Jokes

[sharabi]

THAT'S a good one!!

Here is another one since i am close to Detroit area:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

 

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

 

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

 

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

 

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

 

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

 

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

[SexyStang]

Funny joke for first thing in the morning....

 

 

 

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[crypto]

So where was that part of the plane going to?

 

 

 

[SicShelby]

So where was that part of the plane going to?

 

 

 

 

If she cause some hats to lift.... anywhere in the 'ell she wanted!!

[09KR0058]

[SicShelby]

Nine words women use: :D

 

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."

 

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

 

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say "you're welcome." (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' - that will bring on a 'whatever').

 

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying FORGET YOU!

 

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[SexyStang]

Nine words women use: :D

 

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."

 

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

 

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say "you're welcome." (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' - that will bring on a 'whatever').

 

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying FORGET YOU!

 

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

 

I received this in email once and was going to post it but I figured it was pointless you guys will never get it.... and with selective hearing... it's even more pointless....

 

 

 

 

[jdscooby]

I received this in email once and was going to post it but I figured it was pointless you guys will never get it.... and with selective hearing... it's even more pointless....

 

 

 

 

Huh, what did you say?

[SexyStang]

Huh, what did you say?

 

 

Very funny.....

 

 

At least you can read.... :rolleyes:

[SexyStang]

And BTW word of advice #6 is a "dangerous" statement maybe that's why it is listed as #6.....

[nascaracing]

AMAZING HOW SIMPLE THINGS CAN BE,

 

 

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

 

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my

sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution.

 

I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck

it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard

of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any

medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

Let's take care of the young people, illegals, welfare recipients and all of

the drones. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

 

So here is the solution.

 

When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2

senators and 2 representatives.

 

Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a

roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!!

Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it

on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just

told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a

prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

 

I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!!

[Boss Doctor]

Very funny.....

 

 

At least you can read.... :rolleyes:

Read what?

[sharabi]

AMAZING HOW SIMPLE THINGS CAN BE,

 

 

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

 

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my

sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution.

 

I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck

it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard

of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any

medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

Let's take care of the young people, illegals, welfare recipients and all of

the drones. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

 

So here is the solution.

 

When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2

senators and 2 representatives.

 

Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a

roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!!

Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it

on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just

told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a

prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

 

I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!!

If you go with that solution you need to pray not to get your prostate annual checking there

[SicShelby]

Read what?

 

[SexyStang]

Read what?

 

I can't win........

[ati]

Cussing In Church

 

 

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the

secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have

misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this

church."

 

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him

of her situation.

 

The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul

language .

 

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,

what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in

the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of

this damn money."

 

"I see," said the pastor, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

[SicShelby]

Cussing In Church

 

 

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the

secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have

misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this

church."

 

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him

of her situation.

 

The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul

language .

 

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,

what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in

the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of

this damn money."

 

"I see," said the pastor, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

 

Oooh that's very good!! Lmao!

[Boss Doctor]

I can't win........

Eureka! :happy feet:

 

 

 

 

[Boss Doctor]

Cussing In Church

 

 

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the

secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have

misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this

church."

 

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him

of her situation.

 

The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul

language .

 

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,

what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in

the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of

this damn money."

 

"I see," said the pastor, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

Dude! That's a hoot!

[sharabi]

Granma says to Granpa after a session...

"You're just like a cell phone".

Granpa asks, "Is it coz I vibrate so much dear?"

Granma say, "NO - it's coz whenever you go into a tunnel you lose signal!"

[Alexandros]

 

[sharabi]

Here is another one:

 

a man goes to visit his 85 year old grandpa in the hospital,

How are you garndpa? he askes

Could not be better, grandpa answers, and he goes on:

those beautiful young nurses take good care of me, the meals are five stars and the service is prompt. They give me my medicine on time, especially the evening treat!

evening treat? what kind of treat grandpa?

well..They give me a cup of hot chocolate and a pill of Viagra every evening!

What the HECK!

so the grandson runs to the nurses station to ask about this evening treat,

"Oh yes," replies the nurse , every evening at 10 PM we give him a cup chocolate and a viagra tablet, The chocolate makes him sleep,

and the viagra stops him from rolling out of his bed!

[ShelbyDude]

The Lie Clock

 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind the gatekeeper.

 

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

 

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

 

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

 

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

 

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

 

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

 

“Where’s President Obama’s clock?” asked the man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

[sharabi]

Proctologist’s Examination

 

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

 

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam—I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what’s the beer for?”

 

The doctor immediately became enraged and stormed over to the door, flinging it open, and yelling at the nurse, “For the last time, I said I wanted a butt light!”

[Doug_GT350]

An 80-year-old man was having his annual check-up when the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

 

"I've never been better!", he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considered this for a moment then said: "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

 

The doctor continued: "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?", the doctor queried.

 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied: "No."

 

The doctor continued: "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man: "Someone else must have shot that bear."

 

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[MY500SS]

An 80-year-old man was having his annual check-up when the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

 

"I've never been better!", he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considered this for a moment then said: "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

 

The doctor continued: "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?", the doctor queried.

 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied: "No."

 

The doctor continued: "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man: "Someone else must have shot that bear."

 

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[Doug_GT350]

An old, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

 

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

 

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said, "Sir, there's no money in that account."

 

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[68fastback]

 

...in a funny way that relates to how Obama got elected

 

 

ONE OF THE BEST EXPLANATIONS

OF WHY OBAMA WON THE ELECTION

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From a teacher in the Nashville area

 

"We are worried about "the cow" when it is all about the "Ice Cream"

 

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.

I decided we would have an election for a class president.

 

We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

 

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

 

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia's mother.

 

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.

Jamie went first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better

place. He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded and he sat down.

 

Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.

 

Her speech was concise.

She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She sat down.

The class went wild. "Yes! Yes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We want ice cream."

 

She surely would say more. She did not have to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She wasn't sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She didn't know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The class really didn't care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All they were thinking about was ice cream.

 

Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a landslide.

 

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and

52 percent of the people reacted like nine year olds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They want ice cream.

The other 48 percent know

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."

 

 

 

 

 

 

[09KR0058]

Body Found In Salt River

 

Champaign County Sheriffs Department reports finding a man's body in the Salt Fork river just west of the Kelly's Tavern Historical Site Bridge.

 

The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned after consuming an excessive amount of alcohol.

 

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt with matching bra, and an Obama T-shirt.

 

The deputy removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[sharabi]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

 

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

 

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

 

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

 

"Like this?"

 

"A little more..."

 

"Like this?"

 

"No. A little more..."

 

"Like this?"

 

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

 

"A little bit."

 

"Now stretch it over your head!"