Jokes

[ShelbyDude]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

 

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

 

 

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

 

 

Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot sh*t, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[RUFDRAFT]

Celery is gay.

[RUFDRAFT]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

 

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

 

 

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

 

 

Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot sh*t, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Keep the day job.

[RUFDRAFT]

Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

Have you really thought about this? We might have a woman president? I mean really. Has someone put Acid in my coffee? A woman with her finger on the Button?

[timack]

Two boys (4 and 5) are getting ready for breakfast. 5 year old says "It's time we started cussing like dad around here. When we get to the kitchen, I'll use 'damn' and you use 'ass'."

4 year old says "Mom will get mad, you sure about this?"

"Just be cool, follow my lead," says the elder...

 

In the kitchen mom asks older brother what he wants for breakfast...

"I'll have some damn Cheerios."

"What did you say?!" asks mom.

"I'll have some damn Cheerios, please."

 

She slaps him, says she'll see him in the bathroom with a bar of soap...and asks the 4 year old what he wants...

 

"Well, you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!"

[68fastback]

Ya know...

 

I was so depressed last night that I called Lifeline.

 

I got a call center in Pakistan.

 

I told them I was suicidal.

 

They got all excited...

 

...and asked if I knew how to drive a truck!

 

bada-bing

[Alloy Dave]

Have you really thought about this? We might have a woman president? I mean really. Has someone put Acid in my coffee? A woman with her finger on the Button?

I have no issues with a woman being President....but not THAT woman.

[Alloy Dave]

Ya know...

 

I was so depressed last night that I called Lifeline.

 

I got a call center in Pakistan.

 

I told them I was suicidal.

 

They got all excited...

 

...and asked if I knew how to drive a truck!

 

bada-bing

BONG!!!

 

What do you get when you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic agnostic?

 

 

Answer: Someone who stays up all night wondering whether there really is a dog.

[Alloy Dave]

Ok...this one is difficult to tell with words, but I'll try.....

 

A cruise ship has a problem and starts to sink. The passengers didn't have time to get in the escape boats, so it was a hectic hour while the ship sank. Most people died, but one man was able to make it to a nearby deserted island. He was exhausted from swimming...and the heat was unbearable, but there he sat, leaning up against a palm tree...the only thing in sight to provide shade from the hot sun.

 

About an hour later, he noticed some people swimming towards him in the lagoon. After running to meet them, he noticed it was a man and woman, and he later learned they were husband and wife. The wife was particularly stunning, with flowing blonde hair and an athletic body. The water had caused her clothes to become skin tight, and the man was quite taken with her.

 

After sitting for a few minutes and introducing each other, the first man says to the couple....

 

"Well, our only chance to get off this island is to watch for rescue planes and build a fire if we see one. Our best way to do that is to take shifts climbing up this 30' palm tree and being on lookout. We'll do this in 6 hour shifts so that we always have coverage. I'll be glad to go first." So he shimmies up the tree.

 

About an hour later, as the married couple were sitting below simply leaning against the tree and resting, the man above parts the palm leaves and yells down .... "HEY, stop fu ing down there!!" The bewildered couple looked at each other and said "what in the world is he talking about, we're just sitting here resting."

 

An hour later, the man above again parts the leaves, looks down, and yells "HEY, stop fu ing down there!!" Again, the couple were puzzled, as they were simply resting against the tree trunk.

 

This pattern continued about every hour for the entire 6 hour shift. Then the man scurried down the tree and suggested to the husband that it was his turn to watch. So the husband shimmied up the tree and sat. After about an hour, he got bored, so he decided to part the leaves and look down below. As he did, he took one look at his wife and the strange man below and said to himself......

 

 

"Geez, that DOES look like fu ing down there."

 

[Joe G]

(cut and copied from an email)

 

 

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

 

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

 

 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

 

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over

the coffee table and farted.

 

 

[Secondo]

Speaking of Girls/Boys night out:

MEN'S APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

 

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

 

Time of return:

Date:

Time of departure:

NOT to exceed:

 

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my cell after two drinks, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

 

Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

 

Location: From: To:

 

Location: From: To:

 

Location: From: To:

 

Locations to be visited:

 

Females with whom conversation is permitted:

 

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

 

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it's not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in-depth discussions with said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

 

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

 

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

 

 

Request is: (circle one) APPROVED DENIED

 

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

 

 

Date:

 

Time of departure:

 

Time of return:

 

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

 

[Secondo]

WOMEN'S APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS

 

 

Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:

 

 

I'm going out.

 

Signed: (me) _____________________________

[Secondo]

LMAO HILARIOUS!!!!!!

[SexyStang]

Speaking of Girls/Boys night out:

MEN'S APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

 

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

 

Time of return:

Date:

Time of departure:

NOT to exceed:

 

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my cell after two drinks, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

 

Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

 

Location: From: To:

 

Location: From: To:

 

Location: From: To:

 

Locations to be visited:

 

Females with whom conversation is permitted:

 

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

 

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it's not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in-depth discussions with said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

 

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

 

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

 

 

Request is: (circle one) APPROVED DENIED

 

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

 

 

Date:

 

Time of departure:

 

Time of return:

 

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

 

 

 

 

 

I've seen this before and have kept it for future use if need be, so do you have your sharpie ready???

 

 

[Secondo]

 

 

I've seen this before and have kept it for future use if need be, so do you have your sharpie ready???

 

 

I don't know what you are talking about. ?

[SexyStang]

I don't know what you are talking about. ?

 

 

Oh Brother!! :rolleyes:

 

 

 

[BlackBeauty]

Phone Repair

 

 

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

 

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

 

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

 

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

 

A repairman arrived within the hour!

[hotrodric]

Graveside Service

 

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area and I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still

eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory'!

I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. ;

 

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,

 

'I ain't never seen anything like that before and

I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'

[SexyStang]

NEVER SAY TO A COP!!

 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are Yo u And y or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

 

 

 

[RUFDRAFT]

Would you please change your sig pic? Thank you. Perhaps one of just your CAR?

[SexyStang]

Would you please change your sig pic? Thank you. Perhaps one of just your CAR?

 

 

NO!!! And since you like it so much I am going to add another one right beside it...... :happy feet:

 

 

:tease: This dude is hysterical

[Alloy Dave]

NEVER SAY TO A COP!!

 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are Yo u And y or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

 

 

 

13. I was BOTM last year.

 

[SexyStang]

13. I was BOTM last year.

 

 

Good One........

 

 

 

 

But is was THIS YEAR..............

 

 

As a matter of fact thanks for reminding me February 1st is Friday........ :happy feet:

[07alloyGT]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin

is planning to do its own, entitled:

 

"Survivor - Wisconsin Style"

 

The contestants will start in Milwaukee: travel up to

Sheboygan and on over to Manitowoc and Green Bay.

Then they will head over to Wausau and up to

Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will

proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down

through Rice Lake, Eau Claire and all the way down to

Madison and back over to Milwaukee.

 

Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with

Illinois license plates and a large bumper sticker

that reads: Brett Favre is Gay! I'm a vegetarian.

Bratwurst clogs your arteries. The Green Bay Packers

suck! Go Bears! Cheese is high in cholesterol.

Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder and I'm here

to confiscate your guns.

 

The first one to make it back to Milwaukee alive WINS!

[RUFDRAFT]

Ouch. Eh?

[07TungGT500Cpe]

A man goes to his doctor's appointment with his urologist. In the examining room he tells the doctor, "Promise you won't laugh."

 

"Of course I won't laugh," says the doctor and continues, "I'm a professional, and in more than twenty years I assure you I have never laughed or even thought of laughing at a patient. Now what seems to be the problem?"

 

"Okay then," says the man and proceeds to lower his trousers, revealing the tiniest "member" that the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

 

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then started laughing and continued to the floor laughing hysterically holding on to his sides. Ten minutes later the doctor was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

 

"I'm so sorry," says the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemean, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

 

"It's swollen," the man replied.

[07alloyGT]

 

[Alloy Dave]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows

Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------- --------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

Build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

-------------------------------------------- - ----------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[SexyStang]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows

Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------- --------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

Build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

-------------------------------------------- - ----------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Joe G]

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

 

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

 

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

 

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

 

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

 

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

 

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on.