Jokes

[Alloy Dave]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

 

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

 

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

 

I ran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

 

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

 

Postal S ervice raises price of first class stamp to $17.8 9 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

 

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

 

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

 

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

 

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

 

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

 

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

 

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

 

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 .

 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

 

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

 

and one of my own....

 

New Mustang to have 1200 HP, 8 speed manual, all wheel drive, independent rear suspension, but fuel economy is poor enough that a Plutonium Guzzler Tax will be assessed.

[Alloy Dave]

Young gunfighter

 

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

 

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

 

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"Sure will," replied the old-timer..

 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

 

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

 

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

 

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

 

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it."

 

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your , and it won't hurt as much."

 

[68fastback]

Well, I was wondering why the joke thread was dead! It isn't, just my SU Subscription got screwed up again somehow ...oh well...

 

here's one...

 

 

ANGER MANAGEMENT... ;-)

 

Are you pissed off? Take it out on someone! But don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

 

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

 

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

 

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ass hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ass hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ass hole!" It always cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'ass hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

 

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ass hole!" and hung up.

 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial ), I thought that I'd better call the BMW ass hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

 

He said, "Yes, it is."

 

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

 

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax . It's a yellow ambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

 

I asked, "What's your name?"

 

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

 

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

 

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

 

He said, "Yes?"

 

I said, "Don, you're an ass hole!" and I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ass holes to call.

 

Then I came up with an idea. I called ass hole #1. He said, "Hello."

 

I said, "You're an ass hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

 

He asked, "Are you still there?"

 

I said, "Yeah,"

 

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

 

I said, "Make me,"

 

He asked, "Who are you?"

 

I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

 

I said, "Ass hole, I live at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

 

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

 

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ass hole," and hung up.

 

Then I called Ass hole #2.

 

He said, "Hello?"

 

I said, "Hello, ass hole,"

 

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

 

I said, "You'll what?"

 

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

 

I answered, "Well, ass hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

 

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak tree Blvd. in Fairfax

 

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two ass holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

 

NOW I feel much better. ;-)

Anger management really does work.

 

[Alloy Dave]

After the response I made on the Mustang II forum....I thought I should give some humor in reference to Roman Numerals....

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GhQWeZSg9U

 

[RStangsOC]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

 

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Alloy Dave]

[ati]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?

 

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?

 

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

 

Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would!? We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

 

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

 

The boy replied "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

 

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[07TungGT500Cpe]

Well, I was wondering why the joke thread was dead! It isn't, just my SU Subscription got screwed up again somehow ...oh well...

 

here's one...

 

 

ANGER MANAGEMENT... ;-)

 

 

NOW I feel much better. ;-)

Anger management really does work.

 

Remind me not to piss you off!

[07TungGT500Cpe]

 

A guy goes to the doctor to complain about a sore elbow. Doctor says no problem but he will need a urine analysis before proceeding so he gives the guy a cup and sends him home.

 

The guy is thinking that the doctor is nuts and what the hell is a urine test going to tell reference the pain in my elbow.

 

Guy gets home after driving all of the way thinking about this urine analysis and getting worked-up when he meets up with his dog in the yard and manages to gets some of the dog's urine in the cup. He then proceeds into the house runs into his daughter and asks her to add a squirt. Does the same thing with his wife and son and then tops off the thing with some of his own urine.

 

The guy heads back to the doctor the next day thinking let's see what kind of BS he's going to tell me with this urine sample. He hands it to the assistent who does some tests and the doctor calls the guy into his office after about a half hour.

 

The doctor calmly looks at the results and tells the guy with a squint in his eyes, "Well, it looks like your dog has gonorrhea, your wife is starting menopuase, your daughter is pregnant, your son is taking drugs, and if you don't quit masturbating that pain in your elbow won't go away!"

[68fastback]

Remind me not to piss you off!

 

 

 

:P

 

;-)

[68fastback]

HOW SPIN WORKS...

 

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher,

 

discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham,

 

was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

 

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.

 

On the back of the picture is this inscription:

 

'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885,

escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

 

 

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.

 

Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the

following biographical sketch:

 

Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory.

 

His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets

 

and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

 

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at

a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

 

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the

renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

 

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

 

 

And THAT is how it's done folks!

[07TungGT500Cpe]

There is a drunk sitting at the head table of a dance hall in front of the band when he suddenly yells up at the band leader and asks him to "Play jue picka, man!"

 

The band members look at each other, shrug their shoulders and fire-up another country and western song, and when finished, the drunk yells out again, "Play jue picka, man!"

 

The band leader leans over to the other band members who all shrug their shoulders, and the band leader tells the drunk, "Look sir, we are not trying to avoid you but none of us have ever heard the song "Jue Picka". However, maybe if you sing a few bars, we might be able to figure I out."

 

"Sure," says the drunk and he sings out, "Jue picka a fine time to leave me Lucille...." (hint: Kenny Rodgers)

[rpretzel]

"Sure," says the drunk and he sings out, "Jue picka a fine time to leave me Lucille...." (hint: Kenny Rodgers)

 

...with 400 children and a crop in the field.

[ati]

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.

 

 

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

 

 

 

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

 

 

 

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

 

 

 

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'

 

 

 

The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

 

 

 

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

 

 

 

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

[oldimp]

A Short Love Story

 

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

 

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying :

 

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

 

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

 

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

 

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f...ing blanket."

 

 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[rpretzel]

 

[Joe G]

 

[07alloyGT]

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of

a huge crowd.

 

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make

it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know

that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the

crowd go wild?"

 

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and

cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

 

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers

what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one

little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with

joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects,

but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day

and rejoice."

 

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your

hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

 

So the Pope slapped her.

[Joe G]

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of

a huge crowd.

 

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make

it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know

that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the

crowd go wild?"

 

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and

cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

 

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers

what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one

little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with

joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects,

but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day

and rejoice."

 

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your

hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

 

So the Pope slapped her.

 

[Alloy Dave]

Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

Alan....

 

[07TungGT500Cpe]

There is this midget about 3 feet in height that walks into a bar and goes up to the bar. The 6'-4" bartender looks over the bar and sees the midget trying to get up on the bar stool, reaches over the bar and pulls up the midget by the cuff of his shirt and places him into the bar stool.

 

"Well, how can I help you little man?" says the bartender.

 

The midget says, "Can I please have a beer?"

 

"Why sure little man, here," says the bartender as he places a beer in front of the midget. "Is there anything else little man?"

 

"Well, as a matter of fact there is," says the midget, and asks, "Are you a betting man?"

 

"Well, I've been known to make a bet every now and then, why what do you have?" says the bartender.

 

The midget looks up at the bartender and says, "I bet you $100 dollars that I can bite my eye."

 

"What?" exclaims the bartender. "You are going to bite your eye but how do I know you don't have false teeth?"

 

"I will not use false teeth, and I can bite my eye." "Okay, you have a bet little man, go!" says the bartender.

 

The midget proceeds to take out a glass eye and firmly chomps down on the same, and charges the bartender the $100.

 

A little while later the midget asks for another beer, and the bartender quickly slams one down in front of the midget as the bartender glares at the same obviously perturbed.

 

The midget proceeds to ask the bartender if he is a betting man, and the bartender a rather annoyed says, "I think that has already been established. What have you got this time!"

 

"I bet you $100 dollar that I can bite myself in the butt any place you point out!"

 

"Any place I point out?" asks the bartender as he looks over the midget's behind and adds, "but you can't take off your pants and pull out fake cheeks. Bite yourself right here.""

 

The midget pulls out a pair of false teeth and bites himself exactly where the bartender had indicated.

 

Boy the bartender is really pissed now, slams another beer in front of the midget and says, "Well what's the matter? You don't have another bet?"

 

"As a matter of fact I do, "says the midget. "I bet you $300 dollars that I can stand toe-to-toe with you while facing each other, and piss up and over your head without getting a drop on you."

 

"Oh come on you dwarf, you are going to stand toe-to-toe and piss over my head without getting a drop on me? "exclaims the 6'-4" bartender. "You've got a bet!"

 

The midget and bartender proceed to stand toe-to-toe while the midget pulls out his little member and shoots a stream right into the face of the bartender.

 

The bartender starts laughing, as does the midget, both laughing at the top of their lungs but then the bartender says, "Phew, phew, wait a minute you runt. You just pissed all over my face, lost $300 dollars, what is so funny?"

 

"Well," says the midget, "You see that table over there with those four guys?"

 

"Yeah," says the bartender.

 

"Well," says the midget, " I bet them $1000 dollars that I could piss in your face and we would both laugh about it!"

 

 

 

edited for spelling.

[07alloyGT]

If Santa answered letters honestly:

 

 

Deer Santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

 

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a

career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can

learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother 2 space rangers.

At least he can spell.

Santa

----------------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace

and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked a lot of pot when they had you didn't they?

Santa

----------------

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

 

Dear Teddy,

Look pal, your dad is banging the babysitter like a screen door in a

hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your

frigid, fat mom who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that

dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build

yourself a family with those.

Santa

----------------

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum

kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

 

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa

----------------

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for

your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

 

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when

riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words: Jack

Daniels.

Santa

----------------

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Lee

 

Dear Lee,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. I on the other

hand have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making

low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing

the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing significant amounts of

money at the craps table.

Santa

P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.

----------------

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,

like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

 

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do Blondie. I'm

skipping your house.

Santa

----------------

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE

PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

 

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't

fly with me. You're getting an ugly sweater. Again.

Santa

----------------

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

 

Mark,

First off, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your

ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a

low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just

like all the burglars do - through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

[Alloy Dave]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

 

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

 

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

 

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

 

"Moses," replied the bird.

 

"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[Joe G]

19 ways to keep a healthy level of Insanity

 

 

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

 

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

 

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

 

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

 

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

 

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

 

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

 

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

 

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

 

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

 

12. Sing along at the opera.

 

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

 

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

 

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

 

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

 

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

 

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

 

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

[68fastback]

20. Spend all of your spare time reading jokes on Stangs Unleashed

 

;-)

[Joe G]

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR

 

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

 

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

 

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

 

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

 

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

 

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

 

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

 

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

 

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

 

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

 

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

 

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

 

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

 

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

 

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

 

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

 

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

 

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

 

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

 

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

 

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

 

23) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

 

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

 

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

 

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

[Joe G]

Minnesotans and When Hell Freezes Over

 

When Hell freezes over:

 

Two guys from International Falls die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

 

Oh no, we're from nordern Minnesota, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."

 

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

 

Again the two guys reply, "Vell, like we told you yesterday, we're from nordern Minnesota, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."

 

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Minnesota and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself."

 

The two Minnesotans reply, "Vell, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up dere in International Falls, we've just got to have a fish fry when the weathers this nice." The devil is absolutely furious,he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer.

 

The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

 

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Minnesotans. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumb founded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

 

The Minnesotans look at the devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya know, If hell froze over dat must mean da Vikings won da super bowl."

[BlackBeauty]

Subject: First Graders

 

 

 

There have been a couple of generations in the last sixty years that have

missed the boat, but this group isn't one of them.

 

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her

class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well

known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their

insight may surprise you.

 

 

While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds,

because the last one is a classic!

 

 

1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the................................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never under estimate the power of .....termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ....... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ...... ..............looks dirty.

7. No news is......................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ...................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new .......... math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .........stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ................................me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ..............pigs.

13. An idle mind is................................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's .............pollution.

15. Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is .............................not much

17. Two's company, three's ................... the Musketeers

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you have to blow

your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ................... Stevie Wonder .

21. Children should be see n and not ............spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ............... ...get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ...... see in the picture on the

box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ...................... get out of the way.

 

And the WINNER and last one

 

25. Better late than.................................... pregnant

[ati]

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

 

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

 

 

The policewoman replied, "It has your picture on it."

 

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

 

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[07alloyGT]

Minnesotans and When Hell Freezes Over:

 

The Minnesotans look at the devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya know, If hell froze over dat must mean da Vikings won da super bowl."

 

That would be a major miracle if that ever happened, just like the Cubs winning the World Series.

 

P.S. The Vikes got lucky last night.