Jokes

[ole1bus]

What did the one boob say to the other?

If we don't get some support soon people will think we are nuts.

[phillycrashmann]

A farmers donkey fell into an old abandoned well and started braying mornfully. The farmer, alerted by the noise, ran over, looked down the well and saw his donkey laying there on his side. He took a few minutes to think about the situation and finally decided to fill in the well, that the donkey was just too old to attempt to try to get him out.

 

Sadly, the farmer asked his neighbors to help him shovel dirt down the old well on top of the donkey and fill it up. The neighbors shoveled and shoveled while the farmer tried to block out the pitiful sounds of the donkey coming from the well. Suddenly there was silence and after a few more shovelfuls the farmer looked down into the well and saw an amazing sight.....the donkey was up and standing on the dirt pile that was thrown down. As the dirt pile got higher the donkey kept stepping up on the dirt and pretty soon, the pile of dirt was high enough for the donkey to jump out and trot away.

 

A little while later the donkey returned and ran up to the farmer and bit him badly several times. The wounds infected rapidly and the next day the farmer died.

 

And the moral of the story is...............

 

 

 

Anytime you try to cover your ass it will come back and bite you

[Alloy Dave]

Cut and pasted...no offense meant to any group of people. It's a joke. I'm a man (most of the time).

 

Fall Classes for Men at the

ADULT LEARNING CENTER

 

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Monday, Aug 30, 2007

 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CL ASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

 

 

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 h ours.

 

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

 

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

 

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing.

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

 

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

[Alloy Dave]

This is such a touching story I couldn't help but share it with all of you.

 

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.</ FONT>

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

 

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one o f Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[crispy23c]

Let me first premise this by saying that there are many intelligent blondes out there. I'm not one of either...

Here goes:

 

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

 

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

 

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

 

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

 

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

 

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

 

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

 

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

 

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

 

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

 

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

 

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

 

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

 

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

 

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

 

 

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

 

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

 

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?

A: To avoid the draft.

 

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

 

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

 

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

 

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?

A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

[Alloy Dave]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: Want coffee."

 

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up" He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

 

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other hand. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter. "Want coffee."

 

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

 

The Indian smiles and proudly says . . .

 

"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[Alloy Dave]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old Bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

 

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

 

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[KobraII]

One day, a father walked in on his son masturbating. He told his son, 'Son, if you don't quit masturbating, you'll go blind." The son simply replied, "Dad? I'm over here."

[mad103]

Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike.

 

They break down and start hitching a lift.

 

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees.

 

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

 

Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly-- "Mexican eggs".

 

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

 

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they've managed to steal a motorbike already".

 

 

 

 

PS. I love being Mex-I-Can

[500HP GT]

[RUFDRAFT]

[500HP GT]

[RUFDRAFT]

[mad103]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

 

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all

led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go

back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

 

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.

 

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

 

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

 

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

 

 

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

 

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't

ring a bell."

 

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

 

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and

says.

 

 

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by

1,400 men in 6 months."

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

[mad103]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"

he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

 

(scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"MY ROLEX!"

[500HP GT]

[mad103]

I am going to bump this one since it may have gotten lost/missed in the last page since i posted to back to back.

 

 

 

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

 

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all

led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go

back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

 

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.

 

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

 

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

 

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

 

 

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

 

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't

ring a bell."

 

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

 

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and

says.

 

 

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by

1,400 men in 6 months."

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

[500HP GT]

[carnut]

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new

Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs

him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

 

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to

him.

 

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind Of

car ya got there, sonny?"

 

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

 

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

 

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor

Proudly.

 

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

 

"No problem," replies the doctor.

 

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,

sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice Car,

all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

 

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the Old Man

just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the

speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view

mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what It could

 

be, and suddenly. WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

 

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be

going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the

accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him,

he sees that it's the o ld man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped

could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at

210Mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

 

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the Old

Man gaining on him AGAIN!

 

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes

the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the

 

Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's

 

nothing he can do!

 

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the

rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the Old Man

is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh!

Is there anything I can do for you?"

 

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your Side view Mirror".

[mad103]

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new

Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs

him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

 

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to

him.

 

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind Of

car ya got there, sonny?"

 

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

 

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

 

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor

Proudly.

 

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

 

"No problem," replies the doctor.

 

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,

sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice Car,

all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

 

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the Old Man

just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the

speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view

mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what It could

 

be, and suddenly. WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

 

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be

going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the

accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him,

he sees that it's the o ld man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped

could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at

210Mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

 

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the Old

Man gaining on him AGAIN!

 

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes

the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the

 

Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's

 

nothing he can do!

 

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the

rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the Old Man

is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh!

Is there anything I can do for you?"

 

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your Side view Mirror".

 

 

[Joe G]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

 

....

 

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

 

 

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your Side view Mirror".

So nut, did you have to get new suspenders??

 

[carnut]

 

So nut, did you have to get new suspenders??

 

and a matching pair of nut holders

[Alloy Dave]

Here's one for Dan.

 

Liability waiver: This is a joke. I did not write it. I copied and pasted from an email. It in no way expresses my beliefs about religion or the existence of Hell. If you are sensitive about such things, please do not read this. I think that about covers it.

 

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

 

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

 

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a sou l gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell i s expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure tha t H ell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[500HP GT]

[ati]

Quotes from some of our great philosophers

 

Have a laugh

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Lee Majors

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Al Gore

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Mike Tyson

 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

George Clooney

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Bill Clinton

 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

George W. Bush

 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Rudy Giuliani

 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Michael Jordan

 

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!

Donald Trump

 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Shaquille O’Neal

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Kobe Bryant

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

David Hasselhoff

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Alec Baldwin

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Barack Obama

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Tommy Lee

 

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Jimmy Kimmel

 

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”

David Letterman

 

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after...comes Suffer...ing!

Jay Leno

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Brad Pitt

 

 

 

THE END.

[500HP GT]

[Alloy Dave]

Willie Nelson:

 

"Do you know why divorce is so expensive? It's worth it."

Willie said recently he had been writing some new songs on the topic, including:

 

"I'm so lonely here without you, it's almost like having you here."

 

"I hate every bone in your body except mine."

Speaking of Willie Nelson....

 

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards?

 

The guy gets back his wife, his job, and his car.

 

[500HP GT]

Speaking of Willie Nelson....

 

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards?

 

The guy gets back his wife, his job, and his car.

 

 

 

[500HP GT]

[mad103]

Quotes from some of our great philosophers

 

Have a laugh

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Lee Majors

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Al Gore

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Mike Tyson

 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

George Clooney

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Bill Clinton

 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

George W. Bush

 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Rudy Giuliani

 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Michael Jordan

 

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!

Donald Trump

 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Shaquille O’Neal

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Kobe Bryant

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

David Hasselhoff

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Alec Baldwin

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Barack Obama

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Tommy Lee

 

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Jimmy Kimmel

 

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”

David Letterman

 

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after...comes Suffer...ing!

Jay Leno

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Brad Pitt

THE END.

 

 

HILARIOUS!!!!

 

 

 

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.

 

The children began to say:

 

" Red............cherry,"

 

"Yellow.........lemon,"

 

"Green..........lime,"

 

" Orange .......orange,"

 

Finally the teacher gave them all Honey Lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.

 

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

 

 

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"