Jokes

[Boss Doctor]

dinner with the parents

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

 

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

 

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

 

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.

 

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE ****ING DISHES"

[tekheavy]

I was at my bank today, there was a short line.

 

Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady that was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

 

It was obvious she was a little irritated.

 

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.

 

Today, I only get hunat eighty, Why it change"?

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

 

The Asian lady says "Fluc you white people too."

[MELLOWYELLOW06]

^^^ ^^^

[mywickedshelby]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads

for the bathroom.

 

A few minutes later, a loud, blood

curdling scream is heard coming

From the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud

scream reverberates through The bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom

to investigate why the drunk Is screaming.

What's all the screaming about in there?"

he yells.. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet,"

slurs the drunk, "and every

time I try to flush,

something comes up and squeezes the

hell out of my nuts."

The bartender opens the door, looks

in, and says, "You idiot!

You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[MY500SS]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads

for the bathroom.

 

A few minutes later, a loud, blood

curdling scream is heard coming

From the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud

scream reverberates through The bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom

to investigate why the drunk Is screaming.

What's all the screaming about in there?"

he yells.. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet,"

slurs the drunk, "and every

time I try to flush,

something comes up and squeezes the

hell out of my nuts."

The bartender opens the door, looks

in, and says, "You idiot!

You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

Started the day with a good laugh, thanks wicked.

[mywickedshelby]

 

Started the day with a good laugh, thanks wicked.

 

[Boss Doctor]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

 

'You talk?' he asks.

 

 

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 

 

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

[SNAKE08]

.

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,

 

Crissssssscoooo!'

 

 

 

 

 

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

 

 

 

 

 

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

 

 

 

 

 

The clerk is astonished.

 

 

 

 

 

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

 

 

 

 

 

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're

 

Out in public.'

 

 

 

 

 

'I see,' said the clerk.

 

 

 

 

 

'What do you call her at home?'

 

 

 

 

 

'Lard ass.'

 

 

 

 

[SicShelby]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ''Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!''

 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ''What the Hell is this?'' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

''April'', he hollered into the bathroom, ''Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?''

She replied with a snicker. ''It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow''!!!!! !

[SexyStang]

 

[MY500SS]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ''Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!''

 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ''What the Hell is this?'' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

''April'', he hollered into the bathroom, ''Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?''

She replied with a snicker. ''It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow''!!!!! !

 

[mywickedshelby]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ''Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!''

 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ''What the Hell is this?'' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

''April'', he hollered into the bathroom, ''Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?''

She replied with a snicker. ''It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow''!!!!! !

 

[SGT/SC2873]

[SGT/SC2873]

Potato Prostitute

Two little potatoes are standing

on the street corner. One is a

prostitute..

 

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's the one with the little sticker that says...

 

I - DA - HO :happy feet:

[SicShelby]

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each

other outside the operating room.

 

The first boy leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

 

The second boy says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a

little nervous.'

 

The first boy says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done

when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give

you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

 

The second boy then asks, 'What are you here for?'

 

The first boy says, 'A circumcision.'

 

'Whoa!' the second boy replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I

was born.

 

'Couldn't walk for a year.'

[MY500SS]

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each

other outside the operating room.

 

The first boy leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

 

The second boy says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a

little nervous.'

 

The first boy says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done

when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give

you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

 

The second boy then asks, 'What are you here for?'

 

The first boy says, 'A circumcision.'

 

'Whoa!' the second boy replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I

was born.

 

'Couldn't walk for a year.'

 

Now that's coffee all over the keyboard funny.

 

You got my day started off with a good laugh, thanks.

[SicShelby]

Now that's coffee all over the keyboard funny.

 

You got my day started off with a good laugh, thanks.

 

You welcome, haha, that one had me laughing out loud too!

[SicShelby]

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

 

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

 

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

 

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

 

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

 

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

 

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

 

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

 

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

 

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[Boss Doctor]

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

 

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

 

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

 

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

 

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

 

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

 

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

 

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

 

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

 

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

Farmer - rancher? Which is it?

[SNAKE08]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER A guy calls his buddy,the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friendover to look at a horse. His buddy asks 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So the midget shows up and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks himup again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf, Can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his armsand rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pullshim out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. 'Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

[07TungGT500Cpe]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

 

After conferring about this for awhle, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. in the middle of the project, there comes a knock on the door.

 

"Who is it?" calls out one of the nuns.

 

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

 

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room while they are naked, so they open the door.

 

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Now where do you want the blinds?"

[SicShelby]

Farmer - rancher? Which is it?

 

Eh?

[SicShelby]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER A guy calls his buddy,the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friendover to look at a horse. His buddy asks 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So the midget shows up and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks himup again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf, Can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his armsand rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pullshim out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. 'Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

 

 

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

 

After conferring about this for awhle, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. in the middle of the project, there comes a knock on the door.

 

"Who is it?" calls out one of the nuns.

 

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

 

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room while they are naked, so they open the door.

 

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Now where do you want the blinds?"

 

Those are both really good! Lmao!

[07SGT4578]

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each

other outside the operating room.

 

The first boy leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

 

The second boy says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a

little nervous.'

 

The first boy says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done

when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give

you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

 

The second boy then asks, 'What are you here for?'

 

The first boy says, 'A circumcision.'

 

'Whoa!' the second boy replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I

was born.

 

'Couldn't walk for a year.'

 

 

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

 

After conferring about this for awhle, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. in the middle of the project, there comes a knock on the door.

 

"Who is it?" calls out one of the nuns.

 

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

 

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room while they are naked, so they open the door.

 

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Now where do you want the blinds?"

 

 

[Boss Doctor]

Eh?

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

 

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

 

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

 

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

 

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

 

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

 

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

 

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

 

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

 

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

 

 

So which is it...a farmer or a rancher?

[SicShelby]

Hell I KNEW something didn't read right in that damn thing! Lmao!

 

He's a rancher/farmer/super hero (just for good measure).

 

[SicShelby]

THE POLICE APPLICANT..

 

A man, having applied to join the Brownsville, Texas,

police force is being interviewed.

The Chief says, 'Your qualifications are first-class

but there is one test that you must pass before I can

recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues,

'Take this gun with 13 bullets, and go out and shoot six

illegal immigrants, six Obama supporters and a rabbit.'

 

The man asks, 'Why the rabbit?'

 

'Fantastic attitude!' says the Chief, 'When can you start?'

[SicShelby]

I don't know if I've posted this yet but... never fails to make me laugh!:

 

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

And the best one for last

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

[MY500SS]

 

Great stuff Sic, thanks I need a good laugh.

[SNAKE08]

A few minutes before

the church services

started, the congregation was sitting In

their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

 

 

Everyone started screaming and running for

the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic

effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 

Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman

who sat calmly in his pew without moving,

seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's

ultimate enemy was in his presence.

 

So Satan walked up to the man and said,

'Do you know who I am?'

 

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

 

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

 

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

 

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

 

'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

 

'Did you know that I can cause you profound,horrifying

agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

 

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

 

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

 

'Nope,' said the old man.

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

 

The man calmly replied,'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'