Jokes

[Alloy Dave]

Viruses

·The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

·The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

·The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

·The John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on it's stored memory.

·The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

·The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

·The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

·The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

·The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

·The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

·The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

[68fastback]

Bite me.

 

 

 

:elefant:

 

 

 

Viruses

·The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

·The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

·The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

·The John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on it's stored memory.

·The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

·The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

·The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

·The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

·The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

·The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

·The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

 

 

 

Bryan Oesterreich virus - Keeps changing its identity but ultimately posts the "'pink' screen of death."

 

 

<please, oh, please make that pic go away.... please???? we'll be good [fingers crossed]

 

.

[JETSOLVER]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished

 

to see the bed

 

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then,

 

he saw an

 

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 

 

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition,

 

he opened the

 

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

 

 

"Dear Dad,

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing

 

you. I had to

 

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to

 

avoid a scene with

 

Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with

 

Stacy, and she is so nice,

 

but! I knew you would not approve of her, because of

 

all her piercings,

 

tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she

 

is so much older than

 

I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad she's

 

pregnant. Stacy said that we will

 

be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and

 

has a stack of firewood

 

 

for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many

 

more children.

 

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana

 

doesn't really

 

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and

 

trading it with the

 

other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and

 

ecstasy we want.

 

 

 

 

 

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find

 

a cure for AIDS, so Stacy

 

can get better. She sure doesn't deserve it! Don't

 

worry Dad, I'm

 

15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,

 

I'm sure we'll be back to

 

visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

 

 

 

 

Love, your son, John.

 

 

P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at

 

Tommy's house.

 

 

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse

 

things in life than

 

the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I

 

love you!

 

 

Call when it is safe for me to come home

[RUFDRAFT]

Now there's a lad who's going to go far in life!

 

Or - sell Mustang Shelby 500's.

 

Dan - ease up on the Pink references - or I may have to squeeze you Real Hard.

[68fastback]

Now there's a lad who's going to go far in life!

 

Or - sell Mustang Shelby 500's.

 

Dan - ease up on the Pink references - or I may have to squeeze you Real Hard.

 

 

.

 

Your wish is my command, my friend -- good to see your old avatar back.

 

.

[tsteff]

Maybe a little funny ??

 

Last week my 13 year old daughter (a very true blonde) and I were shopping for my grand nephews baby clothes...

we were at the register and she says "Oh, I just had a thought "so as part of an ongoing joke I said "with what you have no brain".....

....

....

She replied with "I know, but....."

 

it's funny cause now she's admitting it...

[RUFDRAFT]

Good one! The funniest things are the true things people say.

 

I love it when someone says to me, "to be honest with you..." Which, of course, implies that....

[carnut]

Policeman vs. Lawyer

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Texas deputy sheriff. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense

 

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy - "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer - "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy - "You still didn't come to a complete stop, License and registration, please."

Lawyer -"What's the difference?"

Deputy - "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,please!"

Lawyer - "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and no ticket.

"Deputy - "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[tsteff]

That's a good one, I never get tired of hearing it...

T

 

Here's another good one

 

 

The Best break-up letter so far....

 

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received

a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home.

 

It read as follows:

 

Dear Ricky,

 

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great.

 

I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone,

 

and it's not fair to either of us.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

 

Love, Becky

 

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow

Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends,

sisters,ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture

of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had

collected from his buddies.

 

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

 

Dear Becky,

 

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

 

Ricky

 

 

And one more

 

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to

a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting therefore a while, he yells to

the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the

woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only

fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

 

The blind man thi nks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah... not

if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[JETSOLVER]

I have a Labrador retriever.

 

 

I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog food at Wal-Mart

and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a

dog.

(DUH!)

 

 

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and

that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably

shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that

I'd

lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes

coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that

it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to

load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two

every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete

so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically

everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

 

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

 

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

 

 

From an E-mail

[carnut]

I have a Labrador retriever.

I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog food at Wal-Mart

and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a

dog.

(DUH!)

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and

that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably

shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that

I'd

lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes

coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that

it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to

load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two

every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete

so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically

everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

 

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

From an E-mail

 

 

Woof, makes me wanna chase a car

[RUFDRAFT]

Ruf - Ruf.

[carnut]

Ruf - Ruf.

 

[Alloy Dave]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender…”I’d like a scotch and soda, and I’d like to buy that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink.” The bartender says, “Hey, she’s a regular and you can’t be talking about her that way.” The guy says “Okay, I'm sorry....let me try again. I’d like to buy that nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink.” The bartender says “That’s more like it.” So he walks down to the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says “I’ll have a vinegar and water.”

[68fastback]

Got this from a friend a while back... some are pretty good...

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Anyone who flies much will probably appreciate these, especially since the airlines have strict guidelines on how crew is supposed to speak to the passengers:

 

In-flight Airline Announcements:

 

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight, the pilot announced "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."

He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking: Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

.

[RUFDRAFT]

:happy feet: Good one Dave - and 68!

 

Dan - how fast do you type? Sheesh!

[68fastback]

:happy feet: Good one Dave - and 68!

 

Dan - how fast do you type? Sheesh!

 

 

That one was already softcopy -- from a friend...

 

.

 

 

Amazing how the brain works..... You can actually read this! Check this out:

 

 

We don't need no edukashun.....

 

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mni d Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn'! t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia -

 

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

 

Is that strange or what?!

 

.

[carnut]

That one was already softcopy -- from a friend...

 

.

Amazing how the brain works..... You can actually read this! Check this out:

We don't need no edukashun.....

 

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mni d Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn'! t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia -

 

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

 

Is that strange or what?!

 

.

 

Man am I in trouble, I can read faster than if were spelled correctly. Amazing

[68fastback]

And....

 

BUMPER STICKERS YOU MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING TOO FAST

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fight Crime: Shoot Back

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember Folks:

stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 and 105 mph

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heart Attacks - God's Revenge For Eating Stuff from Things with Faces

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grow Your Own Dope - Plant a Blonde

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The proctologist called...they found your head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to America...now speak English, Damn It

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[68fastback]

-------------------------------------------

 

A gem of a tatoo:

 

 

 

I love that one... A new avatar for Yamahar1???? <just razzin'>

 

[SteelSteeds]

My new favorite bumper sticker:

 

If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

[68fastback]

My new favorite bumper sticker:

 

If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

 

 

 

I also saw this one:

 

PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals

 

.

[carnut]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As

he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him", she said running her

hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can

do?"

"Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her

forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her

fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper

towels in the ladies room."

 

 

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,"Is it true they're

suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer."And now someone is

suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' theirarteries with all

them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot

coffee that she ordered?" "Yep

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and

still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser

fer all them ugly women I slept with ?"

 

 

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

 

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

 

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks,

 

What size curtains she needs.

 

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

 

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

 

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

 

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

 

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

[tsteff]

Should children witness child birth?

 

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

 

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a

3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could

see while he helped deliver the baby.

 

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,

and after a little while Connor was born.

 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his

bottom. Connor began to cry.

 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed

3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

 

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the

first place........ smack his ass again.

[ole1bus]

Ok, if PC is not required, here's one...

 

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Keep the tip."

 

What did the prostitute say to the leper?

 

 

Business is dropping off

[68fastback]

Should children witness child birth?

 

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

 

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a

3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could

see while he helped deliver the baby.

 

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,

and after a little while Connor was born.

 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his

bottom. Connor began to cry.

 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed

3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

 

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the

first place........ smack his ass again.

 

 

 

Bravo, tsteff, that's a good one! Kids... the great perspective changers

 

.

[tsteff]

What did the prostitute say to the leper?

Business is dropping off

 

 

 

Funny stuff

T

[PhantomAce]

Funny stuff

T

 

But,

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

 

 

 

 

"Keep the tip..."

[Joe G]

Ole and Sven were going to go ice fishin' on Lake Minnetonka and asked their wives if they wanted to go with. Lena and Inga thought for a minute and said, "no tanks. We're goin' down to our own favorite fishin' hole. You boys have a good time 'der."

 

So Lena and Inga got their fishin' gear together and set off for their spot. It was nice. Not very windy, quite, peaceful, and best of all, no one else in sight.

 

Lena cut the holes while Inga baited the hooks. They set their gear and sat back to enjoy the day.

 

From up above came a voice, "there are no fish under the ice."

 

Lena and Inga looked at each other and said, "we must be in 'da presence of the Lord. He's helpin' us fish by telling us where 'dey are."

 

So they reeled up their lines, moved to a new spot, cut new holes and dropped their hooks again.

 

After a short time they again heard a voice from above say, "there are NO FISH under the ice."

 

Lena and Inga got on their knees, thanked the Lord for His wisdom and again moved their equipment to new holes and got to fishin'. After this second guidance from above, Lena and Inga just KNEW that THIS spot was the right one.

 

Five minutes went by when, all of a sudden, another voice was heard, "this is the ice rink manager - listen ladies, we told you twice, THERE ARE NO DAMN FISH UNDER THE ICE. Go home!"

[RUFDRAFT]

Uh-oh - this one might cause some feedback...!

 

 

 

The head flight attendant was approached by one of her newbies. The flight is headed to Dallas to Boston.

 

"There's a blonde sitting in first class that has a coach ticket and refuses to move back to coach," she tells her boss.

 

So - the boss goes into first class to fix the situation.

 

"I'm sorry miss," she says, "but your ticket is for coach."

 

"I'm a good looking blonde and I'm sitting in first class all the way to Boston," she says and folds her arms in defiance.

 

The chief attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the co-pilot there may be a problem.

 

He walks back to talk to our blonde.

 

A few seconds later, the blonde gets up and walks back to her assigned seat in coach.

 

The astonished attendants ask him what he said to her.

 

"I told her that coach seating was going to Boston - and first class was going to New York."