Jokes

[DDT]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they

find it overloaded and only the wife and 9 kids are able to ride. So the

husband and blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets

irritated by the ticking from the blind mans stick as he taps it on the sidewalk

and says to him;

 

"Why don't you put a rubber cap at the end of your stick"?

"That ticking sound is driving me crazy".

 

The blind man replies;

 

 

"If you would have put a rubber cap at the end of your stick, we would be on the bus".

"SO SHUT THE HELL UP"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SexyStang]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they

find it overloaded and only the wife and 9 kids are able to ride. So the

husband and blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets

irritated by the ticking from the blind mans stick as he taps it on the sidewalk

and says to him;

 

"Why don't you put a rubber cap at the end of your stick"?

"That ticking sound is driving me crazy".

 

The blind man replies;

 

 

"If you would have put a rubber cap at the end of your stick, we would be on the bus".

"SO SHUT THE HELL UP"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

[twobjshelbys]

New Shelby Mustang

 

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mustang convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought > as he flew down the freeway, pushing the pedal even more.

 

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Mustang, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

 

The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

 

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

[Blackhawkpilot]

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

 

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his

breakfast.

 

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think just go to school.'

 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think eat your lunch and go back to school.

 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, Are Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

 

I gave him my airplane glue.' :blink:

[NCStangFanatic]

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

 

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his

breakfast.

 

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think just go to school.'

 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think eat your lunch and go back to school.

 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, Are Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

 

I gave him my airplane glue.' :blink:

 

 

 

 

[DDT]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion lead to an argument and the silent treatment.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules goats and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked;

 

"Relatives of yours"???????????

 

The wife replied;

 

"YEP, INLAWS"!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SexyStang]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning

back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday

was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl

of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,

the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster...everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was

reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a

McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a

chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and

her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous ad venture!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed

exhausted.

 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,

what was it like being six again?"

 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my

Dress Size, you dumb ass!!"

 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

 

 

 

[DDT]

Husband asked his wife;

 

"How can you be so BEAUTIFUL but STUPID at the same time"????????

 

 

 

Wife answered;

 

"God made me BEAUTIFUL so you would be attracted to me"..............

 

"God also made me STUPID so I would be attracted to you.................

[mustang_shelpy]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

 

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

 

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

 

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

 

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

 

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

 

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[RUFDRAFT]

[CH53Driver]

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my

Dress Size, you dumb ass!!"

 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

 

 

 

 

No, just like a woman to screw up the delivery! This is what she should have said:

 

 

"I'd like to be a six again,"

[Blackhawkpilot]

No, just like a woman to screw up the delivery! This is what she should have said:

"I'd like to be a six again,"

 

 

Nice attention to detail!

 

 

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

 

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

 

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

 

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

 

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

 

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

* One, you have a dirty mind.

* Two, you didn't read your homework.

* And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

[RUFDRAFT]

I don't get it.

[ShelbyDude]

I don't get it.

 

 

What??? And you're a teacher?

[CH53Driver]

I don't get it.

 

Pipe down English teacher!

[BlackBeauty]

No, just like a woman to screw up the delivery! This is what she should have said:

 

 

"I'd like to be a six again,"

 

 

First off Matt you are correct about the "A" six again comment but I must for the "just like a woman" comment. Secondly the man still got it wrong since a six year is probably not allowed to go on alot of those rides at six flags -

[ShelbyDude]

First off Matt you are correct about the "A" six again comment but I must for the "just like a woman" comment. Secondly the man still got it wrong since a six year is probably not allowed to go on alot of those rides at six flags -

 

 

Hey, just because she got to FEEL like six doesn't mean she LOOKED like six!

[RUFDRAFT]

Pipe down English teacher!

[CH53Driver]

First off Matt you are correct about the "A" six again comment but I must for the "just like a woman" comment. Secondly the man still got it wrong since a six year is probably not allowed to go on alot of those rides at six flags -

 

Uh oh, here we go with the analyzing again.

[RUFDRAFT]

First off Matt you are correct about the "A" six again comment but I must for the "just like a woman" comment. Secondly the man still got it wrong since a six year is probably not allowed to go on alot of those rides at six flags -

Stop calling Christine while she's cooking my dinner! She burnt the keilbasa!

[RUFDRAFT]

Uh oh, here we go with the analyzing again.

killin' me over here.... :jackinbox:

[BlackBeauty]

Uh oh, here we go with the analyzing again.

 

 

:jackinbox:

[08SGT0004]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you even give a 5h!t?'

 

R/ J

[rpretzel]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you even give a 5h!t?'

 

R/ J

 

Good one. If you ain't livin', you ain't livin'. Be reckless & take chances.

[RUFDRAFT]

Good one. If you ain't livin', you ain't livin'. Be reckless & take chances.

Thanks, Dad! :happy feet:

[cobrakalas427]

Ancient Chinese Proverb:

 

"MAN WHO GO THROUGH AIRPORT TURNSTYLE SIDEWAYS ALWAYS GOING TO BANGKOK"

[08SGT0004]

Only in New York

[08SGT0004]

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.

 

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.

 

She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

 

The first priest approached the window.

 

"Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg."

 

He completely lost his composure and fled.

 

The second priest goes to the window.

 

"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."

 

Mortified, he too fled.

 

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window.

 

"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

[08SGT0004]

 

 

I'm Sorry Officer...

[07TungGT500Cpe]

St. Fingers....Peter!!!!

 

There is an Army General, an Airforce General and an Admiral standing together bragging to each other about the courage each of their men have.

 

The Admiral tells them that the Navy has men with the most balls and proceeds to yell at a sailor cleaning the top of a ship's mast. "Ensign, hit the deck," yells the Admiral and the sailor quickly follows the orders and splats on the deck.

 

The Airforce General says, "That's nothing," and proceeds to order the Blue Angels to go into a dive and not to pull up until he tells them to. Bam, the jets bite the dust. "Now that's balls gentlemen," says the Airforce General.

 

"You guys don't know shit from shinola about balls. Watch this," says the Army General. There is a lowly private sitting at the top of a 90 foot flagpole shining the end og the same when the Army General yells out, "Private, jump down from there!"

 

"F... you," yells out the private and the Army General turns to his peers and says, "Now that gentlemen is Balls!"