Jokes

[08SGT0004]

Routine Traffic Stop SOP(s)...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkBNecBzO4Y

[BlackBeauty]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no onger be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

 

 

 

And furthermore!

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

 

2. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

 

3. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

 

4. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

 

 

 

 

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE

FACILITY."

 

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

 

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE

DESTINATIONS."

 

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

 

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL BUTT HEAD" - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

 

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR

CLEAVAGE."

[RUFDRAFT]

Did you write this?

[BlackBeauty]

Did you write this?

 

 

 

No can't take credit for that... .

[BlackBeauty]

Subject: CHILDBIRTH AT SIXTY-FIVE??????

 

 

 

 

 

Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!!With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

 

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

 

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

 

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

 

'No, not yet,' She said.

 

After another few minutes had elapsed,

 

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now? '

 

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

 

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

 

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

 

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

 

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[CH53Driver]

The Airforce General says, "That's nothing," and proceeds to order the Blue Angels to go into a dive and not to pull up until he tells them to. Bam, the jets bite the dust. "Now that's balls gentlemen," says the Airforce General.

 

You do know the Blue Angels are Navy/Marines right? Or maybe that was part of the joke?

[08SGT0004]

You do know the Blue Angels are Navy/Marines right? Or maybe that was part of the joke?

 

In the infamous words of Roscoe P. Coaltrain.

 

"Coo.. Coo... Coo..."

[SexyStang]

The average American walks about 900 miles a year. :hyper:

 

 

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22

gallons of alcohol a year. :tequila:

 

 

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to

the gallon.

 

 

 

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American.

[SexyStang]

SEX AFTER DEATH!!! :huh:

 

 

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,

 

'Judy ..Judy!'

 

'Is that you, Steve?'

 

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

 

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

 

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

 

'Oh, Steve, you surely must be in Heaven!'..... :angel:

 

 

'Not exactly.... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'......

[DDT]

The average American walks about 900 miles a year. :hyper:

 

 

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22

gallons of alcohol a year. :tequila:

 

 

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to

the gallon.

 

 

 

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American.

 

 

Definately proud to be American; But my mileage is low and consumption high...........

 

:beerchug:

 

Think I need a tune up?????????

[mustang_shelpy]

A Kid asks: 'Daddy? How did I come into this world?

The Daddy Answered: ' Well, my child, some day I'll have

to tell you any way,

The Kid asked again: 'So why not today?' The Dad

Respond: Please, listen carefully:

Mom and Dad met each other in an internet café. In the

bathroom of that café, dad connected to mom.

Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory

stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we didn't use

any firewall.

Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we

ended up with a virus.'

[68fastback]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?' The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says: 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

 

What's it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than buffalo $hit. Someone stole tent!

[Blackhawkpilot]

What's it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than buffalo $hit. Someone stole tent!

 

 

 

The Post Turtle

 

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

 

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'

 

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb a$$ put him up there to begin with.'

[kahmann]

Three Women

 

Three women:

one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their

relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear

black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their

eyes.

 

After a few days

they meet up for lunch.

 

The engaged

woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black

leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the

woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night

long.

 

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at

his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes

and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,

but he just grabbed me and we had steamy,

hard, dirty sex on the office floor all

night.

 

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for

the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black

stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door

and saw me he said,

 

"What's for dinner, there,

Batman?"

[68fastback]

 

...and welcome to the site

[RUFDRAFT]

 

...and welcome to the site

Dan - how about putting me in your sig? :happy feet:

 

The older I get - the faster I went. Ruf

[07TungGT500Cpe]

I was wearing the leather bodice, black

stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door

and saw me he said,

 

"What's for dinner, there,

Batman?"

 

 

 

 

The telephone rings at dawn with, "Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ramon, the caretaker at your country house."

 

"Ah yes Ramon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

 

"Um, well I am just calling to advise you Señor Rod that your pet parrot is dead."

 

"My parrot that won the international competition? Dead?"

 

"Si señor, that's the one!"

 

"Damn that's a pity. I had a small fortune invested in that bird. Do we know what he died from?"

 

"Yes it was from eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod."

 

"Rotten meat? Who in the hell was stupid enough to feed him rotten meat?"

 

"No one Señor Rod, he ate the meat of the dead horse all on his own."

 

"Dead horse? What dead horse Ramon?"

 

"The thoroughbred race horse, Señor Rod."

 

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

 

"Yes Señor Rod, we think he dies from all of that work pulling the water cart."

 

"Water cart, are you insane?? What water cart?"

 

"The water cart that we used to put out the fire, Señor!"

 

"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?"

 

"The one at the house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire."

 

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

 

"Si Señor Rod."

 

"I don't understand. There is electricity at the house! What the hell was the candle for?"

 

"For the funeral, Señor Rod."

 

"FUNERAL??? WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

 

"Your wife's Señor. You see, she showed up very late one night while you were away, and I thought she was a thief and I accidentially hit her over the head with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club."

 

SILENCE..............LONG SILENCE

 

"Ramon, if you broke that driver, you are really in deep, deep shit!!"

[Blackhawkpilot]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

 

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his

arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming.'

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

[XLR8]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Shelby convertible out

of the dealership.

 

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing

through what little hair he had left.

 

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

 

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue

lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

 

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled

over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Shelby, looked at his

watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you

can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let

you go.'

 

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with

a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

 

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

[Blackhawkpilot]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

 

One week later, The Clarion-Ledger in Jackson, Mississippi, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field near Mendenhall, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had already gone wireless.

[Blackhawkpilot]

The Honorable Tom Harkin

731 Hart Senate Office Building

Phone (202) 224 3254

Washington DC, 20510

 

Dear Senator Harkin,

 

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

 

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

 

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

 

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

 

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

 

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

 

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

 

Your Loyal Constituent,

 

Donald Ruppert

Burlington , IA

[Blackhawkpilot]

Words of wisdom from that great philosopher, Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:

 

 

 

 

 

'I have outlived my di ck.'

[Blackhawkpilot]

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

 

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

 

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

 

She said, "Six."

 

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

 

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

[07TungGT500Cpe]

WE NEED TO BE PRECISE WITH OUR INSTRUCTIONS....

 

There is a factory in northern Minnesota that makes the "Tickle Me" Elmo toys, toys that laugh when you tickle them under the arms.

 

Well, Lena was hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports promptly at 8:00 AM the next morning.

 

At 8:45 AM, there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The shop foreman throws open the door and begins to complain about the new employee.

 

The shop manager complains that Lena is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The personnel manager decides that he must see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they are really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo toys. The men notice that Lena has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The two men watch in amazement as Lena cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two small marbles and she begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's little legs. The personnel manager bursts into laughter and after of few minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

 

"I´m sorry," he says to Lena barely being able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday when I hired you. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles...."

[fatboy]

"I´m sorry," he says to Lena barely being able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday when I hired you. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles...."

 

 

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

 

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[XLR8]

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[mciarochi]

I've learned that Martini's are a lot like women's breasts:

 

One isn't quite enough.

Two is perfect.

 

Three is altogether too many.

[07TungGT500Cpe]

The best lawyer story of all time....bar none.

 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. so the united Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

 

The volunteer opened the meeting bu saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penney to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

 

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

 

Embarassed, the United Way volunteer mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that."

 

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did your research show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

 

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again.

 

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten syas, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

 

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[XLR8]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

 

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

 

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

 

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

 

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

 

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

 

The next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10, not $110.00.

 

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'

[Blackhawkpilot]

You Might Be A Taliban If......

 

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

 

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

 

3. You have more wives than teeth.

 

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

 

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

 

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

 

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives In your clothing.

 

8 . You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

 

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

 

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

 

11. You bathe monthly whether necessary or not.

 

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.