Jokes

[Guest markham51]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ouch, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."

 

 

[crypto]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ouch, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."

 

Was she blond or what?

[SNAKE08]

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is

wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the

devil ... Satan: 'Welcome to Hell. Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? This place is Hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun

down here. Are you a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well then, you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays, all we do is

drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We

drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have

to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead."

Guy: "Gee, Satan, that sounds just great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest

cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get

cancer ... not to worry ... you're already dead, remember?" Guy: "Wow

... that's awesome!"

Satan: "I'll bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,

blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.

If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "That's Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean ...?"

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself

to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the

size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want.

You're dead already, so who cares?"

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No ...."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ...."

[MY500SS]

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is

wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the

devil ... Satan: 'Welcome to Hell. Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? This place is Hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun

down here. Are you a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well then, you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays, all we do is

drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We

drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have

to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead."

Guy: "Gee, Satan, that sounds just great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest

cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get

cancer ... not to worry ... you're already dead, remember?" Guy: "Wow

... that's awesome!"

Satan: "I'll bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,

blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.

If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "That's Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean ...?"

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself

to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the

size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want.

You're dead already, so who cares?"

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No ...."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ...."

That"ll keep me laughing all day, thanks.

[sharabi]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

 

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

 

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

 

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

 

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

 

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

[SicShelby]

A beautiful young girl became pregnant, and not wanting to bring disgrace to her family, chose not to tell her mother and father. Eventually, the signs became obvious and the parents confronted the girl. The father demanded to meet the man who got his young daughter pregnant.

 

The daughter got on the phone, and a half hour later a shiny red Ferrari pulled up to the house. A very dignified man with salty gray hair stepped out of the Ferrari, wearing an Armani suit. He walked briskly and with purpose up to the house and knocked on the door. He sat down with the mother and father (the father silently holding his 12-gauge), and explained that due to his current marriage he could not marry the girl. However, he was adamant that he would take responsibility and offered to pay for all the medical expenses related to the pregnancy.

 

In addition, he said, "If a boy is born, then I will give the family one million dollars and my Ferrari out front."

 

"If a daughter is born... the family will receive one million dollars and my mansion in Italy."

 

"If twins are born, each child will receive three million, each child will receive one of my factories, and one child would receive my mansion in Italy, the other would get my mansion in Britain."

 

He then asked... "If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

 

The father, who had remained reserved and silent up to this point, got up and leaned over the man from behind his chair.

 

He said, "Well... you're just going to have to try again!"

 

[skeet]

A lesbian couple bought a fixer up house down the street from me. The other day I went for a walk past the house and saw one of the women standing on the porch. I went up to her and asked how the project was coming along, she said it was coming along ok and that they just replaced the flooring, I asked what kind of flooring did you install, she said Tongue N Groove.

[supersnake94]

A man is sitting in the dentist chair during a check up. The dentist tells the man that he needs to have a root canal on one of his molars. The dentist tells the man that he will give him a shot of Novocain to kill the pain during the procedure

 

The man says to the dentist “I don’t need Novocain, I don’t feel pain, as a matter of fact I have only felt pain twice in my life” The dentist says to the man “that is interesting, tell me about the two times that you felt pain”

 

The man tells the dentist “One day I was in the mountains hunting bear when I had to take a dump. I went behind a bush, pulled down my pants and squatted down to go. I suddenly felt this severe pain on my balls. I had squatted on a bear trap.” The dentist said “man that must have really be painful, when is the second time that you felt pain?” The man said “when I ran out of chain”

[switz]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end and he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

 

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

[sharabi]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end and he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

 

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

[sharabi]

Nurse: How old are you?

 

Patient: None of your business.

 

Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for

his records.

 

Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two,

then add ten. Got that?

 

Nurse: Yes. Fifty.

 

Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell

me, what do you get?

 

Nurse: Zero.

 

Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance

of me telling you my age.

[MY500SS]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end and he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

 

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

[MikeCMM]

Did you know that 25 percent of Japanese businessmen have Cataracts? And the rest drive Toyotas. (ROR....Raff out Roud.)

[08 snake]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end and he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

 

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

 

 

[SicShelby]

Here we go:

 

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

 

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

 

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

 

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

 

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

 

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

 

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

 

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

 

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

 

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

 

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

 

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

[sharabi]

Here we go:

 

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

 

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

 

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

 

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

 

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

 

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

 

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

 

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

 

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

 

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

 

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

 

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

 

As long he is not Dr Campbell:

 

[MY500SS]

As long he is not Dr Campbell:

 

OUCH

[sharabi]

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

 

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

 

The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."

 

The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and a ghost turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and ghost would turn the light out for him."

 

The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

[nascaracing]

What's the difference between the Birmingham Zoo and the White House?

 

 

The Birmingham Zoo has an African Lion,

The White House has a Lyin' African.......

[Guest hfrosso]

Quote of the day:

drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

shure it tastes the same but it ain't f#####g right!

[Guest hfrosso]

2 fleas on a p#$$*.One's a burgular & the other one's a junkie.

How can you tell them apart?

The burgular is hiding in the bush & the junkie is sniffing the crack!

[Guest hfrosso]

The sex professor asks:

Do you know what your a## is doing while your having an orgasm?

Woman replies: "probably deer hunting with is friends".

[MY500SS]

Quote of the day:

drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

shure it tastes the same but it ain't fucking right!

 

That's so wrong, FUNNY but wrong.

[Boss Doctor]

A virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

 

 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Boss Doctor]

WEEK AT THE GYM

 

 

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

 

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

MONDAY :

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

 

TUESDAY :

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the d o or. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

 

WEDNESDAY :

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

 

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

 

THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

 

FRIDAY :

I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

 

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

 

SATURDAY :

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[MY500SS]

WEEK AT THE GYM

 

 

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

 

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

MONDAY :

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

 

TUESDAY :

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the d o or. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

 

WEDNESDAY :

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

 

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

 

THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

 

FRIDAY :

I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

 

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

 

SATURDAY :

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

"stair 'monster'"

[Boss Doctor]

One winter morning a husband and his blonde wife in Ohio were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

 

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

[Boss Doctor]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A woman stood and walked to the podium.

 

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

 

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

 

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should

recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

 

He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath.

 

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[Boss Doctor]

A 5 year old's first job

 

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a

little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that

we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

 

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew

began to build a house on the empty lot.

 

The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on

and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "Gems-in-the-rough," (more or less), adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

 

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her

ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

 

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,

"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

 

 

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working

this week, too?"

 

 

The little girl replied, "I will, if those a$$holes at Home Depot

ever deliver the fockin' Sheet Rock..."

[Boss Doctor]

the headache

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

> The Headache

> The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your

> headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

> You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to

> press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a

> headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the

> testicles."

>

> Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything

> to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

> When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the

> first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an

> important part of himself.

>

>

> As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a

> different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new

> life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I

> need... a new suit."

>

> He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new

> suit."

>

> The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...

> size 44 long."

>

> Joe laughed, "That's right. How did you know?"

>

> "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

>

> Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself

> in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

> Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

>

> The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and

> 16-1/2 neck."

>

> Joe was surprised, "That's right. How did you know?

>

> "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

>

> Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

>

> Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,

> "How about some new underwear?"

>

> Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

>

> The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

>

> Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was

> 18 years old."

>

> The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size

> 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine

> and give you one hell of a headache."

>

> New suit - $400

> New shirt - $36

> New underwear - $6

> Second Opinion - PRICELESS