Jokes

[68fastback]

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).

 

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

 

2. Remove your laptop.

 

3. Start up

 

4. Make sure the guy, who is annoying you, can see the screen.

 

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

 

6. Then hit this link: http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

 

That's a great way meet folks in uniforms too

[68fastback]

This is last years Darwin Awards, but still funny...

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

 

Here is the glorious winner:

 

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

 

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

 

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

 

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

 

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. (I saw the video on the evening news!- hilarious!)

 

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. The thief then said, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

 

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the

man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

 

**A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER**

 

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[Alloy Dave]

Next time, I expect a full rack... hickory smoked, heavy on the dry rub, light on the sauce. Chop chop!!

Want some diet lemonade?

[Joe G]

Want some diet lemonade?

Or some Starbucks! :happy feet:

[07alloyGT]

On holiday in Europe, Bert noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden pay phone on it. As a young priest passed by Bert asked about the telephone. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven and if he'd like to call it would be a thousand dollars. Bert was amazed but declined the offer.

 

Throughout Europe Bert kept seeing the same golden pay phone on a marble column. Each time he asked about it and the answer was always the same: A direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars.

 

Bert finished his tour in Ireland. He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the same golden pay phone but this time underneath it there was a sign stating: DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN 25 cents.

 

There was a priest standing nearby and Bert asked about the phones. "Father," he said, "I have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited I've seen pay phones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"

The priest smiled and said, "Son, You're in Ireland now, it's only a local call."

[07alloyGT]

LETTERS THAT EVEN "DEAR ABBY" ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

 

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

 

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR?

 

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

 

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

 

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

 

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

 

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

 

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $150.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

 

Dear Abby,

I was married to Phil for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

 

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

 

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.

Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

[Alloy Dave]

Good one GT. Lebanese....

[Alloy Dave]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

 

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

 

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

 

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived

by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

Hope you're not having a crumby day and you kneaded a laugh.

 

P.S. Badboy should like this one with all the talk of dough.

 

Dave (copied/pasted)

[Alloy Dave]

A husband died and went to heaven. When he arrived, he noticed two lines of men. One line was miles long, the other only had one man in it. Each line had a sign above it. Above the long line, the sign said "Stand here all men who were henpecked by their wives". Above the short line the sign read "Stand here all men who were NOT henpecked by their wives". The husband stood in the long line, as his wife was the worst henpecker in the world. But after an hour of standing there, he got to wondering about the lone soul in the other line. So he left his place in line and walked up to the man. He said... "Why are you the only one standing in this line". The man turned to him and said "Cause my wife told me to".

 

 

[68fastback]

 

bada-bing!

[SexyStang]

I thought this was a perfect time to post this joke since we are in the middle of Winter, well at least up here in the Northeast we are.

 

 

 

WINTER BLONDE:

 

 

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

 

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

 

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

 

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window!!

 

Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load!!"

 

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and after she lowers it, he says...............

 

 

"Hi my name is Kevin, It's winter in West Virginia and I'm driving THE SALT TRUCK!!!"

 

 

 

[BlackBeauty]

NOT SURE IF THIS IS A REPEAT:

 

MY NEXT LIFE

 

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first

day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and

you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,

and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury,

in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

[Alloy Dave]

NOT SURE IF THIS IS A REPEAT:

 

MY NEXT LIFE

 

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first

day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and

you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,

and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury,

in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

I dunno about that orgasm thing....but I like the sounds of the rest of it.

[Alloy Dave]

NOT SURE IF THIS IS A REPEAT:

 

MY NEXT LIFE

 

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first

day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and

you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,

and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury,

in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So brunettes have something to do on Saturday night.

[BlackBeauty]

I dunno about that orgasm thing....but I like the sounds of the rest of it.

 

 

What you don't like orgasms -

[Alloy Dave]

What you don't like orgasms -

Having them....yes.

 

BEING them....

[SexyStang]

Having them....yes.

 

BEING them....

 

 

A man is a Walking Orgasm.....

 

 

 

 

 

On the other hand statistically only 30% of Women have them which is pretty sad......

[68fastback]

received this e-mail the other day... they walk among us ... the makings of a lot of blonde jokes are in here ;-)

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us

that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough

motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the

largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his

head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2

was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than

two..'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's takeout window and I

gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a

quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know,

but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and

went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so,

and he handed me back the quarter, and said we're sorry but they could

not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back

$1 and 75 cents in change.

 

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the

local township administrative office to request the removal of the

DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being

hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to

be crossing anymore.'

 

From Kingman , KS .

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked

the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was

sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee

asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your

knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how

would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,

'That's why we ask.'

 

Happened in Birmingham , Ala

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING :

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She

asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals

blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on

earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving

the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully,

'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was

spoken. We all just looked at each other with that

deer-in-the-headlights stare.

 

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself

and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would

not turn on.

 

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING :

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up

our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the

service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock

the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I

instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was

unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply,

'I know. I already got that side.'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

 

 

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... they REPRODUCE and, scariest of all, they VOTE!!!

[ati]

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,

"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

2 DOGS

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,

and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying

that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[SexyStang]

Nominated as the best short joke of the year:

>

>

>

>

 

> A three-year old boy was examining his testicles while taking a

> bath."Mom", he asked, "are these my brains.?"

>

>

>

> "Not yet," She replied.......... :rolleyes:

 

 

 

[Joe G]

Nominated as the best short joke of the year:

>

>

>

>

 

> A three-year old girl was examining her breasts while taking a

> bath."Mom", she asked, "are these my brains.?"

>

>

>

> "Not yet," She replied.......... :rolleyes:

 

 

 

[07alloyGT]

Tom retired in his early 50's and started a second career.

However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary

about how to deal with it. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the

office for a talk.

 

"Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,

but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your

fellow workers."

 

Tom replied, "Yes, sir, I know. I'm sorry, but I am working on it."

 

"That's what I like to hear," his boss said. "However, the fact that youconsistently

come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired

from the United States Air Force, and they have some pretty rigid rules about

tardiness. Isn't that correct?"

 

"Yes. I did retire from the Air Force, and I'm mighty proud of it!" said Tom.

 

"Well, what did they say when you came in late?" asked his boss.

 

"They said, 'Good morning, General'."

[68fastback]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and Help

me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over

the table.

 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns

To her and says,

 

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

 

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, .. . . . .

 

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box!"

[SexyStang]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and Help

me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over

the table.

 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns

To her and says,

 

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

 

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, .. . . . .

 

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box!"

 

 

Their Grrrrreat, oh wait that's Frosted Flakes......

[BlackBeauty]

At a job interview, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

 

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?

 

The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

 

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to hThe Best Blonde Joke Ever! ! !

 

er after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

 

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?

 

She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

 

 

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".

 

She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

 

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

 

The interviewer is stunned and asked the blonde "Ok, now tell me, how the heck did you arrive at this answer?"

 

To hear her response to the question "How many D's are in Indiana Jones?" click on this:

 

 

 

(if it doesn't work - it's the blonde singing the theme song to IJ -

[Secondo]

One of my favorites:

 

Math 1950-2006

 

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

 

 

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: ---------------------------------------------

 

1. Teaching Math In 1950

 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of

production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

2. Teaching Math In 1960

 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of

production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

3. Teaching Math In 1970

 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of

production is $80. Did he make a profit?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

4. Teaching Math In 1980

 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of

production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. Teaching Math In 2006

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

[68fastback]

 

good one, Secondo...

[68fastback]

Brunette Meets Genie

 

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

 

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

 

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

 

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

 

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

 

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

 

[BlackBeauty]

since I failed miserably with my other joke due to being a techno dummy, I am going to attempt another...

 

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

 

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

 

Hi Sue,

 

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

 

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

 

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

 

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

 

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

 

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

 

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

 

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

 

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

 

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

 

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived

at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

 

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as

I got in the chamber.

 

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

 

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

 

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

 

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

 

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[BlackBeauty]

Brunette Meets Genie

 

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

 

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

 

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

 

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

 

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

 

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

 

 

Soooooooooooooo bad but soooooo