ole1bus Posted August 25, 2006 Report Share Posted August 25, 2006 Ole and Sven were going to go ice fishin' on Lake Minnetonka and asked their wives if they wanted to go with. Lena and Inga thought for a minute and said, "no tanks. We're goin' down to our own favorite fishin' hole. You boys have a good time 'der." So Lena and Inga got their fishin' gear together and set off for their spot. It was nice. Not very windy, quite, peaceful, and best of all, no one else in sight. Lena cut the holes while Inga baited the hooks. They set their gear and sat back to enjoy the day. From up above came a voice, "there are no fish under the ice." Lena and Inga looked at each other and said, "we must be in 'da presence of the Lord. He's helpin' us fish by telling us where 'dey are." So they reeled up their lines, moved to a new spot, cut new holes and dropped their hooks again. After a short time they again heard a voice from above say, "there are NO FISH under the ice." Lena and Inga got on their knees, thanked the Lord for His wisdom and again moved their equipment to new holes and got to fishin'. After this second guidance from above, Lena and Inga just KNEW that THIS spot was the right one. Five minutes went by when, all of a sudden, another voice was heard, "this is the ice rink manager - listen ladies, we told you twice, THERE ARE NO DAMN FISH UNDER THE ICE. Go home!" Hey Hey Watch the Ole stories :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolly Roger Posted August 26, 2006 Report Share Posted August 26, 2006 My new favorite bumper sticker: If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? I ran across the most memorable bumper sticker I ever saw while I was driving on the interstate through West Virginia on my way to visit friends in North Carolina. The sticker was on the back of this pickup, which was driven by this burly, heavily bearded man wearing camo. The truck was a really old beater that appeared to be held together with duct tape and baling wire, and it had a gun rack behind the driver - with a gun on the rack. The sticker read: "I love animals. They taste GREAT!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolly Roger Posted August 26, 2006 Report Share Posted August 26, 2006 So this woman is driving in to work one morning. She's running a little late, so she's going about 10 mph over the speed limit on the highway. She drives up this hill with a bridge at the top, and as she crests the hill, she sees a cop behind the bridge with a radar gun. He pulls her over a few moments later, gets out of his cruiser, and cockily walks up to her car. In his best condescending voice he says, "So, what's the hurry ma'am?" She looks up at him and says, "I'm sorry officer, but I'm late for work!" He replies, "Well, what sort of work do you do that's so important that you need to BREAK THE LAW?" "I'm a rectum stretcher", she says. "A WHAT!" "A rectum stretcher. I stretch rectums. You know, first I put one finger in, then two, then three and four - until I can get my whole hand in. Then, I slowly work that rectum until I can get my other hand in there too. Then, I slowly pull that rectum open until it's 6 feet wide!" "What in God's name do you do with a 6 foot asshole", asked the cop. "Give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge." Ticket: $95 Court Costs: $45 Look on the cop's face: Priceless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 26, 2006 Report Share Posted August 26, 2006 Ouch! The opinions expressed in these forums do not represent the opinions of the staff or mangement of Stangsunleashed.com. Please direct any litigation to the person(s) herein noted as "Jolly Roger." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JETSOLVER Posted August 27, 2006 Report Share Posted August 27, 2006 Tools; definiton of use, DRILL PRESS; a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room splattering it against that freshly painted car part WIRE WHEEL; cleans paint and rust off of bolts and then throws them some place under the workbench at the speed of light, Also removes, finger prints, band-aids, and deposits small sharp wires in your shirt. HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. PLIERS; used to round bolt heads off. Also useful for giving your palm blood blisters. HACKSAW: Part of a entire group of tools built on the chaos theory. It transforms human energy into a crooked,unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course the more dismal the cut becomes. VISE GRIPS; used to round off bolts heads. Can be used to hold objects while welding, transferring the intense heat to your palm. OXY/ACETYLENE TORCH; Used for cutting metal that is always 1/8" thicker then the tip you have. Very good tool for lighting everything in your shop on fire. Well known for the magic characteristics of the oxygen bottle always being empty no matter how much you re-fill it. METRIC SOCKETS; used for beating onto the heads of the bolts you rounded off with the pliers and vise grips FLOOR JACK: A 4 foot long metal pipe on wheels that is used for removing the skin from you shins. Also can be can be used for raising your car 1 inch lower then the height of the transmission your removing. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut fuel and vacuum line 1" shorter then needed. Used in conjunction with the tape measure to confirm that the line is 1" to short. HAMMER; Originally used as a weapon of war, now known for the ability of its handle to stop the tool box drawer from opening. Also useful for making blood squirt form under you fingernail. ENGINE HOIST; A basic lever on wheels known for its ability to travel in the direct opposite direction of where you are pushing it. Employs divining rod characteristics to find the edge of the floor where the stone driveway starts. QUARTZ LIGHT; Very useful tool for keeping you feet warm in the winter. Known for its ability to melt anything that comes in contact with it in less then a second, including your forehead. Will always shine the light into your eyes, but will keep the working area dark. IMPACT WRENCH; Uses compressed air to twist off any bolt that you need to keep, and change the temperature of a junk nut from 68 degrees to 500 degrees in 1/2" distance of thread, burning your fingers as you attempt to throw it in the trash. PRY BAR; Comes in many different shapes, sizes and lengths. Most are straight blade but occasionally they come in Phillips also. OIL DRAIN PAN; A container used to collect oil drainings. No matter what size you buy it will always be 1" shorter then the distance between the drain plug and the oil filter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JETSOLVER Posted August 27, 2006 Report Share Posted August 27, 2006 Is this not common knowledge? Unfortunately, it seems all to common. I tell the young kids fresh out of school that if I catch any of them working on any aircraft with a "farmer's micrometer"(crescent wrench), the next job they do will be a wing repair at 6000 feet. On the outside of the bird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 27, 2006 Report Share Posted August 27, 2006 Unfortunately, it seems all to common. I tell the young kids fresh out of school that if I catch any of them working on any aircraft with a "farmer's micrometer"(crescent wrench), the next job they do will be a wing repair at 6000 feet. On the outside of the bird. In the Air Force they send them out for a bucket of "prop-wash" before they get to work on jets . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted August 27, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2006 Unfortunately, it seems all to common. I tell the young kids fresh out of school that if I catch any of them working on any aircraft with a "farmer's micrometer"(crescent wrench), the next job they do will be a wing repair at 6000 feet. On the outside of the bird. Famer's micrometer? That's funny. I worked at a front-end shop. We had a tool we called a "Kentucky Blue-tip". For those of you who can't figure it out, that's an acetylene torch. We also had names for some cars.... 1) Cadillac was a cattle truck. 2) Fiero was a Chevation (the Fiero front suspension was the rear suspension from a Chevy Citation, and the rear suspension was the front suspension from a Chevette - talk about using parts from the old scrap bin - yikes). 3) Cutlass was a Gut-less 4) Mustang was a Rustang (this was in the late '80s...when we saw many of the rusted out floorboards and front frame members on first-gen Mustangs. Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 27, 2006 Report Share Posted August 27, 2006 2) Fiero was a Chevation (the Fiero front suspension was the rear suspension from a Chevy Citation, and the rear suspension was the front suspension from a Chevette - talk about using parts from the old scrap bin - yikes). Dave Geez, no wonder many burst into flames -- they didn't know if they were coming or going! . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 27, 2006 Report Share Posted August 27, 2006 Dan - what's up with the new avatar? Your's? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 27, 2006 Report Share Posted August 27, 2006 Dan - what's up with the new avatar? Your's? The 68? No, though it looked identical. I can't find a whole box of slides... but I'll eventually find them. Didn't take a lot of pix of her, but i do have some -- if I can find 'em. Hope so.. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted August 27, 2006 Report Share Posted August 27, 2006 Well - either you're messin with me (likely) or I need to stop buying the cheap Rum. Coulda sworn you changed the avatar to an orange or yellow Mustang....Never mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CobraCrazy Posted August 27, 2006 Report Share Posted August 27, 2006 I think the fact I ordered my Shelby in Mar. and haven't heard a word but material hold is a real joke. I think Ford's approach to this car is a real joke. Too bad it's not at all funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted August 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because zippers scare the sheep. :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tsteff Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed, three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 Well - either you're messin with me (likely) or I need to stop buying the cheap Rum. Coulda sworn you changed the avatar to an orange or yellow Mustang....Never mind! Oh, that one! That's a 'Boss 302' photoshop I did based off the Ford GTR concept -- you like?: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ipchay61 Posted August 30, 2006 Report Share Posted August 30, 2006 Beware of Dog Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him." The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." -Chip in SC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted August 30, 2006 Report Share Posted August 30, 2006 The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed, three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." Funny stuff! Aren't signif-others subtle sometimes?! . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted September 7, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2006 A woman walks into a doctors office and waits for him. He comes in and says "Well, what seems to be the problem?". She responds "Well doc, I have this problem....one minute I think I'm a wigwam, the next minute I think I'm a teepee. Then a wigwam, then a teepee. Wigwam...teepee, wigwam....teepee. Any idea what it might be?" The doctor responds quickly...."Oh that's easy...your problem is ....you're too tense." :tease: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carnut Posted September 7, 2006 Report Share Posted September 7, 2006 Dat wud really phuny too tents Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted September 7, 2006 Report Share Posted September 7, 2006 . Lately, things have been intense around here... ...but when it's raining it's better than being outside . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 How curtomer requirements go wrong.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gt500hp Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 MAD WIFE DISEASE A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he groaned. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation" Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted September 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. This isn't a joke...it's true. In the city I live, there is rarely any violent crime...we have about 1 murder per year. However, last fall, a guy allegedly beat his wife to death with a frying pan...he's on trial now. I say allegedly loosely, as he himself called the police and told them that he did it...they came to the house and they asked why he did it. He allegedly said he was "mad at her". He allegedly hit her 11 times. Dave A chicken and a horse live on a farm, and are good friends. They have been friends for many years, and enjoy each other's company. One day, the horse wanders off to a far edge of the farm, and gets stuck in a mud bog. The chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to the farmer's house, but the farmer is gone. The chicken searches frantically for a solution while the horse continues to sink. Finally, the chicken sees the farmer's Harley Davidson in the garage, grabs some rope, drives the Harley across the farm, ties the rope it to the horse, and pulls him free. The horse was very happy, and thanked the chicken profusely. About a week later, the chicken was wandering in the same area of the farm, and gets stuck in the same bog. The horse heard the chicken's screams, and immediately rushed to his aid. Realizing that he was large enough to straddle the small bog, he simply stretched over, and then informed the chicken to grab onto his dangly thing, and the horse would pull him free. The chicken did as instructed and was spared his life. The moral of the story is.....you don't need to be hung like a horse to ride a Harley, but it does help you pick up chicks. :banana piano: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted September 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 Anyone want a really funny joke? If so, please speak up...if I get a request...I'll post it at midnight my time...10 minutes from now. 12:02....guess no takers. Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carnut Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 Please please please Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted September 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 Please please please Oh ok...since you begged..... A small-town mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz , about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!" :huh: :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carnut Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 Sounds like someone got Schwartzed (Old movie, only some old guys will get it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhantomAce Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 Sounds like someone got Schwartzed (Old movie, only some old guys will get it) Use the Schwartz! Mike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 . ...and may the Schwartz be with you. <originally heard that joke in the 60s; I think it was an old Myron Cohen stand-up routine... just as funny today!> . <edit:> just saw your post Phantom... great minds think alike . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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