Jokes

[kstrong]

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a

> guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a

> cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter

> the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

>

> The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some

>

> sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

>

> The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people

>

> sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the

>

> water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the

>

> plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

>

> At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The

>

> passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat

>

> into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in

>

> good hands.

>

> In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

>

> "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and

>

> we're all gonna die."

[GT500KR]

I have a real funny one but it is a .wmv, how do I post it it is 972kb

[Alloy Dave]

I have a real funny one but it is a .wmv, how do I post it it is 972kb

Photobucket

[GT500KR]

ok I'll try it

http://s217.photobucket.com/albums/cc120/N...gationMovie.flv

 

 

 

Hmm, this is going to take some getting use to.......

[Big_Slick737]

Ok :

 

A husband asks his wife " Honey tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad at the same time :

 

His wife thinks for a min and responds : " At least your is bigger than your brothers "

 

 

 

 

[NCStangFanatic]

 

[07alloyGT]

ok I'll try it

http://s217.photobucket.com/albums/cc120/N...gationMovie.flv

Hmm, this is going to take some getting use to.......

Sick & wrong, but HILARIOUS!!

[07alloyGT]

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been

married.

 

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her

quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a

cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a

condom!

 

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer

resist.

 

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the

Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[ati]

Harley-Davidson vs God

 

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

 

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

 

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley- Davidson motorcycle?"Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

 

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"God said, " Ah, yes". "Well ," said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

 

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

 

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

 

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

 

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

 

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!"

 

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

 

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[GT500KR]

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

 

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

 

Ok now relax you BMW freaks, it's just a joke

[Alloy Dave]

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

 

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Ok now relax you BMW freaks, it's just a joke

LOL...I've heard that one but on Porsches.

 

Here's one...

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

 

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

 

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.

 

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

 

They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

 

The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

 

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice! to every guy you meet? " "No" she replies. . . . . . . "

 

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

[GT500KR]

Good one!

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

 

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

 

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

Women are so much smarter than men.

 

 

(don't let this go to your head girls).........Yes you! :lol2:

[Alloy Dave]

Copied/pasted:

 

THE 6 BEST SMART-ASS ANSWERS OF 2006:

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the tic ket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead".

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoe ver!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

[GT500KR]

#3 and answer of the year

(last one) had me in stitches :lol2:

[Alloy Dave]

Cut and pasted:

 

******

Are you pissed off? Take it out on someone! But don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

 

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

 

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

 

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ass hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ass hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ass hole!" It always cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'ass hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

 

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ass hole!" and hung up.

 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial ), I thought that I'd better call the BMW ass hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

 

He said, "Yes, it is."

 

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

 

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax . It's a yellow ambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

 

I asked, "What's your name?"

 

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

 

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

 

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

 

He said, "Yes?"

 

I said, "Don, you're an ass hole!" and I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ass holes to call.

 

Then I came up with an idea. I called ass hole #1. He said, "Hello."

 

I said, "You're an ass hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

 

He asked, "Are you still there?"

 

I said, "Yeah,"

 

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

 

I said, "Make me,"

 

He asked, "Who are you?"

 

I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

 

I said, "Ass hole, I live at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

 

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

 

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ass hole," and hung up.

 

Then I called Ass hole #2.

 

He said, "Hello?"

 

I said, "Hello, ass hole,"

 

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

 

I said, "You'll what?"

 

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

 

I answered, "Well, ass hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

 

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak tree Blvd. in Fairfax

 

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two ass holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

 

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[Joe G]

Watch out Dave... I have your phone number on speed dial.

 

hole!

 

 

[Alloy Dave]

Copy/pasted:

 

****

*I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

*I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

 

*I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

*I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

 

*I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

 

*I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

*Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

*Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

*I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

 

*I no long er drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

 

*I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

 

*And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face..disfiguring me for life.

 

*I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

 

*I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

*I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they ar e actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

 

*I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

 

*I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan

 

*I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

 

*I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

 

*Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it

bites my butt.

 

*Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything

 

*And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester

waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

 

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

 

*I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

 

*If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diar rhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

[Alloy Dave]

http://boredtodeath.co.uk/vid524.php

 

[GT500KR]

http://boredtodeath.co.uk/vid524.php

 

 

 

Subject: The Polite way to Pee

 

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,

asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a

date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that

you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to

go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and

impolite.

 

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am

sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at

the dinner table.

 

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your

good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a

moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I

hope to introduce you to after dinner."

 

The teacher fainted...

[GT500KR]

Heres another one, The women will like this one

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 

For all of us who are married, were married, wish

You were married, or wish you weren't married, this

Is something to smile about the next time you see a

Bottle of wine:

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business

Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly

Navajo woman walking on the side of the road .

 

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped

The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like

A ride.

 

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into

The car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make

A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old

Woman just sat silently, looking intently at

EVERYTHING she saw, studying every little detail,

Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to

Sally.

 

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

 

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's

A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or

Two.

 

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,

She said:

 

 

 

"Good trade....."

[brianspony]

Here's one for all you Yankee fans.

 

A family of Yankee fans headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday.

 

While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and would like to get this jersey for my birthday".

 

His older sister is outraged by this and whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother".

 

The boy finds his mother and he asks, "Mom I have decided to become a Red Sox fan and would like to get this jersey for my birthday".

 

His mother is outraged by this and whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to your dad".

 

The boy finds his dad and asks, "Dad I have decided to become a Red Sox fan and would like to get this jersey for my birthday".

 

His dad is outraged by this and he whacks him upside his head and tells his son, "No son of mine will ever be seen wearing such a jersey and tells his son to go wait in the car".

 

About an hour later on their way home the dad turns to his son and says, "Son I hope you have learned something today?"

 

His son says, "Yes Dad I have."

 

Good! And what was it you learned?"

 

The son replies, " I've only been a Red Sox fan for a little over an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards!!!!!"

[GT500KR]

As I read I was thinking to myself. Self, Where is he going with this? Good one!

[07alloyGT]

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

 

The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

 

The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

 

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match."

 

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

 

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

 

"This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

 

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

 

"How can there be bad news" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

[07alloyGT]

Veterinary Classes...A good lesson in paying attention!

 

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow (as opposed to a fake dead cow????). They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white

sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[07alloyGT]

the Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

 

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1. Thank you for reading this.

 

I was asked about the womens rules, but since we all know that they get made up as needed, they cannot be easily recorded.

[Alloy Dave]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known Lover's Lane spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

 

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

 

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer

magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat,

knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the

car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his

window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

 

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

 

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And

her, what is she doing?"

 

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover

sweater."

 

Now, the cop is totally confused. A youn g couple. Alone, in a car, at

night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

 

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

 

The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

 

The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"

 

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11

minutes."

 

[07TungGT500Cpe]

The little old drunk is sitting at the bar when this young lady comes in and raises her arm high into the air exposing the hairest arm pit ever seen while shouting out, "Who wants to buy me drink? Who wants to buy me a drink?"

 

The drunk raises his head calls the bartender over and tells him, "Give the ballarina a drink."

 

A little later the young lady repeats the same raising of her arm with the hairy armpit and exclaims, "Who wants to buy me drink?"

 

The drunk raises his head from the bar again and waves the bartender over and tells him to , "Give the ballarina a drink."

 

The bartender says, "Excuse me sir but do you know this lady?" The drunk says no, and the bartender asks him, "Well then how do you know she is a ballarina?"

 

The drunk looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hell son, any women that can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[Alloy Dave]

The little old drunk is sitting at the bar when this young lady comes in and raises her arm high into the air exposing the hairest arm pit ever seen while shouting out, "Who wants to buy me drink? Who wants to buy me a drink?"

 

The drunk raises his head calls the bartender over and tells him, "Give the ballarina a drink."

 

A little later the young lady repeats the same raising of her arm with the hairy armpit and exclaims, "Who wants to buy me drink?"

 

The drunk raises his head from the bar again and waves the bartender over and tells him to , "Give the ballarina a drink."

 

The bartender says, "Excuse me sir but do you know this lady?" The drunk says no, and the bartender asks him, "Well then how do you know she is a ballarina?"

 

The drunk looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hell son, any women that can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[07TungGT500Cpe]

There's this little drunk sitting at the bar when this very obese woman walks in with a duck under her arm. As she waddles up to the bar and asks for a beer, the drunk looks at her through one eye and asks, "Hey, where did you get the pig?"

 

"It's not a pig; it's a duck!", exclaims the woman.

 

"I was talking to the duck," slures the drunk.

[Alloy Dave]

Comments by patients during Colonoscopies

 

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. .... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

 

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6 "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7 . "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"