David Hawkins Posted July 11, 2008 Report Share Posted July 11, 2008 Superman wanted to go Bar Hoping in hopes of getting "LUCKY" but he did not want to go alone. So he Flew of to the Bat Cave to see if Batman & Robin wanted to go. They had to decline because they had to Tune Up the Batmobile. So Superman decided to fly over to Spidermans House. Spiderman said he couldn't go out because he had to refill his Web Shooters. All depressed Superman decided that Bar Hoping wouldn't be Fun alone so he decided to Fly up the Coast of California to see what happening. As he is Flying along he Spots Wanderwoman laying on the Beach totally Naked with her arms and legs flailing about. Superman thought to himself "Hummmm I go up high, Fly down at Super Sonic Speed and nail her good and be gone before she knew what happened. So that is just what he did. He Flys down at Super Sonic Speed, nails her good and Flys off at Super Sonic Speed. Just then, Wanderwoman jerked up and says, "What the heck was THAT"? The "INVISIBLE MAN" says, 'I don't know but my A$$ hurts like hell". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Hawkins Posted July 11, 2008 Report Share Posted July 11, 2008 One more: "NEW CAMARO" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackhawkpilot Posted July 12, 2008 Report Share Posted July 12, 2008 "NEW CAMARO" Here's another one - French Military Victories Type that into google and hit "I'm feeling lucky" and see what it says.....it's awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTH391 Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 Now that there is funny, I don't care who you are! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RStangsOC Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 SUBJECT - And Then The Fight Started When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started.... ******************************************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... ****************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... ****************************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SPRSNK Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 A man forgot to buy a gift for his anniversary. His wife was mad. She demanded that "the next morning, there better be something that can go from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds out on the driveway." The next morning, the man left for work early, and his wife went out on the driveway and there was a small box. Puzzled, she opened it, and there was a bathroom scale. The man has not been seen since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted July 19, 2008 Report Share Posted July 19, 2008 You Might Be A Taliban If...... 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.' 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives In your clothing. 8 . You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.' 10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 11. You bathe monthly whether necessary or not. 12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat. Ruh roh, Joegie ...see # 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted July 19, 2008 Report Share Posted July 19, 2008 Dan never forgets! :happy feet: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RStangsOC Posted July 21, 2008 Report Share Posted July 21, 2008 Watch Out For Bears Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XLR8 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 Dear Safety Harbor Middle School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and I live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Edna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
69dejavue Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 I'm not as good as I once was - but I'm as good as any man - once. :happy feet: :bandance: Or in other words; What I once used to do all night, now takes me all night to do once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
07TungGT500Cpe Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 Or in other words; What I once used to do all night, now takes me all night to do once. It gets to the point that at my age, the only time you think about doing twice is before you do it once. After that....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
07TungGT500Cpe Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 A guy is shopping for a doll to give to his little girl and focuses in on a Barbie. "Hello Miss but could you help with these Barbie dolls, please?" says the man. "Sure, what would you like to know?" says the salesgirl. "What is the difference in these different dolls?" "Well, the name pretty much tells you everything but we have Surfer Barbie for $19.95, Wilderness Barbie for $19.99, Offroad Barbie for $19.95, Party Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $220." "Wow, why is the Divorced Barbie cost so much?" says the man. "Oh that's easy, the Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, boat, house, airplane and miscellaneous equipment plus bank checking and savings accounts." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matts Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 One fine day a gentleman who is an animal activist was cruising along a back country road enjoying the scenery. After several hours of driving he came across an open field filled with goats, steeds, and one lonely sheep. The man squinted in desperation to see what was behind the sheep. So as the man came closer to the sheep the object became clearer. It was a man having his way with the sheep right in the middle of the field. The man was disgusted and sped off... as he began to drive further and further away the angrier he gotten and disgusted. So the Man put the car in reverse and headed back to the field to confront the man, yet the man wasn't there so he went to the front door and knocked. Then a young boy answered the door "Hello sir, what could I do for you today?" said the young man. The man replied " Hello Lad is your father home I need to speak with him" The boy replied "Sure, Hey Dah-dah-dah-dah-DAD!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 Proud Dads ;-) > Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men > had to use the rest room. The three others talked about > their kids. > > The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He > started working at a company at the bottom. He > studied Business and began to climb the corporate > ladder, became president of the company. He's so > rich; he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes > for Christmas > > The second guy said, 'Damn, that's terrific! My son > is also my pride and joy. He started working for a > big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He > became a partner, where he owns the majority of its > assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a > brand new jet as a Christmas gift.' > > The third man said: 'Well, that is terrific! My son > studied in the best universities and became an engineer, > started his own construction company and is now a > multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas > gift to his best friend: A 30,000 square foot mansion. > > The three friends congratulate each other just as the > fourth returned from the rest room and asked: 'What > are all the congratulations for?' > > One of the three said: 'We're talking about the > pride we feel for the successes of our sons ... > What about your son?' > > The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a > living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' > > The three friends said: 'That's a shame .. what a > disappointment.' > > The fourth man replied: 'Nah, I'm not ashamed. > He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too > badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a > beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet > and a top of the line Mercedes from his three > boyfriends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Hawkins Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 Here is a simple, easy to remember, Pre-School allowed (Maybe), one word Joke: CONGRESS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cobramach1 Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 New Sunburn Treatment A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnsignaldelete Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 . . . . This, ......One time, 'At Band Camp'.............. . . :bowdown: :banana piano: + :elefant: AND Then................... :beerchug: :happy feet: And Then We Took............ ..and we ..... ........GoodBYe.......THE END . . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatboy Posted July 24, 2008 Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 daysand a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! OMG!! HAHAHHAHA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlackBeauty Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 Mouse Balls and Mouse Ball Inspector I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences. "If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method; domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive; however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 Funny stuff! That one was actually a jok from the beginning -- never went out as an actual memo. Snopes confirms this, and I was working at IBM at the time. Still very funny indeed. In the 60s there was an IBM Corporate Safety Instruction called 'Safe Lifting' but if you read it thinking of it's alternative meaning it would have you crying with laughter ...wish I had saved it. Here's a true one also: when IBM reorganized in the late 70s/early 80s (can't recall.. has happened so many times) one of the new Corporate Divisions was the the National Accounts Division (read that approximately as Fortune 500 marketing). Now, since the early 1900s, an annual major IBM event has always been to pull in the 100% Club salesman (those that made and exceeded their sales quotas) to "The Big Tent" in Endicott, NY (the IBM mothership's homeland) for a few days of sharing, comaradarie and fun. This event is where the IBM "songs" sprung up in the early 1900s (still sung today, on rarer occasions) to celebrate the company, etc. Well, at the next annual Big Tent event after the formation of the National Accounts Division (NAD), the rally-cry of the event, not surprisingly, became "GO NAD! GO NAD! GO NAD!" Needless to say a very real memo followed that event admonishing everyone on IBM from ever referring to the National Accounts Division in the abbreviated form "NAD." I guess that was better than a memo instructing that there were to be no more "GO NADs" in IBM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mywickedshelby Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 never figured you for a beamer. did you work off I-84 near the prison? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlackBeauty Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 Funny stuff! That one was actually a jok from the beginning -- never went out as an actual memo. Snopes confirms this, and I was working at IBM at the time. Still very funny indeed. In the 60s there was an IBM Corporate Safety Instruction called 'Safe Lifting' but if you read it thinking of it's alternative meaning it would have you crying with laughter ...wish I had saved it. Here's a true one also: when IBM reorganized in the late 70s/early 80s (can't recall.. has happened so many times) one of the new Corporate Divisions was the the National Accounts Division (read that approximately as Fortune 500 marketing). Now, since the early 1900s, an annual major IBM event has always been to pull in the 100% Club salesman (those that made and exceeded their sales quotas) to "The Big Tent" in Endicott, NY (the IBM mothership's homeland) for a few days of sharing, comaradarie and fun. This event is where the IBM "songs" sprung up in the early 1900s (still sung today, on rarer occasions) to celebrate the company, etc. Well, at the next annual Big Tent event after the formation of the National Accounts Division (NAD), the rally-cry of the event, not surprisingly, became "GO NAD! GO NAD! GO NAD!" Needless to say a very real memo followed that event admonishing everyone on IBM from ever referring to the National Accounts Division in the abbreviated form "NAD." I guess that was better than a memo instructing that there were to be no more "GO NADs" in IBM ------------ I rec'd the mouse ball joke in email form and didn't change it. BTW: I do appreciate and enjoy all your knowledge - you seem quite informed on many subjects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 ------------ I rec'd the mouse ball joke in email form and didn't change it. BTW: I do appreciate and enjoy all your knowledge - you seem quite informed on many subjects. BB - 68Fastback knows more than I've forgotten! And - he's cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mywickedshelby Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 and he is from Queens! Astoria Park forever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 White Castle Hamburgers! :happy feet: Connecting Highways! :happy feet: Murry the K!! :happy feet: Cousin Brucie!! :happy feet: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 never figured you for a beamer.did you work off I-84 near the prison? That must be Somers, NY? ...where a lot of the division HQs are? Used to day-trip there often but I started in the '60s in the NY Programming Center (NYC 50th & 6th, several floors in the Time/Life building) and then moved to Kingston in the 70s (when Ted Climas closed NYPC). Those were great days ...before the great implosion. Good to see IBM doing really well again. I worked with a fellow in Kingston that put all $100K or so of his buy-out in '93 in IBM stock when it was at it's all-time low of $45 -- brilliant move! Wish I had the gonads to do likewise ;-) Yeah, Astoria Park Rocks! I forgot about your roots Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 White Castle Hamburgers! :happy feet: Connecting Highways! :happy feet: Murry the K!! :happy feet: Cousin Brucie!! :happy feet: Bryan, did you catch that AmyB bought the Connecting Highway sign ...on e-bay last year? How cool is that!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 6, 2008 Report Share Posted August 6, 2008 And....? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 And....? Now she has it at her house ...er... or office ...I forget. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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