Alloy Dave Posted September 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 ...and may the Schwartz be with you. Now THAT is funny. We had a Schwans guy (the one who delivers food in a truck) who used to say that after leaving us food...."May the Schwans be with you." I just shook my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 Now THAT is funny. We had a Schwans guy (the one who delivers food in a truck) who used to say that after leaving us food...."May the Schwans be with you." I just shook my head. we've got them around here too ("Luke, I am your supplier") I'm chuckling, Dave, ...because we could make that "may the schvantz* be with you" and it will have gone full circle from your original joke. <*schvantz [sic] is Yiddish for, well, I think you've got it ;-)> . An old joke... A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the way of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!" he tells them. One day, the wife of one of the tribes noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked! The chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women has given birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you've done!" The missionary tries to cover himself up by saying: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. Look into the field over yonder. You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this sometimes." The chief pauses a moment, and says, "Tell you what ...you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the kid." . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted September 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 The chief pauses a moment, and says, "Tell you what ...you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the kid." : :huh: That was a good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted September 10, 2006 Report Share Posted September 10, 2006 . Cowboy chasing down some strays out west in the 1880s rides over a hill and smack into three indians hearding sheep. Feeling a bit threatened and realizing, by their feathers, that one is a ranking leader, he rides up and says "my name is John, I've lost three animals." The indians freeze, look menacing, and say nothing. To ease the situation, the cowboy, an adept ventriloquist, askes the leader "That a beautiful sheep dog, do you mind if I talk to him?" to which the indian stoicly says "dog no talk." Having little to lose, the cowboy asks the dog "dog, is your keeper a good indian?" then throws his voice and the dog responds with "yes, he is a good and caring keeper; he cleans me when I've worked hard and feeds me well." The indians appear amazed so the cowboy asks if he might have a word with the indian leader's horse. The indian says sternly "horse no talk!" But, the cowboy sees no way but forward so asks the horse "horse, is your keeper a good indian?" to which the horse 'replies' "yes, he is; he grooms me well and puts me out in the field of good grasses every day and watters me in the mountain stream; he is a good indian." The indians now seem astounded and they are looking at each other incredulously, so the cowboy figures one more try ought to relax them enough for him to gather his missing animals and leave unharmed, so he asks if he might have a word with the sheep, to which the indian leader immediately replies "Sheep lie!" . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted September 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2006 Ok folks...I have a really good one coming at 10:30 Indiana time (40 minutes from now). It's a sound clip of a hilarious 911 call....check back shortly. Here you go. It's not a real call, but it sure sounds like it could be. Dave ambulance.wav ambulance.wav Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted September 23, 2006 Report Share Posted September 23, 2006 Ok folks...I have a really good one coming at 10:30 Indiana time (40 minutes from now). It's a sound clip of a hilarious 911 call....check back shortly. Here you go. It's not a real call, but it sure sounds like it could be. Dave That's funny, Dave. Must be 'love bites' . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted September 26, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 Happy Halloween to everyone! RUF...this is payback for that thong thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rpretzel Posted September 26, 2006 Report Share Posted September 26, 2006 Happy Halloween to everyone! RUF...this is payback for that thong thing. I just puked a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted September 27, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2006 I just puked a little. By the way, that pic is NOT of me. It's my wife. Just kidding (she's behind me giving me "the look"). Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ColdwaterHotrod Posted September 27, 2006 Report Share Posted September 27, 2006 Happy Halloween to everyone! RUF...this is payback for that thong thing. I've seen Candles & light bulbs used to light up Pumpkins, But never GAS powered Pumpkins that spew too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted September 27, 2006 Report Share Posted September 27, 2006 I've seen Candles & light bulbs used to light up Pumpkins, But never GAS powered Pumpkins that spew too Hey Coldwater... I see your avatar got updated in prep for arrival -- looks great! Good luck... Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carnut Posted September 27, 2006 Report Share Posted September 27, 2006 Happy Halloween to everyone! RUF...this is payback for that thong thing. I see you spared us the fluff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted October 10, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2006 A married man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he notices two lines of men waiting to get in. Each line had a sign over top of it. The first line said "Stand here all men who were henpecked by their wives". The line was hundreds of yards long, the man couldn't even see the end of the line. The second line had a sign that read "Stand here all men who were NOT henpecked by their wives". There was one lonely soul standing in that line. The man scratched his head for a minute, then decided to find out about this one lone soul. So he walked up to the man and said "Excuse me, can you tell me why you are standing here in this line when there are so many men in the other line?". And the man lowered his head and mumbled "Because my wife told me to stand here." Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted October 10, 2006 Report Share Posted October 10, 2006 A married man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he notices two lines of men waiting to get in. Each line had a sign over top of it. The first line said "Stand here all men who were henpecked by their wives". The line was hundreds of yards long, the man couldn't even see the end of the line. The second line had a sign that read "Stand here all men who were NOT henpecked by their wives". There was one lonely soul standing in that line. The man scratched his head for a minute, then decided to find out about this one lone soul. So he walked up to the man and said "Excuse me, can you tell me why you are standing here in this line when there are so many men in the other line?". And the man lowered his head and mumbled "Because my wife told me to stand here." Dave an honest man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted October 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2006 A police officer stops the RUFSTANG for speeding and asks RUF very nicely if he could see his license. He replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" Dave A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "That's impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed on her elbow and screamed in even more pain. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken" Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted October 12, 2006 Report Share Posted October 12, 2006 A police officer stops the RUFSTANG for speeding and asks RUF very nicely if he could see his license. He replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" Dave A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "That's impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed on her elbow and screamed in even more pain. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken" Dave That one did it, Dave! Laughed so hard I scared my wife! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted October 12, 2006 Report Share Posted October 12, 2006 Dave/Dan - I'm worried. Why - oh why - did I click on the pumpkin ass pic? My God. Y'all make me feel so...normal? whew. I'm using all these posts to prove to my wife I don't need additional therapy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted October 12, 2006 Report Share Posted October 12, 2006 Dave/Dan - I'm worried. Why - oh why - did I click on the pumpkin ass pic? My God. Y'all make me feel so...normal? whew. I'm using all these posts to prove to my wife I don't need additional therapy. Won't work unless she's blonde! <sorry> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted October 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2006 whew. I'm using all these posts to prove to my wife I don't need additional therapy. When you go to your next job interview, have a little fun. When they ask if you have any questions about the job, say "Yes, does your medical plan pay for mental therapy?" Reminds me of one of my favorite movies...Stripes. Remember at the beginning when they are in the recruiting office, and the guy is asking them questions and he says "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?", and Bill Murray says "Convicted?...no...never CONVICTED". Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prestige1 Posted October 13, 2006 Report Share Posted October 13, 2006 Two Amish woman are gardening one afternoon, they each take turns pulling carrots from the ground. Eventually the one amish woman gets a hold of a carrot and pulls with all her might. Finally the enormous carrot comes out of the ground and she looks at her friend said ''my lord this reminds me of Jacob" her friend replies ''that big''? ''No.... that dirty!!! :happy feet: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fordstuffreno Posted October 13, 2006 Report Share Posted October 13, 2006 When you go to your next job interview, have a little fun. When they ask if you have any questions about the job, say "Yes, does your medical plan pay for mental therapy?" Reminds me of one of my favorite movies...Stripes. Remember at the beginning when they are in the recruiting office, and the guy is asking them questions and he says "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?", and Bill Murray says "Convicted?...no...never CONVICTED". Dave Holy heiroglyphics Batman!!! Terry Dave, this was in a post you did recently, on who built you'r 5.4 I did not understand heiroglyphics, and was considering calling in the Rufster, to define. I held off at the time, because I got to thinking, Ruf might actually be Batman. He is in a different place, most of the time and I have observed other things that ad to this possibilty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JETSOLVER Posted October 13, 2006 Report Share Posted October 13, 2006 Any of you jokers know anything about this? truth IS funnier than fiction "Mr. Long, who was interviewed while he was still at the hospital, had a baseline heart rate of 84 through most of his interview with Trooper Hasty. When answering questions about whether he “conversed visually” with the girls, the trooper noted that Mr. Long’s heart rate exceeded 100." AND THIS:Bored?? see what happens when the boys aren't on a mission? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted October 13, 2006 Report Share Posted October 13, 2006 Quick, Robin - The Bat - er Ruf signal is in the sky. To the Ruf cave! I tell my students in my business writing classes how to respond to the little box on a job application that asks, "Salary Expected" by writing in "Yes." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted October 14, 2006 Report Share Posted October 14, 2006 This is why 17 year old girls should not own bras -- very dangerous Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted October 16, 2006 Report Share Posted October 16, 2006 This isn't a joke, just some amazing entertainment: Juggling to Music -- cool! . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted October 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2006 This isn't a joke, just some amazing entertainment: Juggling to Music -- cool! . Wow, that was good. Sometimes I feel like that when I'm juggling things in my life. Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted October 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2006 The Lone Ranger and Tonto went to a bar in the desert to celebrate after rounding up some criminals. It was so hot out, that the Lone Ranger said "We need to keep the horses cool. Tonto, you stay out here and keep them cool." Tonto asked "How Tonto do that?" Lone Ranger said "Just run around the horses in circles...that will create a draft and keep air flowing around them. I"ll get a couple beers to go and we'll be on our way." So the Lone Ranger goes inside, but as he starts to order the beers a guy offers to buy him a round for fighting the bad guys. Of course he can't refuse, so he sits down and drinks it. Then another guy buys a second round....and then a third. Before you know it, the Lone Ranger had forgotton all about Tonto being outside. Then a guy comes in to the bar and stops at the door and says "Hey, who owns the two horses out front?". The Lone Ranger, suddenly shocked into remembering, says "Oh, that would be me." The man says "You left your injun runnin." Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted October 17, 2006 Report Share Posted October 17, 2006 ...bada-bing! . Reminds me of the guy who was refueling his lawnmower in the garage and spilled some gas. When he returns from looking for something to absorb it, he sees his dog frantically running around the garage in circles -- endlessly! Sure his dog is at serious risk, he immediately calls his vet who comes right over. The dog is still running circles! The vet can't believe it -- he's never seen anyting like it. All of a sudden the dog just keels over and is lying there with its legs twitching. The vet immediately checks the dog for breathing and listens for a hearbeat. The guy says "Doc, is he dead? The vet tells him "no, just ran out of gas!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted October 20, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2006 "Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the drive way." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on,too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ........... Is this 486-5731?" Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted October 20, 2006 Report Share Posted October 20, 2006 Ah, Dave.. you're killin' me!!! Good one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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