Jokes

[Joe G]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

 

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in

real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

 

The woman shakes her head no.

 

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

 

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar.

 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Alloy Dave]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

 

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in

real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

 

The woman shakes her head no.

 

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

 

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar.

 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[68fastback]

Sim animation done to Ray Steven's classic: I'm My Own Grandpa ...a.k.a. a lesson in the workings of the red neck family tree.

 

Listen carfully and pay attention -- they'll be a test at the end

[07alloyGT]

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

 

 

1. When you are sad --

I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard, or bitch, who made you sad.

2. When you are blue --

I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile --

I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared --

I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried --

I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be... until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused --

I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --

Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall --

I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

[68fastback]

POLITICAL SCIENCE LESSON

 

(not intending to offend anyone, but probably will )

 

 

 

REPUBLICAN

 

You have two cows.

 

Your neighbor has none.

 

So what?

 

If they need help I'm here for them.

 

Life is good.

 

 

 

DEMOCRAT

 

You have two cows.

 

Your neighbor has none.

 

You feel guilty for being successful.

 

The guilt doesn't last long because you adopt low-impact grazing practices.

 

Barbara Streisand sings for you.

 

Life is good.

 

 

 

SOCIALIST

 

You have two cows.

 

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

 

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

 

Now you both hate the government.

 

 

 

COMMUNIST

 

You have two cows.

 

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

 

You wait in line for hours to get it.

 

It is expensive and sour.

 

You ALL hate the government.

 

 

 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

 

You have two cows.

 

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

Life is good.

 

 

 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

 

You have two cows.

 

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the

other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

 

You hate beaurocrats.

 

 

 

AMERICAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

 

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised

when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating

you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

 

Your stock goes up.

 

Life is good.

 

 

 

FRENCH CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You go on strike because you want three cows.

 

You go to lunch and drink wine.

 

Life is good.

 

 

 

JAPANESE CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and

produce twice the milk.

 

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

 

Most are at the top of their class at Bovine U.

 

 

 

GERMAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent

quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

 

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and must have access to sunshine every day.

 

 

 

ITALIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

 

While ambling around looking for them, you see a beautiful woman.

 

You both break for lunch.

 

Life is good.

 

 

 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You have some vodka.

 

You count them and learn you have five cows.

 

You have some more vodka.

 

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

 

The Russian Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

 

 

 

AFGHAN CORPORATION

 

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two.

 

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

 

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives

to milk production but use the money to grow more cocaine poppys and buy weapons.

 

Which you can trade for all the milk you need.

 

 

 

IRAQI CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

They go into hiding.

 

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

 

You're never really sure if they're your cows.

 

 

 

POLISH CORPORATION

 

You have two bulls.

 

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

 

Life is good.

 

 

 

BELGIAN CORPORATION

 

You have one cow.

 

The cow is schizophrenic.

 

Sometimes the cow thinks it's French, other times it's Flemish.

 

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

 

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

 

The cow asks permission to be cut in half -- and dies happy.

 

 

 

FLORIDA CORPORATION

 

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

 

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

 

Some of the people who actually like the brown one accidentally vote for the black one.

 

Some people vote for both.

 

Some people vote for neither.

 

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

 

 

 

CALIFORNIA

CORPORATION

 

You have millions of cows.

 

They make real California cheese.

 

It's not as good as Vermont and New York cheese but happy-cow advertising convinces everyone it is.

 

Only five speak English, most are illegals.

 

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

 

 

 

MEXICAN

CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

They like to wander across the US border.

 

You rent them as guide cows to illegals under the guise of retrieving them.

 

They bring back Oreo cookies in exchange

 

NAFTA is good.

[68fastback]

THE PSYCHIATRIST & THE PROCTOLOGIST

 

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."

 

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

 

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and Colonics."

 

No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

 

Thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds."

 

Still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

 

Unacceptable again. So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

 

No way. "Nuts and Butts?"

 

No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?"

 

Still no go. "Loons and Moons?"

 

Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with something everyone could agree with

:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

 

And so it was.

 

[BlackBeauty]

THE PSYCHIATRIST & THE PROCTOLOGIST

 

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."

 

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

 

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and Colonics."

 

No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

 

Thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds."

 

Still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

 

Unacceptable again. So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

 

No way. "Nuts and Butts?"

 

No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?"

 

Still no go. "Loons and Moons?"

 

Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with something everyone could agree with

:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

 

And so it was.

 

 

 

[SexyStang]

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always

made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old

granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some

bonding time.

 

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and

really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his

wife came to the rescue and said that she would take

their granddaughter out. When they returned, the

little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her

grandfather.

 

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

 

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know

what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy

shithead!"

 

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it....

[07alloyGT]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was

topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist

do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he

announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here

to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the

audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on

this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for

six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while

quietly chanting. "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ".

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the

swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Hypnotist's fingers and

fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

"S#!T", said the Hypnotist.

 

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center

[STLShelby]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous

pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a

dust cloud towards him.

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan

sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I

tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will

you give me a calf?"

 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully

grazing herd and calmly answers;

"Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook

computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cellphone, and surfs to a

NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an

exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite

that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and

exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within

mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has

been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL

database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his

Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and

says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused

as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly

what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why

not?"

 

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required", answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even

though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already

knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much

smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows...this

is a herd of sheep.

 

Now give me back my dog....

[MMcGuirk]

After robbing the teller, the gunman turns to the next person in lne and says -

 

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

 

"Yes, I did" replys the guy

 

The gunman shoots him dead.

 

He then turns to the next couple in line and asks -

 

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

 

The man replys " No I did not, but my wife did"

[SexyStang]

OLD CLASSMATES

 

 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND

 

THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

 

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY

 

FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,

 

WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,

 

DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS

 

SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET

 

CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

 

 

 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS

 

BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY

 

TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

 

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK

 

HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG, :happy feet: ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

 

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

 

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

 

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT

 

ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[rpretzel]

POLITICAL SCIENCE LESSON

 

(not intending to offend anyone, but probably will )

 

 

 

REPUBLICAN

 

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So what?

If they need help I'm here for them.

Life is good.

 

 

 

DEMOCRAT

 

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

The guilt doesn't last long because you adopt low-impact grazing practices.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Life is good.

 

 

HILLARY CLINTON

 

You have two cows

Your poor neighbor has none

Hillary takes your two cows and gives them to you poor neighbor

The poor neighbor trades the cows for some crack

No one has any cows...but you all have health coverage

[Joe G]

HILLARY CLINTON

 

You have two cows

Your poor neighbor has none

Hillary takes your two cows and gives them to you poor neighbor

The poor neighbor trades the cows for some crack

No one has any cows...but you all have health coverage

 

[Joe G]

[SnakeEater]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[07alloyGT]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many

others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and

among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to

support more government programs; in other words, redistribution of wealth.

 

She was deeply ashamed her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling

she openly expressed. Based on the lectures she had participated in, and the

occasional chat with her professors, she felt her father had for years

harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

 

One day, she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes

and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity

proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth, and she indicated so to

her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

 

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let

him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very

difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to

go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a

boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends either because she

spent all her time studying.

 

Her father listened, then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

 

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes,

she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on

campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties,

and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too

hung over ."

 

Her father asked her, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to

deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend Audrey, who only has a

2.0? That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA. Certainly that would be a fair

and equal distribution of GPA, no?"

 

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired

back, "That's a crazy idea! How would that be fair? I've worked really hard

for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work. And

she's done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my

tail off!"

 

The father slowly smiled, winked, and said gently, "Welcome to the

Republican Party."

[Joe G]

The father slowly smiled, winked, and said gently, "Welcome to the

Republican Party."

[07alloyGT]

[rpretzel]

I seem to have struck a nerve. Excellent.

 

[SNAKE08]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went to a bar in the desert to celebrate after rounding up some criminals. It was so hot out, that the Lone Ranger said "We need to keep the horses cool. Tonto, you stay out here and keep them cool." Tonto asked "How Tonto do that?" Lone Ranger said "Just run around the horses in circles...that will create a draft and keep air flowing around them. I"ll get a couple beers to go and we'll be on our way."

 

So the Lone Ranger goes inside, but as he starts to order the beers a guy offers to buy him a round for fighting the bad guys. Of course he can't refuse, so he sits down and drinks it. Then another guy buys a second round....and then a third. Before you know it, the Lone Ranger had forgotton all about Tonto being outside.

 

Then a guy comes in to the bar and stops at the door and says "Hey, who owns the two horses out front?". The Lone Ranger, suddenly shocked into remembering, says "Oh, that would be me." The man says "You left your injun runnin."

 

 

Dave

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when all of a sudden they are surrounded by Indians.

 

The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto and says, Tonto it looks like we are in deep sh now.

 

Tonto turns to the Lone Ranger and says what's this we sh pale face.

[WP64]

HOME DEPOT FOR WOMEN

 

Andy was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,

so he sent his wife Bev to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Bev saw a

beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager,

to finish waiting on a customer.

;

When Walt was finished, Bev asked 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Bev exclaimed. Then

she proceeded to describe the hinge that Andy had sent her to

buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

 

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Bev replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

 

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[68fastback]

An Atheist in the Woods.....

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees'!

'What powerful rivers'!

'What beautiful animals'!

He said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the

bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear

charge towards him.

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &

saw that the bear was closing in on him.

 

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He

tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but

saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his

left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't

exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me

to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical

of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps

you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

 

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear

dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &

spoke:

 

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty

through Christ our Lord,

Amen.'

[BlackBeauty]

Bubba got shingles...

 

 

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

 

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

 

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

 

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[RUFDRAFT]

Bubba got shingles...

 

 

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

 

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

 

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

 

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[BlackBeauty]

**A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly

Gates, He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.**

 

**He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

 

**St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.

 

Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."

 

**"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

 

**"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never Moved,

 

indicating that she never told a lie."

 

**"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

 

**St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have

Moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire Life."

 

**"Where's Hillary , Obama, and McCain's clocks ?" asked the man.**

 

**" Their clocks are in Jesus's office. He's using them as a ceiling fan."

[07alloyGT]

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

 

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

 

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

 

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

 

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

 

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

 

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

 

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

 

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[mustang_shelpy]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

 

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

 

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

 

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[DDT]

"ESTATE PLANNING"

 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided

he needed a wife to share his fortune with.

 

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man", he said to her,

"but it will be soon my father will die and I will inherit 20MILLION DOLLARS".

 

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his step mother.

 

Got this one from my wife; She believes women are better Financial Planners.........

[07TungGT500Cpe]

If you really want to prove the fact that "dog is man's best friend", simply lock-up your dog and wife into the trunk of your car for about an hour and see who is really happy to see you when you open the trunk.