Jokes

[MY500SS]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

 

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."

 

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

 

[Boss Doctor]

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for his every year check-up.

 

The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"

 

"I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day" says the old Cajun, and, that's why I'm in such good shape. "I'm up well before daylight and out hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper. And I have a shot of houch before bed time. And I say my prayers every night. And all is well wid me"

 

"Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure dem prayers helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

 

"Who said Pop is dead?"

 

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old he is?"

 

"Pop be 100 next month," say Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me this morning, and then we went to a "beer joint" for a while and had a few beers and that's why he's still alive. He's a tough Cajun man and he hunts and fishes every day, too.

 

"Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

 

"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"

 

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old, your father is 100 and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old he is?"

 

"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer too, but he won’t touch the hard stuff."

 

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your grandfather went hunting and fishing with you'll this morning too?"

 

"No, Paw Paw couldn't go this time. He's getting married today."

 

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"

 

Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted to?"

[SoCalSGT]

This has been around for a while but it's still good, and I'm not sure everyone has seen it. It's purported to be true, but who knows. So this seemed the best place for it.

 

 

HELL EXPLAINED

 

 

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 

 

 

 

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

 

 

 

 

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

 

 

 

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

 

 

 

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

 

 

 

 

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

 

 

 

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So which is it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being; which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

 

 

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

 

 

[SoCalSGT]

A Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone..

 

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperrary baby boy.."

 

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar..

 

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?

 

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

 

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

 

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says......

 

"Had him circumcised".

God Bless The Irish !!!

[SoCalSGT]

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

 

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

 

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

 

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

 

He said, "Take the dog for a walk."

[Boss Doctor]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

 

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther..

 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says......."Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

[Guest markham51]

Grandparents....

 

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

 

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,

"Who was THAT?"

 

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond.. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

 

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

 

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

 

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

9.. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

 

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

 

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

 

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

 

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

[Guest markham51]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait! (says the Blode gal friend of mine...)

 

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

 

 

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

 

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

 

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

 

 

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.

[MY500SS]

"The idiot makes his own lunch" To dang funny.

[ejrail]

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"

[Boss Doctor]

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

 

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

 

All of a sudden? POOF!!

 

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

 

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

 

Then POOF!.... she was gone!

 

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

 

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the ***** willows.'

 

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

[dgstang]

What is better than having roses on your piano????

 

Having tulips on your organ......... :happy feet:

[ejrail]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a

new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small

knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and

could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the

effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman

wanted 'The Knob.'

 

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,

and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young

looking and vibrant.

 

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with

two problems.

 

 

'All these years, everything has been working just

fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and

I've always loved the results. But now I've

developed two annoying problems: First, I have these

terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid

of them.'

 

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those

aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

 

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in

asking about the goatee.'

[SoCalSGT]

Click on the attachment.....

[SoCalSGT]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0...

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate!!!

 

DEAR DESPERATE!!!,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please note Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0!!!

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly...

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

 

 

[SoCalSGT]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

 

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

 

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

 

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

 

"1955, ma'am."

 

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

 

Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

 

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

 

[ejrail]

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

 

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.

 

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both. And he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

 

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

 

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, "Any idea where we are?"

 

Stan replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[hydroz]

Have you every blue bubbles when your a kid?

*Yes*

Well bubbles was at the door looking for you

[Seabee]

"Secure the building"

 

- If you tell a Marine officer to “secure the building,” but give him no more instruction, he will plan an assault. His troops will come in from two perpendicular directions, preceded by mortar and artillery fire, with F-18s flying close air support overhead. They will rain destruction on the structure, and then under the concealment of smoke, move into the building with two platoons, clearing each room of the building with grenades and bursts of small arms fire. When every room has been cleared they will go to the roof and raise a flag. Then the Marine officer will return and declare that the building has been secured.

 

- If you tell an Army officer to “secure the building,” he will lead his men to the building, they will enter it and start knocking out the windows. Filling each opening with sandbags, they will surround the structure with barbed wire and claymores (these are directional command detonated mines). He will personally emplace his machineguns in the best locations to cover the “likely avenues of enemy approach,” and after 24 hours the structure will be fit to hold off an attack from a force three times the size of the Army unit inside. He will then report that the building has been secured.

 

- If you tell a Navy officer to “secure the building,” he shuts down the computers, spins the dial on the lock of the file cabinet, turns off the lights and locks the front door.

 

- If you tell an Air Force officer to “secure the building,” he looks it up on Google Maps, gets his contracting agent, and heads down to the local real estate agent where he takes out a 20 year lease with an option to buy.

[ejrail]

MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found

that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit

from receiving chicken blood

 

 

rather than human blood.

 

 

 

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know.

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

................OK, I'll be going to my room now.

 

[Seabee]

comic.bmp

comic.bmp

[Seabee]

The Navy Chief

 

[shelbydream1]

An elderly widower moves into a new assisted living facility. He starts to notice an abundance of pretty widows in the cafeteria, He decides to join a gym and hire a personal trainer to get himself in shape to attract their attention. As he is working out with his trainer at the gym one afternoon, a gorgeous 40 year old blonde with an amazing body walks into the gym. The old man asks his trainer "what machine in her should I use to get HER attention???" The trainer replied "I'd suggest the ATM."

[supersnake94]

Dracula walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of warm water. The bartender says "sure" and gives him the glass full of warm water. Then Dracula takes out a dirty tampon and puts it in the water. The bartender asks "what are you doing?" and Dracula replies "I'm making tea!"

[ejrail]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

 

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

 

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

 

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

 

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

 

 

[Doug_GT350]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

 

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

 

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[MY500SS]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

 

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

 

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

 

 

I'm sharing that one tonight with Marji....................Too funny Doug.

[stpracer43]

At a press conference following the recent VA earthquake, President Obama announced the quake had occurred on a previously unknown fault line called, Bush's Fault. He further stated the quake started when the Founding Fathers rolled over in their graves.

[Guest markham51]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK

 

 

 

________________________________________

 

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

 

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

 

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

 

4.. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

 

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

 

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

 

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

 

8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

 

9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

 

10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

 

 

 

 

 

 

WELL DONE… NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

[shel-b001]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK

 

 

 

________________________________________

 

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

 

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

 

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

 

4.. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

 

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

 

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

 

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

 

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

 

9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

 

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

 

 

 

 

 

 

WELL DONE… NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

 

Good One Mark . Long time since you been on . You in Waterloo ? Need to hook up .