Jokes

[SicShelby]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE:

 

George Phillips, an elderly gentleman from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. George went downstairs and opened the back door to turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.." George said, "Okay."

 

He hung up the phone and counted to 30, then he phoned the police again.."Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed... well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both. The dogs are sniffing at them right now," and he hung up.

 

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT team,a helicopter, two firetrucks, an ambulance and two paramedics showed up at the Phillips' residence, and the burglars were caught red-handed.

 

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

 

George said, "I thought you said no one was available."

[skeet]

A blonde woman goes to the doctor complaining of pain, she says that when ever she touches any part of her body that she feels pain.

 

The doctor tells her to touch her arm and let him know if she feels pain, she does and feels the pain, he tells her to touch her belly and let him know if she feels pain, she does and feels pain. He tells her to touch her leg and to let him know if she feels pain, she does and feels pain.

 

The doctor said “ok, I know what your problem is” The blonde says “great, what is it?”

The doctor says “you have a broken finger”

[Doug_GT350]

Little Sally comes in the door from playing and tells her mommy...."Franky showed me his wienie today"

 

Before Mom could say anything back to her Sally stated..."It reminded me of a peanut"

 

Mom smiled to herslf and said...."It was that little, huh"

 

Sally said...."No, Salty"

[MY500SS]

Little Sally comes in the door from playing and tells her mommy...."Franky showed me his wienie today"

 

Before Mom could say anything back to her Sally stated..."It reminded me of a peanut"

 

Mom smiled to herslf and said...."It was that little, huh"

 

Sally said...."No, Salty"

 

 

Ummmm..........I'm not sure what's worse, the joke or my laughing at it.

 

[ngnear]

Little Sally comes in the door from playing and tells her mommy...."Franky showed me his wienie today"

 

Before Mom could say anything back to her Sally stated..."It reminded me of a peanut"

 

Mom smiled to herslf and said...."It was that little, huh"

 

Sally said...."No, Salty"

 

 

 

 

I had to send this to my Dad.....

 

[Doug_GT350]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

'Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

 

The social worker behind the counter said,

'Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes- Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

 

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshi**in' me!'

 

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . You started it.'

[grsybtch]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

'Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

 

The social worker behind the counter said,

'Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes- Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

 

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshi**in' me!'

 

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . You started it.'

 

 

 

 

[Boss Doctor]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.

[MY500SS]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.

 

 

TOO FUNNY!!!!

 

[QuadCam]

An old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside.. " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

[QuadCam]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer. At the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now have to enter a password.

 

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

 

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

 

P.....

E.....

N.....

I.....

S.....

 

 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

 

PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

[SoCalSGT]

This is the transcript of the radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

 

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

 

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

 

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

IRISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.

 

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[SoCalSGT]

It's best not to read this while you've been tipping a few, you might hurt yourself shaking your head!

 

John

Redneck Family Tree

 

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter

Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

And soon the two were wed.

 

This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy.

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.

 

My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,

Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.

 

Father's wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She's my grandma too.

 

If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa!!

 

[stormeaston]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book

[SoCalSGT]

 

Blind Guy and the Biker Chicks:

 

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

 

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

 

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.

 

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

 

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head no and mutters:

 

'Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

[Cali_KR]

Not a joke per se, but a nice little quip, when injected at the right time....

 

" I'm no gynecologist, but I'll be happy to take a look "

[Stormracer]

So this Irishman and Mormon are seated next to each other on the plane. Once the plane gets settled in the flight, of course drinks are being served. The flight attendant ask the Irishman what he would like to drink, he states whiskey. She then asks the Mormon, of course not knowing his religion if he would also like a Whiskey. He states "Never, I am a good Mormon and whiskey shall never touch my lips, I would rather be raped by a dozen whores". The Irishman then hands his drink back to the attendant. She asks why, he then says "I did not know we had a choice, I will take the whores"

[jaydub Mach1]

Cultural Differences Explained:

 

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

 

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

 

* Two French men and one French woman.

 

* Two German men and one German woman.

 

* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

 

* Two British men and one British woman.

 

* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

 

* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

 

* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

 

* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

 

* Two American men and one American woman.

 

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

 

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

 

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage à trois.

 

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

 

* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

 

* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

 

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island..

 

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

 

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.

 

* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun..

 

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a **** cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

__________________

[SoCalSGT]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

 

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

 

KABOOM!

 

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

 

KA-BLOOEY!

 

Then he threw another at a passing car g oing 90 mph.

 

BULLS-EYE!

 

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

 

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

 

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

 

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

 

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

 

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

 

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

 

 

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!”

 

 

[skeet]

A young woman was walking through the park when she saw a man wearing a Kilt sitting on a park bench. She walked over to him and asked him “Do you wear underwear under your Kilt?” The man said to her “stick your hand up there and let me know what you find.”

She stuck her hand up the Kilt and pulled it out. The man said “what did you find”, the young woman said “I found it gruesome.” The man said “if you stick your hand up there again you will find that it grew some more.”

[SoCalSGT]

THE 36 LAWS OF GOLF

 

ALL good golfers obey these simple rules governing play.

 

**The Laws of Golf**

 

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par_three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 9: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.

LAW 10: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 11: All 3-woods are demon-possessed .

LAW 12: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See LAW 3).

LAW 13: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 14: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 15 : The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 16: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 17: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 18: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 19: When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you should have continued watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

LAW 20: The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your swing.

LAW 21: If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 22: Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

LAW 23: A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

LAW 24: It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

LAW 25: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 26: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 27: It's not a gimme if you're still away.

LAW 28: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 29: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 30: Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the Universe.

LAW 31: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 32: There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 33: Hazards attract; fairways repel.

LAW 34: You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

LAW 35: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 36: Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

=============

 

John

[BIKEBOY]

If your tailpipe is larger than your cylinder bore................you're a Tuner!

[BIKEBOY]

 

That is PRICELESS!!!!

[SoCalSGT]

Purported to be a true story...you be the judge!

 

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

 

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

 

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

 

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken!"

[SicShelby]

A burglar broke into a family's home one night. He shined his flashlight

around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing

from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and

froze.

 

After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and

continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the

wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the

source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his

flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He whispered to the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.

 

"Want kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus"

[Cali_KR]

Found this gem on another site...

 

Here are mine for men who need a laugh and women with a good sense of humor…

 

1. A wife is a sex object... every time you ask for sex, she objects.

 

2. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.

 

3. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

 

4. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

 

5. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

 

6. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

 

7. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!

[Boss Doctor]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

 

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

 

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

 

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

 

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

 

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: "So does the case of Budweiser and its half the price!"

 

Took the cleaning crew almost 30 minutes to get the blood off the floor....

[BIKEBOY]

Found this gem on another site...

 

Here are mine for men who need a laugh and women with a good sense of humor…

 

1. A wife is a sex object... every time you ask for sex, she objects.

 

2. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.

 

3. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

 

4. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

 

5. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

 

6. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

 

7. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!

 

 

 

#3 is priceless....and soooo true!

[BLOWN]

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's testicles, we put them into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work"

 

 

 

 

 

The German doctor comments:"That´s nothing, in Germany we take part

of the brain from a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work"

 

 

A Russian doctor says: That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the

heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

 

 

 

 

 

The US doctor answers immediately: That's nothing colleagues, you are way

behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no

brains, no heart and no balls....we made him President, and now....the whole country is looking for work!!!!!

 

 

 

 

[Doug_GT350]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

 

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."

 

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."