Jokes

[68fastback]

Little Johnny was only five, but he was an old West gunslinger at heart. Two holsters, each with a silver 44 cap-gun each of which were nearly as long as his little legs.

 

Well, one of little Johnny's favorite things was going to the ice cream store with his Mom and today was no exception. Littler johnny strutts in ... bowlegged ...two six-shooters ...steps up to the counter, which he can barely see over, and tips his hat back a bit as he looks up.

 

The gal behind the counter sees little Johnny and asks if she can help him and Johnny says so seriously "I'll have a vanilla hot fudge sunday with nuts and whipped cream, ma'am."

 

"Would you like a cherry on that, sir?" she asks. "Yes, I would, ma'am." says Johnny

 

"Would you like your nuts crushed, little man?" she asks.

 

Johnny draws both six shooters and retorts with a steely stare "Ma'am, would you like your t*ts blown off?"

 

<an oldie for sure> ;-)

[RUFDRAFT]

You guys HAVE to be getting these out of books! :bandance:

[Alloy Dave]

RUFDRAFT died, and since his life was lived “on the fence”, he was given a choice between Heaven and Hell. He asked the gate attendant to each answer a few questions. When he asked the Hell’s gate attendant, he replied “It’s great in Hell, you eat all the junk food you want and not get fat, we are air conditioned for comfort, and you can speed in your GT500 without ever getting a ticket.”

 

RUF thought “Wow, this is the place for me!”. So he signed a contract and went to Hell.

 

The first day he was there, RUF ate cheeseburgers and Doritos for every meal. Then he wanted to go out sightseeing, so he hopped in his GT500 and sped down the road at 157 mph. He drove for 1 hour with not a cop in sight.

 

When he finally got to town and got out of his car, he noticed how hot it was…125 degrees. He asked a man nearby why he was told it was air-conditioned. The man replied “They lied to you …just to get you here. They do that to everybody.”

 

RUF was upset and started complaining about the heat. The next day, the Devil announced he was transferring RUF to Heaven, since he did not like complainers in Hell.

 

Sure enough, RUF found himself in Heaven that day. At first he thought…this can’t be too bad. After all, it’s cool here. But his first meal he was served lettuce and bean sprouts. Then, when looking for his GT500, RUF was told cars were not allowed…too much pollution. After a few days of this, RUF decided Heaven was not the place for him…he wanted to go back to Hell.

 

So RUF called the Devil and asked to come back. The Devil refused him re-admission, so the man argued by saying “I was a bad person in my life, and I deserve to be in Hell. If you don’t let me in, I’ll hire a lawyer and sue you to get back in.”

 

The Devil laughed and replied “Sue me? Where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer up there?”

:o :glare:

 

 

...sorry lawdude

[RUFDRAFT]

157 - you remembered!

 

Clever, man. :happy feet:

[oldimp]

A young Catholic guy goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

 

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Mary's."

 

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

 

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

 

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

 

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

 

At Mass the next Sunday morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

 

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly apart.

 

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

 

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes..."

[old guy]

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn't care who he hurt.

 

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.

 

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.

 

God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

 

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment".

 

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

[oldimp]

old guy! That is a good one! How about this one:

 

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

 

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It’s Pillsbury, isn't it?

 

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

[RUFDRAFT]

 

[68fastback]

 

 

..and in his first day at the nudist camp, Joe sees an old bent wrinkled man with a full and bushy white beard down to his knees. To make conversation he asks "with all that hair I was wondering why you bother being a nudist at all." To which the old man replies "someone has to go out for the coffee!"

 

<an old Myron Cohen joke I first head in the '50s>

[oldimp]

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.

 

The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope". The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! A pistol shot!"

 

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.

 

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.

 

The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words: “My fair maiden, I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap!"

 

The second boy screams out: "Hark! A shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, cow shit, bull shit! I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway!

 

The audience left howling.

[Alloy Dave]

A gynecologist was talking to an illiterate woman about her female problems. The woman insisted something was wrong, so the doctor asked "Well, tell me about your flow". To which the woman responded..... "it's linoleum".

[RUFDRAFT]

Very good!

 

If you want to raise some eyebrows, next time you're at a party where most folks don't know you, and they ask you what you do for a living - tell them you're a forensic gynecologist. I've done it. Most take it seriously.

[68fastback]

Very good!

 

If you want to raise some eyebrows, next time you're at a party where most folks don't know you, and they ask you what you do for a living - tell them you're a forensic gynecologist. I've done it. Most take it seriously.

 

 

 

.

hmmm, reminds me of that old joke, RUFF, the punch line of which is: "and if I find my keys we can just drive out"

.

 

 

so, has anyone ever said back to you "so, exactly how does that work?"

 

I think I'll have to put that on my 1040 this year... ;-)

[68fastback]

.

So, these guys, all 'lifers,' have been in jail so long that they just started doing the punch lines because everyone already know all the jokes.

 

And as time went on, even the punch lines seemed like too much effort, so they started giving each joke a number -- it was a lot simpler that way.

 

So one day when a new 'lifer' arrived at the prison he saw all these guys sitting around laughing hysterically after Zeek would call out a number.

 

Baffled by what he was seeing he asked Zeek what was going on and Zeek said "well, son, we've all been here so long we just use a number for each joke."

 

So the newcomer wants to give it a try and Zeek tells him to go ahead.

 

So he calls out "14" but no body laughs. Then "11" but nobody laughs. Then Zeek calls out "22" and people are falling on the floor with tears rolling down their faces.

 

So the newcomer asks Zeek "I don't get it, what am I doing wrong?"

 

To which Zeek replies "son, some folks just don't know how to tell a joke!"

.

[oldimp]

Dear Redneck Son

 

I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you were last home. Your dad read that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you our new address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers so they wouldn't have to change their address.

 

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure how well it works though, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain, but I haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. Hopefully it won't rain Christmas Day.

 

About that coat you wanted me to send you. Your uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

 

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if you're an aunt or an uncle yet, but the baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly, and drowned. We had him cremated, and he burned for days, and the squirrel went berserk, in the first...Oh, sorry honey....your father is playing his Ray Stevens tape again.

 

Three of your four friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned, the tailgate wouldn't open.

 

We are all looking forward to seeing you soon. Oh! don't forget to bring the stuff for the dinner. All you should need is your reservation confirmation. I think it's funny you should ever need that, but Denny's gets busy too I guess.

 

Love,

 

Your Ma

 

P. S. I was gonna send some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

[Alloy Dave]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Patrick Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

 

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Patrick's wife. Who will it be?"

 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

 

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him," says Gallagher

 

[68fastback]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Patrick Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

 

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Patrick's wife. Who will it be?"

 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

 

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him," says Gallagher

 

 

 

Oh, dave, that one's great!!! Just read it my wife... she's still cunvulsing slightly but she'll be ok....

 

-------------------------------------------

 

ok, time for a lymerick

 

 

There once was a gal name o' Jill

Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill

They found her vagina in North Carolina

And bits of her t*ts in Brazil

 

<ouch!>

[RUFDRAFT]

Let's see how sober you are! :bandance:

 

(I've put this on the "board" during final exams and have told them 5 pts for a correct answer)

 

What's another word for synonym?

 

You have 15 secs.

[68fastback]

 

What's another word for synonym?

 

 

 

well at least they're both nouns

 

 

ok, I give up...

.

[rpretzel]

Let's see how sober you are! :bandance:

 

(I've put this on the "board" during final exams and have told them 5 pts for a correct answer)

 

What's another word for synonym?

 

You have 15 secs.

 

 

There is no synonym for synonym

[RUFDRAFT]

Very good!

 

A synonym is a word that means the same as another - like Shelby & Excessive!

[68fastback]

There is no synonym for synonym

 

I suspect you are correct...

 

I always liked the clever definition I once saw for "recursive" in the glossary of a software technical manual. It said:

 

Recursive: see "recursive"

[Alloy Dave]

Very good!

 

A synonym is a word that means the same as another - like Shelby & Excessive!

 

Synonym reminds me of acronyms. Does anyone know what these acronyms mean? I'll post answers within about 45 minutes:

 

Laser

Acronym (yes, believe it or not, acronym is in itself an acronym)

Swat (as in the police swat team)

Tips (as in what you leave at a restaurant)

 

First person to get them all right gets to abuse RUF verbally for 15 seconds.

 

Dave

[68fastback]

There is no synonym for synonym

 

...and there is no antonym for antonym (or a synonym for antonym, or an antonym for synonym)

 

...nor is there a homonym for homonym (or a synonym for homonym, or a homonym for synonym)

 

...or a pseudonym for pseudonym, but there is a synonym for pseudonym, as in anonym, but no anonyms for anonym or pseudonym or synonym or homonym or antonym unless people have taken an odd nom de guerre which would also be a synonym for pseudonym if it were a single word.

 

...and why isn't palendrome a palendrome? You would think that, by way of example, it should be that way! I guess mom, dad, pop and sis were already taken and "Poor Dan is in a droop" was too long. Did ya know some sick puppy actually wrote a whole friggin novel that was a palendrome?!!! My head hurts just thinking about that...

 

...now... if we break down the word synonym... (...starting to sound like a Carlin routine!)

 

I'm tired now... need Motrin... (for which there's no synonym, but there is a generic substitute.... Ibuprofin which has no.... sheesh! [imploding -- fooop!] ;-)

 

< also, see posts #91 & 97 for corrections/comments on the above ;-) >

 

Very good!

 

A synonym is a word that means the same as another - like Shelby & Excessive!

.

 

Ahh, like Challenger and vaporware!

 

.

[Alloy Dave]

 

...and why isn't palendrome a palendrome? You would think that, by way of example, it should be that way! I guess mom, dad, pop and sis were already taken and "Poor Dan is in a droop" was too long. Did ya know some sick puppy actually wrote a whole friggin novel that was a palendrome?!!! My head hurts just thinking about that...

 

.

 

I have a dyslexic brother named otto.

[68fastback]

Synonym reminds me of acronyms. Does anyone know what these acronyms mean? I'll post answers within about 45 minutes:

 

Laser

Acronym (yes, believe it or not, acronym is in itself an acronym)

Swat (as in the police swat team)

Tips (as in what you leave at a restaurant)

 

First person to get them all right gets to abuse RUF verbally for 15 seconds.

 

Dave

 

LASER = Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation

SWAT = Special Weapons and Tactics

TIP = To Insure Promptness

ACRONYM = (???)

SCUBA = Self-Contained Underwater Brathing Apparatus

 

CHALLENGER = Chrysler Has Lots of Leaks to Ensure No GT500s Revel

CAMARO = Chevy's Absent Marque AlReady Obsolete

FORD = Fullsize Overdue Rear Drive

[RUFDRAFT]

Sweet Baby Jesus - I Knew I shouldn't have opened up That can of worms.

 

You guys show no mercy!

 

So I walked into this storage place that said it was a "Mini-Storage" facility. I asked them if I could store a really big box there.

 

Ads sometimes say, "Prices starting at $59.99" Okay - what do they end at?

 

(You better laugh - this is my material! - not some joke book!)

 

My daughter will say to me, "I'm taking a shower." I'll ask her where she's taking it.

 

When I ask wifey how's she's doing - she used to say, "I'm good." And I'd say, "At what?"

 

Ah, life with Ruf! :bandance:

[68fastback]

Ya know what ticks me off?

No, but if you hum a few bars...

<bod a bing>

 

 

The square root of 69 is... hmmm... eight something....

 

 

Ya know why there are so many Irish?

Their capital is always Dublin'

 

 

Toughest jobs in the world:

-Wheeling West Virginia

-Flushing New York

and...

-Making a lightweight Mustang

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(You better laugh - this is my material! - not some joke book!)

 

 

Do I sense an insinuation here? ;-)

.

[Alloy Dave]

LASER = Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation

SWAT = Special Weapons and Tactics

TIP = To Insure Promptness

ACRONYM = (???)

SCUBA = Self-Contained Underwater Brathing Apparatus

 

CHALLENGER = Chrysler Has Lots of Leaks to Ensure No GT500s Revel

CAMARO = Chevy's Absent Marque AlReady Obsolete

FORD = Fullsize Overdue Rear Drive

 

Very good fastback. Acronym = A Contrived Reduction Of Nouns Yielding Mnemonics

 

Say that 5 times fast!

 

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

 

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

 

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

 

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

 

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

 

:huh:

[68fastback]

Very good fastback. Acronym = A Contrived Reduction Of Nouns Yielding Mnemonics

 

Say that 5 times fast!

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

 

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

 

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

 

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

 

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

 

:huh:

 

 

Good one, Dave....

 

and ACRONYM... wow! ya learn something new every day... ;-)

.

 

Hey, what's happened to RUF? His daily post count has fallen under 20/day! At this rate he won't quite make 5,000 by Christmas ;-) Bryan, hello... you ok, buddy? If you see him, he'll be the guy with all those little black plastic keys crazyglued to his fingers.... ;-) :bandance: