Jokes

[Cali_KR]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store...

 

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

 

Over the past six (6) months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

 

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3..July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

 

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

 

6.August 14: Moved 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty (20)children obliged.

 

8..August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

 

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

 

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 

13.October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he shouted, "PICK ME! PICK ME! ME! PICK ME!'

 

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

 

And last, but certainly not least:

 

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[kstrong]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store...

 

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

 

Over the past six (6) months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

 

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3..July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

 

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

 

6.August 14: Moved 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty (20)children obliged.

 

8..August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

 

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

 

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 

13.October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he shouted, "PICK ME! PICK ME! ME! PICK ME!'

 

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

 

And last, but certainly not least:

 

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

Thanks, I needed that!

[Doug_GT350]

A senior citizen drove his brand new GT500 convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

 

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

 

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Shelby, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper...

[SexyStang]

A senior citizen drove his brand new GT500 convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

 

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

 

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Shelby, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper...

 

 

 

[Doug_GT350]

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam leans over to Becky and says: "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?"

 

Becky replies: "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to know the answer."

 

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know,” Sam pleads: "Please..."

 

"Well, all right," Becky replies: "I cheated on you three times."

 

"Three? When were they?" Sam asks.

 

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

 

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!" Sam replies: "I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was No. 2?"

 

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Baker came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

 

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life," Sam responds: "I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, darling. I couldn't be more moved. OK then, when was No. 3?"

 

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[MY500SS]

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam leans over to Becky and says: "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?"

 

Becky replies: "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to know the answer."

 

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know," Sam pleads: "Please..."

 

"Well, all right," Becky replies: "I cheated on you three times."

 

"Three? When were they?" Sam asks.

 

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

 

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!" Sam replies: "I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was No. 2?"

 

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Baker came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

 

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life," Sam responds: "I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, darling. I couldn't be more moved. OK then, when was No. 3?"

 

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

 

 

[SoCalSGT]

Two Women were sitting next to each at the bar

After awhile, one looks at the other and says,

 

'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from

Ireland .'

 

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

 

 

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you

Be?

 

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

 

 

 

The first one responds, 'So, am I. Sure and what street did you live on

In Dublin ?'

 

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was.

 

I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

 

And to what school would you have been going?'

 

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

 

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,

What year did you graduate?'

 

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964

 

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

 

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub

Tonight

 

Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

 

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

 

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and

Mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

 

Vicky asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?'

 

Brian answers, 'The McLaughlin twins are drunk again.'

[SoCalSGT]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

 

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

 

 

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

 

 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

 

 

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

 

 

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

 

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

 

 

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

 

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

 

 

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

 

 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

 

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

 

 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

 

 

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

 

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

 

 

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

 

 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[SGT/SC#0471]

JUST FRED

 

 

 

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,

so he asks the biker his name.

 

'Fred,' he replies.

 

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

 

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

 

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

 

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

 

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

 

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

 

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

 

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

 

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

 

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

 

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

 

The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard he couldn't see to drive.

 

 

 

 

[SoCalSGT]

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

 

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.

 

 

 

[RUFDRAFT]

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

 

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.

 

 

[Boss Doctor]

A farmer decided that he wanted to go to town to see a movie.

 

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

 

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

 

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "We can't allow animals in the theater."

 

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started, and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

 

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

 

"What?" said Marge.

 

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert." said Mildred.

 

"What makes you think that?" asked Marge.

 

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out." whispered Mildred.

 

"Well, don't worry about it." said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

 

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eat'n my popcorn!"

[SGT/SC2873]

A farmer decided that he wanted to go to town to see a movie.

 

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

 

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

 

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "We can't allow animals in the theater."

 

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started, and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

 

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

 

"What?" said Marge.

 

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert." said Mildred.

 

"What makes you think that?" asked Marge.

 

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out." whispered Mildred.

 

"Well, don't worry about it." said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

 

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eat'n my popcorn!"

 

[SGT/SC2873]

sad but true...............

 

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

 

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

[SGT/SC2873]

Tinkle

 

 

 

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a

healthy son.

 

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

 

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

 

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago..

 

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

 

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[Boss Doctor]

Golfing with the wife

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

 

"Well, let me explain," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[David Hawkins]

What did the Surfer Guy say to the Banana as he walked out the Door?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peel Ya Later Dude..........................

 

[Doug_GT350]

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

 

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

 

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

 

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

 

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

 

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

 

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

 

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

 

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[SoCalSGT]

 

Super Bowl

 

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

 

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

 

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

 

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

 

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"..

 

The man shakes his head.

 

"No, they're all at the funeral."

 

 

[MikeCMM]

Q: What did the Cowboy say to the hooker?

 

A: Mighty fine spread ya got there, Ma'am!

 

(Hope I didn't post this one already)

[John Albani]

Two Texans are out hunting, and as they are walking along

they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

 

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation jump in head first.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking

in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there",says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were

just standing here a minute ago and a goat came out of the

bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old transmission!"

[MY500SS]

Two Texans are out hunting, and as they are walking along

they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

 

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation jump in head first.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking

in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there",says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were

just standing here a minute ago and a goat came out of the

bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old transmission!"

 

 

[mywickedshelby]

Two Texans are out hunting, and as they are walking along

they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

 

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation jump in head first.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking

in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there",says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were

just standing here a minute ago and a goat came out of the

bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old transmission!"

 

[ngnear]

An elderly couple are attending church services together.

About halfway through the service, she writes a note and hands it to

her husband.

 

The note says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I

should do?"

 

The husband scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[SicShelby]

LMAO!!!

[SicShelby]

Jesus and Moses

 

A burglar broke into a family's home one night. He shined his flashlight

around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing

from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and

froze.

 

After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and

continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the

wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the

source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his

flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He whispered to the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.

 

"Want kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus"

[SicShelby]

10 Best Caddie Comments

 

No. 10...

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

 

No.. 9...

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

 

No. 8...

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

 

No. 7...

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

 

No. 6...

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

 

No. 5...

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch --- it's a compass."

 

No. 4...

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

 

No. 3...

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

 

No. 2...

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

 

...... And the No.1 best Caddy comment ever:

 

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[MY500SS]

An elderly couple are attending church services together.

About halfway through the service, she writes a note and hands it to

her husband.

 

The note says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I

should do?"

 

The husband scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

 

[Doug_GT350]

An elderly couple are attending church services together.

About halfway through the service, she writes a note and hands it to

her husband.

 

The note says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I

should do?"

 

The husband scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

I have to send that one to my Pastor!!!!

[ngnear]

I have to send that one to my Pastor!!!!

 

 

 

Who do you think sent it to me?

 

 

My Pastor has all the good ones.