Jokes

[mustang_shelpy]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the

<BR>hell have you been?"

 

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

 

"A tattoo?" she frowned "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

 

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

 

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in

disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill

<BR>tattooed on his privates?"

 

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like

to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here

at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[mustang_shelpy]

Subject: Why men have better friends

 

 

 

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. When the man called his wife's 10 best friends, none of them knew anything about it.

 

 

 

Friendship between men: A man doesn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirm he had slept over and 2 said that he was still there.

[BlackBeauty]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the

<BR>hell have you been?"

 

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

 

"A tattoo?" she frowned "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

 

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

 

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in

disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill

<BR>tattooed on his privates?"

 

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like

to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here

 

 

 

 

at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[BlackBeauty]

The Best Way To Pray

 

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for

prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

 

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

 

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands

outstretched to Heaven."

 

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is

lying down on the floor."

 

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he

interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside

down from a telephone pole."

[07alloyGT]

DOG DIARY

 

7:00 AM - Outside! My favorite thing!

8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

2:00 PM - Looked out the window and barked! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

4:00 PM - Chased a bird out of the tree! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 PM - Watched my people eat! My favorite thing!

6:20 PM - Table scraps! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

 

CAT DIARY

 

Day 983 of my captivity.

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

 

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

 

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

 

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

 

 

The dog continues to receive special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

[RUFDRAFT]

Subject: Why men have better friends

 

 

 

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. When the man called his wife's 10 best friends, none of them knew anything about it.

 

 

 

Friendship between men: A man doesn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirm he had slept over and 2 said that he was still there.

 

It's a Man Law thing.

[BlackBeauty]

DOG DIARY

 

7:00 AM - Outside! My favorite thing!

8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

2:00 PM - Looked out the window and barked! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

4:00 PM - Chased a bird out of the tree! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 PM - Watched my people eat! My favorite thing!

6:20 PM - Table scraps! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

 

CAT DIARY

 

Day 983 of my captivity.

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

 

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

 

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

 

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

 

 

The dog continues to receive special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

 

 

 

[Son of GT]

We all know what happened to Roy of "Ziegfield & Roy" right? The Las Vegas magicians who used white tigers in their act up until one of the tigers decided they it had enough of show business and took it out on Roy on stage one night?

 

Well not too many people know this, but do you know the first thing that Roy said when he woke up in the hosipital?

 

TA-DA!

 

Do you know what the tiger said back stage right after the incident?

 

TASTES GRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAT!

[BlackBeauty]

IRISH BLONDE

 

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

 

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY ~

Not all Irish are stupid..

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are men.

[SexyStang]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help......

 

A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store......

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly..... After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.......

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

 

'No,' the woman replied..... 'Divorce attorney.......'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or she could have been a wife "whipper"......

[68fastback]

Smart little girl!

 

A stranger was seated next to

 

a little girl on the airplane

 

when the stranger turned to her

 

and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard

 

that flights go quicker if you

 

strike up a conversation

 

with your fellow passenger.'

 

The little girl, who had just opened

 

her book, closed it slowly and

said to the stranger,

 

'What would you like to talk about?'

 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about

nuclear power?'

 

and he smiles.

 

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.

But let me

 

ask you a question first.

 

A horse, a cow, and a deer all

 

eat the same stuff - grass.

 

Yet a deer excretes little pellets,

 

while a cow turns out a flat patty,

 

and a horse produces clumps

 

of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?'

 

The stranger, visibly surprised

 

by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says,

 

'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

 

To which the little girl replies,

 

'Do you really feel qualified

 

to discuss nuclear power

 

when you don't know sh*t?

[BlackBeauty]

Smart little girl!

 

A stranger was seated next to

 

a little girl on the airplane

 

when the stranger turned to her

 

and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard

 

that flights go quicker if you

 

strike up a conversation

 

with your fellow passenger.'

 

The little girl, who had just opened

 

her book, closed it slowly and

said to the stranger,

 

'What would you like to talk about?'

 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about

nuclear power?'

 

and he smiles.

 

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.

But let me

 

ask you a question first.

 

A horse, a cow, and a deer all

 

eat the same stuff - grass.

 

Yet a deer excretes little pellets,

 

while a cow turns out a flat patty,

 

and a horse produces clumps

 

of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?'

 

The stranger, visibly surprised

 

by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says,

 

'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

 

To which the little girl replies,

 

'Do you really feel qualified

 

to discuss nuclear power

 

when you don't know sh*t?

 

 

 

[twobjshelbys]

What you can do with your GI Joe figures.

 

 

[ShelbyDude]

What you can do with your GI Joe figures.

 

 

 

 

Hey! That looks like a picture my brother took!

[twobjshelbys]

Hey! That looks like a picture my brother took!

 

I'm waiting for carnut to photoshop it.

[Joe G]

I'm waiting for carnut to photoshop it.

Too late.

 

That's carnut IN the picture!!

[Guest markham51]

Too late.

 

That's carnut IN the picture!!

 

 

[68fastback]

 

...carnut is no mere mortal acorn-hoarder

 

 

[mustang_shelpy]

3 pregnant ladies were having lunch. A Redhead, a Brunette and a Blond. The Redhead spoke up and said "I'm having a boy" "how do you know that" the other two asked? "Well my husband and I concieved in the missionary postion. The Brunette said "well I 'm having a girl" and just how do you know that the other two asked? "Well, my husband and I concieved while I was on top" Just then the blond started crying and sobbing, Whats wrong asked the Brunette and Redhead? I'm having a Puppy" says the Blond

[fatboy]

Country Politics

 

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

 

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

 

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

 

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

 

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

 

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

 

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

[68fastback]

A classic.... one of my favorites:

 

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

 

;-)

[BlackBeauty]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall,

Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

 

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......

 

On one condition"

 

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....

 

 

 

"Clean my house."

[SexyStang]

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. 'Sir,' she said, 'you may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

 

 

He went in and did what he needed to do, and

 

as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not

 

to touch. Each button was identified by

 

letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would

 

know if he touched them?

 

 

 

He couldn't resist...he pushed WW. Warm water was

 

sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.

 

Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater

 

pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water,

 

gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP

 

button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent

 

of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom is more

 

than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure! When the powder puff completed its

 

pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew

 

would be supreme ecstasy.

 

 

 

Next thing he knew, he was in a hospital and, as soon as he opened

 

his eyes, saw a nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her

 

face. 'What happened?' he exclaimed. 'You pushed one too many

 

buttons,' replied the nurse. 'The last button marked ATR was an

 

Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

 

 

MEN NEVER LISTEN....

 

 

 

 

[CH53Driver]

How do you save a drowning car salesman?

Take your foot off his head!

[mustang_shelpy]

How do you save a drowning car salesman?

Take your foot off his head!

[mustang_shelpy]

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

 

Here is the exchange :

 

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

 

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 

Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

 

Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

 

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

 

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

 

Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

 

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

 

Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

 

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

 

 

Supervisor gets on the phone:

 

Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

 

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

 

Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

 

Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

 

Family Member : 'No, I'm h er great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

 

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

 

Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

 

 

 

After they get the fax :

 

Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

 

Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

 

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)

 

Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'

 

Citibank : 'That might help.'

 

Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

 

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

 

Family Member : 'And what else do you do with dead people on your planet???

[DDT]

A guy walks into the local bar and asks the Bartender for a Beer;

 

Looks in his pocket and asks for another Beer;

Looks in his pocket and asks for another Beer;

Looks in his pocket and asks for another Beer;

Looks in his pocket and asks for another Beer;

Looks in his pocket and asks for another Beer;

 

Looks in his pocket and asks for another Beer but the Bartender asks;

 

"YOU GOT ANY MONEY IN THAT POCKET TO PAY FOR THE FIRST SIX"???????????

 

The guy replies;

 

"No, it's a picture of my wife";

"When she starts looking good, I know I am done"....................................

[Boss Doctor]

I'll try to be clean:

 

A cowboy riding down a trail comes across an indian sitting with his loincloth up exposing his totem pole. The cowboy asks, "Jus wut do ya think yer do'n?"

 

The indian replies, "Me tell'um time."

 

Taken aback the cowboy says, "Oh really! Wut time is it?" to which the indian looks down at his totem pole and replies, "10 o'clock."

 

The cowboy checks his watch and is amazed that the indian is correct. He rides for an hour down the trail when he comes to another indian doing the same thing. The cowboy asks, "An jus wut do ya think yer do'n?"

 

The indian replies, "Me tell'um time."

 

Again, taken aback the cowboy says, "Oh really! Wut time is it?" to which the indian looks down at his totem pole and replies, "11 o'clock."

 

Again, the cowboy checks his watch to find that this indian is accurate too. Amazed, he rides away wondering how the indians tell time like that. He rides another hour down the trail when he comes across an indian sitting on the trail with his loin cloth up, but jerking his totem pole with vigor. The cowboy asks, "An jus wut in hell do ya think yer do'n?'

 

The indian looks up and replies, "Me rewind'um watch!"

[rpretzel]

How do you save a drowning car salesman?

Take your foot off his head!

 

How do you save a drowning lawyer?

 

Don't know. No one has ever tried.

[BlackBeauty]

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

 

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

 

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

 

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?")

 

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

 

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

 

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

 

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

 

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

 

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment."

 

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think