Jokes

[MikeCMM]

Q: What is the definition of 'Mixed emotion.'

 

A: Watching your mother in law back up off a cliff in your Shelby.

[09KR0058]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

 

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

 

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

 

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

 

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

 

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

[crypto]

 

[sharabi]

The Woman Who Loved Beans

 

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

 

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

 

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

 

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

 

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!

 

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her and her husband a Happy Anniversary!

[supersnake94]

The Woman Who Loved Beans

 

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

 

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

 

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

 

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

 

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!

 

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her and her husband a Happy Anniversary!

I remember when my mom told me this story when I was younger. Except it was her birthday for the ending.

 

BTW, did you steal my mom's story?!!!!!

[supersnake94]

I also got a few jokes that I heard myself that I want to share with you. I hope I'm not plagarizing them.

 

I went down to tennesse with the travel camp I go to, and we went saw the Grand Ol' Opery. I forgot the names of one of the singers but I know the name of the other singer

 

 

This singer comes up to the mic, and she tells this funny story:

 

"I was going home and I was being pulled over by the cop for speeding. The cop said I was doing 70 in a 55 or something like that. He told me that the price of the ticket was going to be fifty two dollars and six cents. He then tuns away and tells me that he is a big fan of me and he asked if I had any CDs. I said that I have a trunk load of them in the back. The cop askes how much for the CDs, I said that they were fifty two dollars and six cents. The cop didn't buy any of the cds."

 

Later on, Little Jimmy Dickens came on stage and he also told his fair share of jokes, most of them were dirty, but this is a funny one he told:

 

"I've been married for many years and for a man to be 88 years old and still plaung on this stage, is amazing. One day my wife was looking in the mirror and she says that she looks old and ugly. She told me to complement her. I told her that her eyesight is perfect." Did you get his joke?

 

BTW, I hope I didn't violate anything. I know that you TS members probably are just as guilty as me because I know that most of these jokes you posted, you heard before too.

Maybe we should all go into hiding so we all don't get sued.

[supersnake94]

Q: What is the definition of 'Mixed emotion.'

 

A: Watching your mother in law back up off a cliff in your Shelby.

[sharabi]

Bathtime fun

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

 

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

 

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

 

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

 

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

 

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

 

When she got halfway along the landing the husband who was bloated relaxes completely and lets off an enormous one in the bath.

 

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

 

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

 

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

[switz]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

 

"Well, doc, it 's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

 

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

 

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

 

We even called up Hilda, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

 

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

[sharabi]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

 

"Well, doc, it 's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

 

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

 

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

 

We even called up Hilda, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

 

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

[MY500SS]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

 

"Well, doc, it 's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

 

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

 

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

 

We even called up Hilda, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

 

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

 

Oh man that's a good one Thanks.

[68fastback]

 

...a classic for sure!!!

[Doug_GT350]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down

and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This

morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss

told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office

puzzled by the question.

 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and

zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage

door.'

 

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my

garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

 

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two

flat tires.

[switz]

The Bacon Tree

 

 

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden........

 

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

 

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

 

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

 

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

 

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

 

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

 

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

 

'Pepe... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis... Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

 

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

 

Ees

 

Ees

 

Eees a Ham Bush.

[MELLOWYELLOW06]

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

 

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

 

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

 

"Tiger Woods."

 

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

 

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 

"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that. "

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

 

"What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

 

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

 

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

 

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

[crypto]

The Bacon Tree

 

 

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden........

 

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

 

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

 

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

 

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

 

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

 

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

 

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

 

'Pepe... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis... Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

 

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

 

Ees

 

Ees

 

Eees a Ham Bush.

 

No way!

[switz]

A Lawyer and a Chinese

 

A lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The

lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get one over on them

easily.

 

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is

tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch

a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask

you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me

one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

 

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to

play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The

Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls

out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with

three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches

all references he could find on the Net. He sends e -mails to all the smart

friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives

up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and

goes right back to sleep.

 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and

asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[SicShelby]

A Lawyer and a Chinese

 

A lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The

lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get one over on them

easily.

 

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is

tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch

a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask

you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me

one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

 

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to

play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The

Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls

out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with

three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches

all references he could find on the Net. He sends e -mails to all the smart

friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives

up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and

goes right back to sleep.

 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and

asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

That's good!!

[MikeCMM]

A straight cowboy and a homosexual cowboy are riding the range on horses. Suddenly they come upon a sheep wtih it's head stuck in the fence. The straight cowboy gets off his horse; drops his drawers and gives the sheep a good one. After he finishes, he pulls up his pants and climbs back on his horse. He turns to the homosexual cowboy and says, " Okay. Your turn." So the homosexual cowboy gets down off his horse and sticks his head in the fence.

[MY500SS]

A straight cowboy and a homosexual cowboy are riding the range on horses. Suddenly they come upon a sheep wtih it's head stuck in the fence. The straight cowboy gets off his horse; drops his drawers and gives the sheep a good one. After he finishes, he pulls up his pants and climbs back on his horse. He turns to the homosexual cowboy and says, " Okay. Your turn." So the homosexual cowboy gets down off his horse and sticks his head in the fence.

 

[SicShelby]

FATHER OF THE YEAR:

 

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

 

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

 

[Doug_GT350]

There was a farmer owned a small farm, and the Revenue service claimed he

was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out

to interview him.

 

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded

the rep..

 

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me

for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.'

 

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week

plus free room and board.'

 

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does

about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,

pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every

Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

 

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

 

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[MY500SS]

There was a farmer owned a small farm, and the Revenue service claimed he

was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out

to interview him.

 

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded

the rep..

 

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me

for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.'

 

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week

plus free room and board.'

 

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does

about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,

pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every

Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

 

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

 

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[skeet]

A man is sitting in the dentist chair during a check up. The dentist tells the man that he needs to have a root canal on one of his molars. The dentist tells the man that he will give him a shot of Novocain to kill the pain during the procedure

 

The man says to the dentist “I don’t need Novocain, I don’t feel pain, as a matter of fact I have only felt pain twice in my life” The dentist says to the man “that is interesting, tell me about the two times that you felt pain”

 

The man tells the dentist “One day I was in the mountains hunting bear when I had to take a dump. I went behind a bush, pulled down my pants and squatted down to go. I suddenly felt this severe pain on my balls. I had squatted on a bear trap.” The dentist said “man that must have really be painful, when is the second time that you felt pain?” The man said “when I ran out of chain”

[Doug_GT350]

A man is sitting in the dentist chair during a check up. The dentist tells the man that he needs to have a root canal on one of his molars. The dentist tells the man that he will give him a shot of Novocain to kill the pain during the procedure

 

The man says to the dentist “I don’t need Novocain, I don’t feel pain, as a matter of fact I have only felt pain twice in my life” The dentist says to the man “that is interesting, tell me about the two times that you felt pain”

 

The man tells the dentist “One day I was in the mountains hunting bear when I had to take a dump. I went behind a bush, pulled down my pants and squatted down to go. I suddenly felt this severe pain on my balls. I had squatted on a bear trap.” The dentist said “man that must have really be painful, when is the second time that you felt pain?” The man said “when I ran out of chain”

Freakin' OUCH.... just the thought of it made mine run north!!!

 

It was a good one tho!!!

[sharabi]

A man is sitting in the dentist chair during a check up. The dentist tells the man that he needs to have a root canal on one of his molars. The dentist tells the man that he will give him a shot of Novocain to kill the pain during the procedure

 

The man says to the dentist “I don’t need Novocain, I don’t feel pain, as a matter of fact I have only felt pain twice in my life” The dentist says to the man “that is interesting, tell me about the two times that you felt pain”

 

The man tells the dentist “One day I was in the mountains hunting bear when I had to take a dump. I went behind a bush, pulled down my pants and squatted down to go. I suddenly felt this severe pain on my balls. I had squatted on a bear trap.” The dentist said “man that must have really be painful, when is the second time that you felt pain?” The man said “when I ran out of chain”

[Boss Doctor]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this...yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's soooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure that if I have to roll my own then so does she."

[sharabi]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this...yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's soooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure that if I have to roll my own then so does she."

[sharabi]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ouch, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."

[Boss Doctor]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ouch, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."

That was sad!