 

 

Answer :

 

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a

 

 

German car

 

 

with a Dutch engine,

 

 

driven by a Belgian

 

 

who was drunk

 

 

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

 

 

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

 

 

on Japanese motorcycles;

 

 

treated by an American doctor,

 

using Brazilian medicines.

 

 

This is sent to you by

 

 

an American,

 

 

using Bill Gates' technology,

 

 

 

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

 

 

that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor,

 

 

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

 

 

 

in a Singapore plant,

 

 

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

 

 

hijacked by Indonesians,

 

 

 

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

 

 

 

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... .

 

..

 

..

 

..

 

..

 

..

 

That, my friends, is Globalization!

 

 

 

 

[RUFDRAFT]

And this is funny - because it's true (probably)! :happy feet:

[RStangsOC]

And this is funny - because it's true (probably)! :happy feet:

 

 

Sorry - couldn't help it

[XLR8]

The Polite way to Pee

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

 

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

 

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table .

 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said, 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

 

The teacher fainted...

[tekheavy]

The Polite way to Pee

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

 

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

 

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table .

 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said, 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

 

The teacher fainted...

 

[68fastback]

That's some funny stuff!!!

 

---

 

<edit:> just skip the rest of this post if you're looking for a laugh ... ;-)

 

...but even monkeys will eventually correct a negative (avoidance) process without ongoing external stimuli -- and so do corporations. It happens when a monkey sneakily makes a mad-dash for the banana and, fearing the attack, jumps back off -- but the attack never has a chance to happen and no external negative reinforcement stimulus can now occur (no one owns the cold water). Then it will be tried again, etc. Eventually one will get the banana and no one will care why it was different before ...and the lack of negative reinforcement will permit the revised pattern to replace the old one. But I'll agree that some policies do originate that way and can be scarily durable. Some folks (like myself) relish specializing in finding those mis-anchored patterns, determining the process that will support a more productive reality, and escallating the keepers of the flawed policy higher-and-higher until either change is made or some [fool] takes responsibility for [mindlessly] reinforcing it, thereby transferring the 'keeper' target to a more appropriate owner [fool] <lol> so it will be much easier to address in the future. (Example: democrats still religiously pursue the Robin Hood principle on the basis that buying the vote of the poor is the most efficient use of the money they steal from the rest, except that even the poor are wising up to the downside of a negtive-sum game).

 

...but that's not globalization -- that's merely a global process with global sources and global application. Globalization is when *each* of those pieces (and preferably *every* as well) described is *the* 'best' piece for the 'whole' and is therefore the most 'right' and is each necessarily owned and managed with global responsibility within the global business process without region/country/other compartmentalization to add [unnecessary] structure and expense to the organization. I won't define 'best' 'whole' and 'right' because they differ based on a number of considerations intrinsic to a specific business, it's specific core-competancies and supporting business processes. (Example: selling Tauruses here with parts made in many countries is not necessarily globalization. Selling Tauruses in many countries with parts each made in *the* one place in the one global place in the company that does that (each)_piece best is what globalization is about. That is, making a Taurus where-ever with parts made where-ever based on designs created where-ever *is* true globalization *if* the car as a 'whole' is 'right' for each market (skin/feature tailoring is fine but adds another layer) *if* that's beacuse each where-ever part is best-of-breed *globally* and therefore sources globally from that busines process for cars shipped wherever (preferably globally too, but not necessarily so), ...e.g. the Daggenham 3.5 as the global business-unit source of the strategic Ford V6 (assuming the above 'whole' right' 'best') regardless of the specific target vehicle market *is* a valid example (tho compartmentalized in this simplistic case) of true business globalization -- regarless of what that best-of-breed process's product (the Dag.V6) is incorporated-into and where it's marketed/sold.

 

You would not be alone just 5-10 years ago in thinking one of the other scenarios was true globalization which is only now becoming well understood, imo. Why does that take so long? Beacuse it necesarily cuts across all existing business boundaries (region, country, language, existing organizational structure, corporate politics, policies (see above, <lol>), lines of responsibility, etc) so is not only daunting to define on a product-in-market basis (across all products) but also incredibly challenging to implement successfully and *sustainably.*

 

Btw, Ford clearly sees the Dag.V6 as a key globalization center-of competancy, imho. But consider this: by the time the comapny (any company) is realligned such that all vehicles (products) are globally correct/optimized (should any corporation actually ever achieve such for even one sustained nansecond <lol>) the applicable state-of-the-art technology across those products will have changed enough in the intervening months/years such that, lacking continuous re-assessment and re-allignment, sub-optimization is always assured! Therefore the globalization *process* is *never* complete and must* be contuinuous (and prefereably non-disruptive, balanced and staged). Such optimization is not only desireable but absolutely essential to even *maintain* a given level of true globalization progress/benefit because the whole notion is somewhat of a treadmill.

 

Of course, to the extent a company is sustainably successful in true globalization is to the extent it's products can be more market-excellent and more cost-managed/effective, and therefore more successful (acceptance) and profitable (ROCA) collectively in their global (not to be confuised with globalization) markets -- i.e. the globalization payoff is clear, but achieving some level of sustainable (ongoing) true (verifiable) globalization competency (benefits/payoffs ingrained in the business processes) and is therefore one of the most complex 'clockwork' business process challenges facing worldwide multi-national (i.e. not yet process-globalized) companies today, imo, because each and every optimization decision is always a moving target with the measure-of-success directly affected by similar achievements by your competition.

 

Just some thoughts... I'm sure there's much more I'm ignorant of on this subject (there's an understatement! <lol>) and I'm not especially familiar with the challenges of the auto industry, but the principles of globalization do apply rather universally.

 

-Dan

[XLR8]

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average

American walks about 900 miles a year.

 

Another study by the American Medical Association found that

Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

 

This means, on average, Americans get almost 41 miles to the gallon.

 

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American :beerchug:

[RStangsOC]

BRIDGE....

 

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

 

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

 

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for

Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

 

The biker thought about it for a long time.

 

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

 

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

[switz]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

 

 

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating'.

 

 

 

 

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

 

 

 

 

 

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City

and I was fascinated'.

 

 

 

 

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to

use the word fascinate'.

 

 

 

 

 

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

 

 

 

 

 

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him .

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her

tits are so big she can only fasten eight'.

 

 

 

 

 

The teacher sat down and cried...

[David Hawkins]

Have you all noticed that Little Johnny sure gets around.............................

[David Hawkins]

Here's another one - French Military Victories

 

Type that into google and hit "I'm feeling lucky" and see what it says.....it's awesome.

 

 

This is what pops up...................

 

"Did you mean: french military defeats"

 

[SPRSNK]

The Men's Merit and Demerit Guide:

 

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

 

Here is a guide to the points system:

 

SIMPLE DUTIES

 

1. You make the bed.....+1

2. You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0

3. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1

4. You leave the toilet seat up.....-5

5. You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0

6. When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1

7. When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2

8. You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5

9. In the snow .....+8

10. But return with beer.....-5

11. And no liners.....-25

12. You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0

13. You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0

14. You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5

15. You pummel it with a six iron.....+10

16. It's her cat.....-40

 

 

AT THE PARTY

 

1. You stay by her side the entire party.....0

2. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College

3. drinking buddy.....-2

4. Named Tiffany.....-4

5. Tiffany is a dancer.....-10

 

 

HER BIRTHDAY

 

1. You remember her birthday.....0

2. You buy a card and flowers.....0

3. You take her out to dinner.....0

4. You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1

5. Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2

6. And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3

7. It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10

 

 

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

 

1. Go with a pal.....0

2. The pal is happily married.....+1

3. The pal is single.....-7

4. He drives a Ferrari.....-10

5. With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

 

 

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

 

1. You take her to a movie.....+2

2. You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

3. You take her to a movie you hate.....+6

4. You take her to a movie you like.....-2

5. It's called Death Cop III.....-3

6. Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9

7. You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

 

 

YOUR PHYSIQUE

 

1. You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15

2. You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10

3. You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy

4. Hawaiian shirts.....-30

5. You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-500

 

 

THE BIG QUESTION

 

1. She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in

2. responding.....-10

3. You reply, "Where?".....-35

4. You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"......-100

5. Any other response.....-20

 

 

COMMUNICATION

 

1. When she wants to talk about a problem:

2. You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0

3. You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5

4. You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50

5. You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her

6. saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100

7. You have fallen asleep.....-200

 

 

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

 

1. You talk.....-100

2. You don't talk.....-150

3. You spend time with her......-200

4. You don't spend time with her.....-500

5. You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

 

 

Game Over - YOU LOSE

 

I got -2617

[07TungGT500Cpe]

I think I got a -4000

[07TungGT500Cpe]

I rear-ended a car a few days ago. It wasn't really that bad but a fight soon broke out! When the driver of the other car got out, I saw that he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"

 

So I said, "Well, which one of the seven are you then?"

 

That's when the fight started......

[68fastback]

 

Time to bump up the jokes wit a few puns

 

 

Pun Intended...

 

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whisky maker,

but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because

it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder

and got a little behind in his work.

 

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

 

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road

and was cited for littering.

 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

Linoleum Blownapart.

 

9. Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

 

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

 

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

 

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,

a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

 

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,

he just didn't have the balls to do it.

 

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was

a small medium at large.

 

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now

a seasoned veteran.

 

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 

23. When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.

 

24. Don't join dangerous cults:

Practice safe sects!

:lol2: :ph34r:

[XLR8]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

[RStangsOC]

Married Life

 

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

 

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

 

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancee got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

 

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I

made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long

scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos . I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

[69deluxe]

What teachers really think:

 

It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

 

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

 

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

 

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

 

The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

 

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

 

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

 

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.