Jokes

[Doug_GT350]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

 

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

 

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

 

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

[08 snake]

An elderly couple are attending church services together.

About halfway through the service, she writes a note and hands it to

her husband.

 

The note says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I

should do?"

 

The husband scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

 

 

[ati]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,

and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money

in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,

you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are

the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender,"those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10

which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what

you need to do:

 

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,

and you can't make a face while doing it."

 

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.

You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

 

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had

sex. You have to take care of that problem."

 

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot!

I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila

and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,

"Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and

drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he

doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained

to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming,

and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they

think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His

clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over

his body. He drunkenly says,

"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[ngnear]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

[SicShelby]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,

and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money

in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,

you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are

the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender,"those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10

which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what

you need to do:

 

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,

and you can't make a face while doing it."

 

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.

You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

 

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had

sex. You have to take care of that problem."

 

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot!

I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila

and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,

"Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and

drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he

doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained

to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming,

and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they

think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His

clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over

his body. He drunkenly says,

"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

 

I heard that one a LONG time ago and for the life of me I couldn't remember how it went.

 

Thanks for posting.

[SicShelby]

Hopefully this is big enough to read:

 

[ngnear]

With St. Patrick's day just around the corner. It may be a good time time to start a few good ol fashion Irish jokes.

 

So this is a start.

 

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

 

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

 

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

 

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Cali_KR]

Its not political, :jackinbox:

[SicShelby]

THE MOMENT FOR PAIN BEGINS:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Z-man]

THE MOMENT FOR PAIN BEGINS:

 

 

 

 

Didn't see that comming....and THAT's funny!!

[Cali_KR]

If anyone is offended by this, I apologize in advance....

 

 

Subject: Health Plan

 

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she

passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

 

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman.. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

 

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were

exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill

with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain

and his testicles could easily rupture."

 

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

 

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while

a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,

"Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

 

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better Health Plan."

[SoCalSGT]

 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

 

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

 

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

 

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[RUFDRAFT]

 

 

Super Bowl

 

 

 

 

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

 

 

 

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

 

 

 

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

 

 

 

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

 

 

 

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"..

 

 

 

The man shakes his head.

 

 

 

"No, they're all at the funeral."

 

 

 

 

[mywickedshelby]

LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

 

 

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

 

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

 

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

 

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

 

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,

 

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

 

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"

[SoCalSGT]

An older, white-haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

[mywickedshelby]

An older, white-haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

 

[brianspony]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Shelby GT500 convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought, as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 120 mph, then 130, then 140. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Shelby, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper...

[Doug_GT350]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home

Depot when they collide.

 

The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my

wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

 

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my

wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

 

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your

wife look like?'

 

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blond hair,

blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a

halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

 

The old guy says, 'Doesn't matter --- let's just look for yours.'

[08 snake]

[SoCalSGT]

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

 

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into WalMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The WalMart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart . Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

[SoCalSGT]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo dung. It means someone stole the tent!'

[skeet]

E-MAIL WARNING:

 

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi ," don't open it.

 

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

[MY500SS]

E-MAIL WARNING:

 

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi ," don't open it.

 

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

 

 

 

[Slabo]

Corn Nuts Ad. Bust a nut!

 

[Doug_GT350]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

 

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[Doug_GT350]

I lost the pub quiz last night by 1 point!

 

 

The last question was "where do most women have curly hair?"

 

 

.....apparently the correct answer is Africa.

[Boss Doctor]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farted. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, he politely greets the lady with,

 

"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

 

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,

 

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

 

He answers, "Madam if you farted just looking at it - you're going to crap when I tell you the price."

[Boss Doctor]

Proof that men DO remember:

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps in to the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

 

The husband looks up from his coffee, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."

 

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

 

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16." he says solemnly.

 

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do' she replies."

 

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

 

"Yes, I remember." said the wife, lowering herself in to a chair beside him.

 

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

 

"I remember that, too" she replied softly.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

[check6]

An old timer shuffled into the town of El Paso, Texas ,leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for

 

the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

 

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a

 

gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,

 

"Hey, old man, have you ever danced?"

 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at

 

the old man's feet. The old timer, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still

 

laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a

 

double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The

 

silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of

 

those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed

 

a mule's ass?"

 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but .... I've always wanted to."

 

 

There are a few lessons to be learned here:

 

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Boss Doctor]

An old timer shuffled into the town of El Paso, Texas ,leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for

 

the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

 

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a

 

gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,

 

"Hey, old man, have you ever danced?"

 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at

 

the old man's feet. The old timer, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still

 

laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a

 

double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The

 

silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of

 

those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed

 

a mule's ass?"

 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but .... I've always wanted to."

 

 

There are a few lessons to be learned here:

 

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.