Jokes

[RUFDRAFT]

Speaking of Willie Nelson....

 

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards?

 

The guy gets back his wife, his job, and his car.

 

[Alloy Dave]

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new

Honda. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

WTF?

[Alloy Dave]

Waiver: I am not expressing any opinion about the war or any particular political party in this post. This is a joke.

 

Hillary Clinton was on a plane to Texas and finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat.

 

Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

 

"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

 

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know, "says Hillary with a hint of sarcasm, "How about Iraq ?"

 

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the Hillary's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first --

 

"Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton's replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

 

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know sh :censored:it ?"

[500HP GT]

[mad103]

Waiver: I am not expressing any opinion about the war or any particular political party in this post. This is a joke.

 

Hillary Clinton was on a plane to Texas and finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat.

 

Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

 

"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

 

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know, "says Hillary with a hint of sarcasm, "How about Iraq ?"

 

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the Hillary's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first --

 

"Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton's replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

 

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know sh :censored:it ?"

 

lol

[500HP GT]

[Alloy Dave]

I think someone posted this before, but it's so funny I thought it was worth another look.

 

 

http://www.123games.dk/funstuff/flashmovie...nycartoons3.php

[07alloyGT]

I think someone posted this before, but it's so funny I thought it was worth another look.

 

 

http://www.123games.dk/funstuff/flashmovie...nycartoons3.php

[rpretzel]

I think someone posted this before, but it's so funny I thought it was worth another look.

 

 

http://www.123games.dk/funstuff/flashmovie...nycartoons3.php

 

[rpretzel]

Now THIS is FUNNY!!!

 

Source: FoxNews.com

vick_law_suit.pdf

vick_law_suit.pdf

[500HP GT]

No Offense lawdude but just heard this one and had to pass it on....

 

A lawyer slows down and rolls through a stop sign. The policeman pulls him over and starts writing him a ticket. The lawyer begins to argue that what he did was just as safe as coming to a complete stop. He told the policeman he would pay the ticket if he could convince him otherwise. The policeman grabbed his billy club and started beating the crap out of the lawyer and asked, "Do you want me to stop or slow down."

 

 

[Alloy Dave]

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

 

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

 

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and Then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

 

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

 

"Well, they are here, and you could have,"

 

Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform he re," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

 

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

 

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

 

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

 

 

[SexyStang]

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

 

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

 

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and Then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

 

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

 

"Well, they are here, and you could have,"

 

Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform he re," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

 

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

 

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

 

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

 

 

 

[kstrong]

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

 

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

 

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and Then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

 

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

 

"Well, they are here, and you could have,"

 

Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform he re," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

 

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

 

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

 

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

:happy feet: I Like this one. :happy feet:

[Alloy Dave]

:happy feet: I Like this one. :happy feet:

If you like it, you have a sick mind

 

 

Just like me.

[Alloy Dave]

 

http://www.dailymotion.com/visited/tag/car..._dmcpenguinjoke

[Alloy Dave]

This is my favorite comic...Stephen Wright....

 

I don't know how to drive an automatic.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYffXv7jMYQ

[Alloy Dave]

Part II coming shortly.

 

[kaylan1521]

Guy goes hunting with his buddy. They're standing in the bush when his buddy 1 say's

"I can see your house and your wife is cheating on you again, and with the same guy."

 

Buddy 2 says

"I am so tired of this! Tell you what, shoot her in the head and him in the privates!"

 

Buddy 2 says

"ok, but I can get that in one shot"

[Alloy Dave]

Guy goes hunting with his buddy. They're standing in the bush when his buddy 1 say's

"I can see your house and your wife is cheating on you again, and with the same guy."

 

Buddy 2 says

"I am so tired of this! Tell you what, shoot her in the head and him in the privates!"

 

Buddy 2 says

"ok, but I can get that in one shot"

An oldie but a goodie.

 

Here is part II

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnxB6fEyHAk...ted&search=

[1ZVHT88S]

An oldie but a goodie.

 

Here is part II

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnxB6fEyHAk...ted&search=

 

All good stuff!! How about the K-9 contest between the DEA, Secret Service and the FBI?

 

DEA dog goes first. He's gone about 10-minutes and comes back with a Kilo of cocaine in his mouth.

 

Secret Service dog goes next. He's gone about 10-minutes and comes back with a bundle of counterfeit money in his mouth.

 

FBI dog goes last. He F*^%$ks the other two dogs in the ass and holds a press conference!!!

[Alloy Dave]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty

and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for

dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you

this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told me.

 

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

 

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend

all my time trying to stay alive."

 

 

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman, "I haven't had my hair done in

20 years!"

 

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to

take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

 

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for

doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting?

 

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like

after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

[Alloy Dave]

First let me say that the Michael Vick thing was horrible. Cruelty to animals is a terrible tragedy, and is a common first step for those who end up doing even more horrific things.

 

That said, we need to keep a sense of humor about things. Here is nature's way of preventing animals from fighting.

 

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/809909/chicken_police/

[Alloy Dave]

I washed my car today...and found she had put a bumper sticker on the back.

bs4.bmp

bs4.bmp

[ati]

I washed my car today...and found she had put a bumper sticker on the back.

 

Thats cute Dave but if my wife put a bumper sticker on my Shelby I would have to kill her.

Alan

[Alloy Dave]

Thats cute Dave but if my wife put a bumper sticker on my Shelby I would have to kill her.

Alan

+1 Unless it was a bumper sticker consisting of 2 satin silver stripes that run vertically.

[GT500KR]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest on e's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

 

"I' m neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter,

 

 

 

 

"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[Alloy Dave]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest on e's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

 

"I' m neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter,

 

 

 

 

"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

 

Here's one more...

 

 

A farmer’s donkey fell into an old abandoned well and started praying mournfully. The farmer, alerted by the noise, ran over, looked down the well and saw his donkey lying there on his side. He took a few minutes to think about the situation and finally decided to fill in the well, that the donkey was just too old to attempt to try to get him out.

 

Sadly, the farmer asked his neighbors to help him shovel dirt down the old well on top of the donkey and fill it up. The neighbors shoveled and shoveled while the farmer tried to block out the pitiful sounds of the donkey coming from the well. Suddenly there was silence and after a few more shovelfuls the farmer looked down into the well and saw an amazing sight.....the donkey was up and standing on the dirt pile that was thrown down. As the dirt pile got higher the donkey kept stepping up on the dirt and pretty soon, the pile of dirt was high enough for the donkey to jump out and trot away.

 

A little while later the donkey returned and ran up to the farmer and bit him badly several times. The wounds infected rapidly and the next day the farmer died.

 

And the moral of the story is...............

 

Anytime you try to cover your ass it will come back and bite you

 

[GT500KR]

 

I love it!

[GT500KR]

And another

 

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There IS no damn problem!," the man says. "Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

 

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"