stormeaston Posted December 19, 2007 Report Share Posted December 19, 2007 Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormeaston Posted December 20, 2007 Report Share Posted December 20, 2007 What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormeaston Posted December 20, 2007 Report Share Posted December 20, 2007 *_Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin_* If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin . If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin . If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too pricey," you might live in Wisconsin . If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wisconsin . If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin . If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin . If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin . If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin . If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin. If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett," you might live in Wisconsin. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin . If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha , Menomonie & Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin . If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Wisconsin. If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters,"....you might live in Wisconsin . YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN: 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend. 3. You measure distance in hours. 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once. 5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. 6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday. 7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals). 9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison. 11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them. 12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time. 13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 15. You refer to the Packers as "we." 16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. 18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau. 19. You consider Minneapolis exotic. 20. You know how to polka. 21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 23. Down South to you means Illinois . 24. A brat is something you eat. 25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. 26. You go out to fish fry every Friday 27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly." 30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wisconsin friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1badsho Posted December 20, 2007 Report Share Posted December 20, 2007 funny but harsh santa letter ... *readers beware* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kstrong Posted December 20, 2007 Report Share Posted December 20, 2007 :happy feet: Is that from Trailer Park Boys? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kstrong Posted December 20, 2007 Report Share Posted December 20, 2007 Of all the times to post my 900th. :beerchug: :bandance: :party2: :banana piano: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
07TungGT500Cpe Posted December 20, 2007 Report Share Posted December 20, 2007 Alloy Dave is sitting at a local bar having a well deserved beer when the guy sitting next to him falls off the bar stool onto the floor. The bartender asks Dave to help him lift the guy back onto the bar stool. Sure enough the guy falls again flat on his face. The bartender looks at Dave and says, "Would you do Herb here a hugh favor and help him get to his home that is two doors away? I think he has had plenty to drink. Awh come on, its only two doors down," pleads the bartender to Dave's perplexed look. Well, Alloy lifts the guy and heads for the door and is dragging the guys feet along the way. He gets the guy to the front of his house and stands him up and leans him against a fence post as Dave tries to open the gate. Bam! Herb hits the ground. "Shit!" Dave says to himself while thinking this guy is wasted. Dave trudges along and gets to the guy's front steps, stands him up and leans him against a porch column while he rings the door bell, and Bam! there goes Herb again. At that moment Herb's wife opens the door and tells Dave, "Oh thank you so much for helping Herb get home. He does like to drink a little but did you happen to see his wheel chair? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
07alloyGT Posted December 20, 2007 Report Share Posted December 20, 2007 funny but harsh santa letter ... *readers beware* This is just plain wrong But I'm roflmao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 Alloy Dave is sitting at a local bar having a well deserved beer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. In our city, we actually have a day in the spring called "pothole day". You call the city before noon, and within 24 hours they have the pothole fixed. Imagine trying that in New York or Atlanta. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted December 21, 2007 Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. In our city, we actually have a day in the spring called "pothole day". You call the city before noon, and within 24 hours they have the pothole fixed. Imagine trying that in New York or Atlanta. Helps that you only have 5 miles of paved roads in Goat country. Glad you FINALLY got your first stoplight last year! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 Helps that you only have 5 miles of paved roads in Goat country. Glad you FINALLY got your first stoplight last year! We ARE getting our first parking garage...400 spots in it. We still have parking meters that take pennies. Seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted December 21, 2007 Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 We ARE getting our first parking garage...400 spots in it. We still have parking meters that take pennies. Seriously. At least you don't have crabs on every street corner. THAT would be weird for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 If Excel Were a Car... · It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You'd just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again. · Occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too. · You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car. · You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do. · There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills. · You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: "This car has performed an illegal operation." · Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, "Are you sure?" · Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing. · A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormeaston Posted December 21, 2007 Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY! In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rpretzel Posted December 21, 2007 Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 Probably wasn't the same elephant :hysterical2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 :hysterical2: I hate it when that happens. That's actually a joke I've never heard...which is rare. Someone told one earlier on this thread about a Russian submarine captain...and that one is my favorite I've learned on this thread. I use it all the time now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted December 22, 2007 Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 Ruf and Ruffles, many many years in the future... Ruf leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?" "Oh Ruf, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but very good idea!" There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. Ruffles lifts her skirt and the Ruf drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, Ruf moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. :hyper: This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing. "I've got to ask them what their secret is." As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Ruf says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carnut Posted December 22, 2007 Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 Ruf will get a charge out this when he reads it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 Ruf says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." Ok Joe, you reminded me of this one.... A young man and woman get married and go on their honeymoon. They are staying in a luxury hotel on the 3rd floor of an historic, romantic old hotel in the honeymoon suite. After their long day, they sat down on the edge of the bed together and looked in each others' eyes. The wife saw something in her new husband's eyes...so she asked him... Wife: What's wrong honey? Husband (lowering his head): I'm so embarrassed, I don't even know how to tell you. Wife: We must trust each other in marriage...please tell me. Husband: Well, here we are on the night of our honeymoon, and it's time to consummate our marriage, and ... Wife: Go on Husband: Well dear, I don't know how. I'm a virgin. Wife (big sigh of relief): Oh honey, I'm so glad you told me. All day long I've been so nervous about tonight. Because.... Husband: Go on dear Wife: I too am a virgin...so I have no idea how to go about this either. But it's ok my love...we'll learn together. They both laughed about this little secret they'd each held. But after a few minutes, she looked at him and said... Wife: So what should we do? Husband: I don't know. Long pause.... Husband: I have an idea. How about you stand over there by the window. And I'll stand here by the door. I'll turn out the lights, we'll both take our clothes off, we'll run together and meet in the middle!!!! Wife: Ok, sounds like a good plan. So the husband stands by the door, the wife by the window, they turn out the lights and disrobe. Husband: 1.....2........3.....GO! There's the pitter-patter of feet on the floor, then a loud crash. The next thing the husband knows he's awakening on the street naked, three stories below, with paramedics around him, cuts from the window glass on his body. His first thoughts turn to his new bride...so he grabs the paramedic by the arm.... Husband: (panicked): What about my wife? Is she ok? Paramedic: ......... "She'll be fine, as soon as we pry her off the doorknob." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted December 22, 2007 Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted December 22, 2007 Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 ok, no ofense meant to anyone here, but this one is just to funny... THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON... A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice." (bada-bing!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted December 22, 2007 Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 Blone joke... A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and Help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns To her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, .. . . . . "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted December 22, 2007 Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 Of all the times to post my 900th. :beerchug: :bandance: :party2: :banana piano: At least you don't have crabs on every street corner. THAT would be weird for sure. So - like What? You don't think I know who you're talking about? I WASHED MY CAR IN MY DRIVEWAY TODAY IN A BEEPIN' TEE SHIRT :happy feet: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted December 22, 2007 Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 Ruf and Ruffles, many many years in the future... Ruf leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?" "Oh Ruf, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but very good idea!" There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. Ruffles lifts her skirt and the Ruf drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, Ruf moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. :hyper: This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing. "I've got to ask them what their secret is." As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Ruf says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." See? This is why you didn't get your 'ing Ribs Now pick up that pencil for me and I'll show you who's an "old guy." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted December 23, 2007 Report Share Posted December 23, 2007 So - like What? You don't think I know who you're talking about? I WASHED MY CAR IN MY DRIVEWAY TODAY IN A BEEPIN' TEE SHIRT :happy feet: I shoveled the driveway, again. That's almost the same thing, no?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted December 23, 2007 Report Share Posted December 23, 2007 See? This is why you didn't get your 'ing Ribs Now pick up that pencil for me and I'll show you who's an "old guy." I was wondering how long before you read that... Next time, I expect a full rack... hickory smoked, heavy on the dry rub, light on the sauce. Chop chop!! Oh, and according to your Viagra thread I probably don't have anything to worry about when getting that pencil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
07alloyGT Posted December 23, 2007 Report Share Posted December 23, 2007 THE HUSBAND STORE A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives who love sex. The second floor has wives who love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted December 23, 2007 Report Share Posted December 23, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
07alloyGT Posted December 23, 2007 Report Share Posted December 23, 2007 If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!). 1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. 2. Remove your laptop. 3. Start up 4. Make sure the guy, who is annoying you, can see the screen. 5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. 6. Then hit this link: http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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