Jokes

[interceptor]

ok you may need to be from ny to appreciate this one but, how do you slow down a hooker? put a govenor on her!

[RUFDRAFT]

If you really want to prove the fact that "dog is man's best friend", simply lock-up your dog and wife into the trunk of your car for about an hour and see who is really happy to see you when you open the trunk.

That there is funny!

[Michael Morris]

If big breasted girls work at Hooters, where do ONE legged girls work??

 

 

 

 

IHOP

 

 

 

michael morris

[RUFDRAFT]

Keep the day job.

[07alloyGT]

Supposedly the following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

 

This year's term was Political Correctness.

 

The winner wrote: "Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

[RUFDRAFT]

[BlackBeauty]

Supposedly the following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

 

This year's term was Political Correctness.

 

The winner wrote: "Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

 

 

 

 

INDEED.

 

 

[DDT]

Supposedly the following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

 

This year's term was Political Correctness.

 

The winner wrote: "Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

 

 

"NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU POLISH A TURD IT IS STILL A TURD"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DDT]

Words of wisdom;

 

"NO MAN IS RICH ENOUGH TO BUY BACK HIS PAST"

[RUFDRAFT]

 

"NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU POLISH A TURD IT IS STILL A TURD"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence! I keel you!

[DDT]

Silence! I keel you!

 

"Be careful who you pick on"

[DDT]

"LIFE SENTANCE"

 

A lady woke up during the night and saw that her husband was not in bed

beside her. So, the woman searched around the house looking for him and

found him sitting at the kitchen table staring into a cup of coffee. He was

deep in thaught. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

 

"Whats the matter dear, why are you down here at this time of nite", she asked?

 

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16", he asked?

 

"Yes I do", she replied.

 

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car", he asked?

 

"Yes I remember", she replied.

 

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said";

"Either you marry my daughter or spend 20 years in in jail", he asked?

 

"Yes I do", she replied.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said;

"YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT TODAY" ...........................

[07alloyGT]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

 

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

 

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

 

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

 

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

 

And wit h that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

 

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

 

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

 

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning..... Today you voted.

[RUFDRAFT]

"Be careful who you pick on"

What?

[07alloyGT]

What?

You may need to school him.

[RUFDRAFT]

Okay. Here ya go.

The_Rufstang.doc

The_Rufstang.doc

[sharabi]

Grandpa like always to do it in the outhouse even if it is a modern house ...he is used to have BM there since he was a kid...so when his grandson moved to Nevada..they decided to build an outhouse just for grandpa..well ....low maintenance one site was over a crater from the sixties nuclear experiments in the desert..was too deep to require maintenance and would please grandpa when he visits.

 

On one of these visits to his grandson.... grandpa decided to use the outhouse...well he never came back...unfortunately when they looked for him they found him dead...he passed away sitting on the seat..but they noticed that his face was blue.

 

Grandma asked what so special about that outhouse, and why it is so far from her grandson's house...he explained that it is built on that huge crater from an old nuclear experimental site from sixties.

 

Grandma slaps her forehead...grandson asks why?

 

She said...grandpa always likes to hold his breath until he hears the first one hits the bottom.

[grabber4me]

My 4yo granddaughter told me this one;;

 

 

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in tide??

 

 

Because it's too cold out tide!!!!!!

[svttim]

This is an old one but kinda cute

 

Ole and Lena’s 25th anniversary is coming up soon and Ole wants to get something very special for Lena. So, he is searching around some of Lena’s girly magazines when he spots the perfect thing. A full page add on the pleasures of a milk bath. Ole thinks, perfect gift so, he heads down to the co-op and speaks with Lars.

 

Lars, I vant to do somthin special for da Lena ya der hey and I found dis advertisement for da milk bath. Can ya comes out and deliver da milk in the tub for me? Lars, never having done this before thinks for a minute, says, ya I can deliver da milf for ya Ole, do yuse want it pasteurized?

 

To which Ole replies, oh, no, just above her tities!

[DDT]

"NEVER TOO OLD"

 

An older man in his 50s (we will call him "Jim")....

 

Well Jim had been Married for over 25 years and had been an active Hot Rodder in his younger

years before he was Married and had 3 kids. He loved his kids very much and is a good father

but seemed to be at a disagreement most of the time with his wife as it seemed that she was

"wearing the pants" as head of the house and finances. Jim gave up his hobby of Hot Rodding

for his family as his wife was "DEAD SET AGAINST IT".

 

Jims 3 young girls grew up and finished College and moved out starting promising careers.

Sad thing is Jim had known his wife was cheating on him with a State Trooper for over a

year but did not want to upset his daughters while they were still living at home.

 

Sadly Jims devorce was finalized soon after his 3 daughters moved out.

 

Good thing is now with alot of free time and nobody to answer to, Jim decided to purchase the

hottest selling new Ford Shelby GT500 Torch Red Coupe (of course). And bring back some of

his "GLORY YEARS" as a Hot Rodder. Well Jim was savvy enough to strike a deal on the car

he wanted and Happily drove off the dealer lot and could not believe the performance of this

brand new modern day Hot Rod. His Glory days comming back to mind he cranked it up on the

open Highway with excitement he had not felt since 22 years old which was the last time he was

pulled over by the police.

 

With open road on a nice warm sunny day Jim had it cranked up over 100 mph. Suddenly

he noticed in the horizon of his rear view mirror a State Trooper slowly closing in on him.

 

Jim thaught "I CAN BEAT THIS GUY". So he cranked it up to 120 then 140 and no Trooper

in sight.

 

But Jims sanity got the best of him as he thaught "I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS" and decided to

pull over. A good few minutes had passed and the State Trooper finally pulled in behind him.

braught back memories as Jim thaught "MAN I AM SO BUSTED".

 

Jim was polite and had his liscence and Dealer Registration ready for the Officer.

But the Officer only took Jims driver liscence and seemed to be really impressed with Jims new

car. The Officer went back to the patrol car and when he returned he scolded Jim and said,

"I SHOULD HALL YOUR ASS IN AND IMPOUND YOUR NEW CAR FOR THIS STUNT" but I am at

the end of my shift and have an appointment. So mister HOT ROD; If you can tell me a good

excuse for this one that I have not heard before, I will let you go.............

 

Jim pondered a few seconds and said, "Well Officer, my wife recently left me for a State Trooper",

 

"AND I THAUGHT YOU WERE HIM TRYING TO BRING HER BACK"?????????????

 

The Officer then started BUSTING OUT LAUGHTER, gave Jim his liscense back and said,

 

"THANK YOU AND PLEASE DRIVE CAREFUL HOT ROD"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[shelbydream1]

Since today was opening day of baseball season:

 

 

President Bush and Laura attended a Washington National's game. The club's GM approached the secret service and after a short conversation, the agent in charge leaned down and whispered into the president's ear. He promptly stood up, grabbed Laura by the collar and the belt and pitched her out of their box and onto the playing field. The agent in charge looked at the President, shook his head and said, "Mr. President, I said first PITCH."

[Joe G]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

 

The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

 

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

 

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

 

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

 

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

 

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'

[07alloyGT]

[Guest markham51]

First Time:

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

 

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

[SexyStang]

This is hysterical but can be sadly true....

 

 

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

 

 

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

 

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

 

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

 

 

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 

 

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

[mywickedshelby]

another happy marriage!

 

 

sorry bro....didnt mean any harm by making light of your plight!

[SVT-GT500]

[KCMO-GT500]

This is hysterical but can be sadly true....

 

 

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

 

 

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

 

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

 

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

 

 

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 

 

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

 

 

that was great!!!!!

[BlackBeauty]

:

that was great!!!!!

 

 

 

[BlackBeauty]

Subject: Why men have better friends

 

 

 

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. When the man called his wife's 10 best friends, none of them knew anything about it.

 

 

 

Friendship between men: A man doesn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirm he had slept over and 2 said that he was still there.