jaydub Mach1 Posted November 15, 2009 Report Share Posted November 15, 2009 A group of surgeons attending a convention were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed, "You must all be missing out; politicians are the absolute easiest to operate on. They have no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and a$$ are fully interchangeable." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharabi Posted November 15, 2009 Report Share Posted November 15, 2009 A group of surgeons attending a convention were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed, "You must all be missing out; politicians are the absolute easiest to operate on. They have no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and a$$ are fully interchangeable." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaydub Mach1 Posted November 16, 2009 Report Share Posted November 16, 2009 A husband and wife were at the checkout stand of the local super market. The husband was standing ahead of his wife, when he turned around and noticed the customer behind his wife was giving his wife a neck message. The husband turns around and says "Hey! What the HELL are you doing with my wife??!!" The customer replied "Relax. I'm a licensed physical therapist. I noticed your wife was tilting her head funny. So I asked if she'd like a quick neck message! It's what I do at work" At that point the husband grew even angerier. "Well I'm a lawyer at work. You don't see me f@cking the person in front of ME, do you??!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boss Doctor Posted November 16, 2009 Report Share Posted November 16, 2009 A husband and wife were at the checkout stand of the local super market. The husband was standing ahead of his wife, when he turned around and noticed the customer behind his wife was giving his wife a neck message. The husband turns around and says "Hey! What the HELL are you doing with my wife??!!" The customer replied "Relax. I'm a licensed physical therapist. I noticed your wife was tilting her head funny. So I asked if she'd like a quick neck message! It's what I do at work" At that point the husband grew even angerier. "Well I'm a lawyer at work. You don't see me f@cking the person in front of ME, do you??!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharabi Posted November 16, 2009 Report Share Posted November 16, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boss Doctor Posted November 16, 2009 Report Share Posted November 16, 2009 The stranded Irishman One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship". As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule-out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"said the castaway, "Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Morris Posted November 16, 2009 Report Share Posted November 16, 2009 ^^^^^^^ Thats funny!!! MM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STLShelby Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 A woman was applying for a job at a lemon orchard. The interviewer asked her how much experience she had picking lemons. She said well i have been thru three divorces, bought two Plymouth's and voted for Obama. Hows that for experience? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
07SGT4578 Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 The stranded Irishman One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship". As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule-out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"said the castaway, "Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!" A woman was applying for a job at a lemon orchard. The interviewer asked her how much experience she had picking lemons. She said well i have been thru three divorces, bought two Plymouth's and voted for Obama. Hows that for experience? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skeet Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Remember the Little Rascals and the kid named Buckwheet. Buckwheet changed religions and is now a Muslim. His new name is Kareem Of Wheet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SicShelby Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Remember the Little Rascals and the kid named Buckwheet. Buckwheet changed religions and is now a Muslim. His new name is Kareem Of Wheet I love short ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SicShelby Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 ** Clever Scam - Taking Advantage of Older Men ** Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for MEN. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace down here in Florida this winter. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, once on the 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice again on the 8th, once on the 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to BE CAREFUL!! What a horrible way to take ad vantage of older men! Warn your friends to be vigilant. By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to McDonald's, therefore, I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ati Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Remember the Little Rascals and the kid named Buckwheet. Buckwheet changed religions and is now a Muslim. His new name is Barack Obama Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boss Doctor Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man. "Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens." little Suzy said. How old are they? asked Obama. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile. Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens. So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "Id love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans." Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS." Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SicShelby Posted November 24, 2009 Report Share Posted November 24, 2009 L. M. F. A. O. !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MY500SS Posted November 24, 2009 Report Share Posted November 24, 2009 A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man. "Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens." little Suzy said. How old are they? asked Obama. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile. Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens. So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "Id love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans." Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS." Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open." Joke of the month winner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cali_KR Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving................. 1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. That's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 I love short ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SicShelby Posted November 29, 2009 Report Share Posted November 29, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skeet Posted November 30, 2009 Report Share Posted November 30, 2009 A blonde and brunette are walking down town one day. They walk by a Florist and the Blonde says “look, isn’t that you husband in there buying flowers”? The brunette says” I wish that he wouldn’t do that, now I will have to lay on my back with my legs spread up in the air for a couple of weeks”. The blonde says “don’t you have a vase to put them in?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaydub Mach1 Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 A wife was looking at herself in the bedroom mirror when her husband walks in. "You know," she starts out saying, "I think I'll get a boob job." "Why?" asked the husband. "Well, to make them bigger.", she said. "Heck, that's too expensive. Besides, why don't you just rub toilet paper up and down between your boobs?" The wife said "What? How will that make my boobs bigger?". The husband said "I don't know. But look at what it did to your butt after all these years!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matts Posted December 13, 2009 Report Share Posted December 13, 2009 lady gaga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ati Posted December 16, 2009 Report Share Posted December 16, 2009 TALKING CLOCK After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. . The three stood looking at one another for a moment....... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skeet Posted December 16, 2009 Report Share Posted December 16, 2009 Two idiots are walking down the street. They come upon a dog sitting on the curb licking its balls. The one idiot says to the other “I wish that I could do that”. His buddy replied “maybe you should pet him first so he doesn’t bite you”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MY500SS Posted December 17, 2009 Report Share Posted December 17, 2009 Two idiots are walking down the street. They come upon a dog sitting on the curb licking its balls. The one idiot says to the other "I wish that I could do that". His buddy replied "maybe you should pet him first so he doesn't bite you". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaydub Mach1 Posted December 19, 2009 Report Share Posted December 19, 2009 A well built, blonde policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. She exits her patrol car and walks up to his car. He rolls down his window and she can tell he's obviously drunk. She asks him to step out of the car. She says, "Anything you say, can and will be used against you." The driver replies, "Breasts." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted December 19, 2009 Report Share Posted December 19, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaydub Mach1 Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 A Blonde's Year in Review January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!' April Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing........ Couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? October Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cali_KR Posted January 12, 2010 Report Share Posted January 12, 2010 A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark." "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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