kraegar Posted October 20, 2006 Report Share Posted October 20, 2006 A guy buys a new Mustang, and decides to take a long drive out west to enjoy his new car. Out in the middle of nowhere, Arizona, he stops to get some gas, and sees a bar and hotel nearby. Deciding this would be a great place to stop for the night, he heads into the bar for a drink. The first thing he notices as he enters is the bar has an amazing view out the back, with a patio you can walk out on that overlooks a huge canyon. He sits at the bar, and orders a drink. As he sips it, he can't help but look out the back and admire the view. One of the other (obviously drunk) patrons says to him "Amazing, isn't it?" "Yes it is!" the traveller exclaims. The drunken patron smiles and explains, "You don't know the half of it. That canyon is known for its immense updrafts. They're so strong, you can step off that back patio, and the updraft will keep you from falling!" "BullSh*t! I don't believe it for a second!" says the traveller. So the patron bets him $100 that he can step off the patio and not fall. The traveller walks out on the patio, looks down at the HUGE drop, shakes his head, and says "Sure, it's your life to lose!" So they both give their money to the bartender to hold. The patron walks out onto the patio, climbs up on the railing... and steps off! To the traveller's amazement the guy just floats there for about 15 seconds, then steps back on the pation and comes back in the bar to take the money. The traveller is left speachless, and just sits there staring into his drink for a while. Later on, another stranger comes in and orders a drink. Before the patron can say anything, the traveller tells this newcomer about the updraft, and makes a $200 bet (hoping to get his money back, and more!). The newcomer of course doesn't believe him, and agrees. So the traveller goes out on the patio, steps off, and falls to his death! Not understanding what just happened, the newcomer looks to the bartender and the patron for some explanation... and the bartender just turns to the patron and says "You're a real when you're drunk, superman." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kraegar Posted October 20, 2006 Report Share Posted October 20, 2006 A magician takes a job doing his show on a cruise ship. Two shows a week, a different crowd every time. At first, he loves his new job. But then something goes wrong... one of the crew members has a talking parrot who's always at his show. After a few weeks, the parrot starts calling out the secret to the magicians tricks! "It's in his pocket!" "It's up his sleeve!" "It's a fake box!" And so on. Every trick the magician knows is being ruined by the parrot. The magician quickly starts to hate the parrot, and scowls at it every time he sees it. Eventually people start walking out of his act because the parrot's ruining it for everyone. Finally, the magician decides to quit. On the last night he's performing, he announces a special, new trick. Just as he's about to begin performing the trick, the boat hits an iceberg and tears apart. People flee the ship in chaos, but it's too little too late - the boat goes down in minutes! As the sun rises the next day the magician finds himself still alive, clinging to a bit of debree. Perched on the other side of the debree is... the parrot! Not another soul is in sight - they are the only two who survived. For three days they floated on that debree, each scowling at the other. Staring each other down. Neither saying a word. At the end of the third day, the parrot finally breaks the silence... "Allright, I give - where's the damn boat?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted October 20, 2006 Report Share Posted October 20, 2006 good one, kraegar!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kraegar Posted October 20, 2006 Report Share Posted October 20, 2006 My personal favorite joke of all time (though in this company... take it easy on me!) Every year, the presidents of all of the beer companys gather together in a small town on the East Coast for the annual Beer & Brew awards. This year was no different then any other - every major Beer manufacturer attended. After the first night of the three day event, the presidents of these companies all went out en masse to a local bar. This particular bar's claim to fame is that they have a beer on tap to represent every manufacturer & brewer that attends the Beer & Brew awards. The presidents of these companies all file in and sit down, and the waitresses come out to take drink orders. As you would expect, everyone wanted to show true brand loyalty, and ordered their drinks accordingly. (Bud light for the Pres. of Budweiser, miller light for the Pres. of Miller, Sam adams, etc etc etc) You get the idea As each person ordered everyone smiled or chuckled, like it was a little joke. The last to order was the president of Guinness. "I'll have a coke" he said. And the room went silent. Everyone turned to stare at him in disbelief! "Aren't you going to order a guinness?" Stammered someone finally. "No," he said. "If no one else is going to drink beer, then neither will I." -------------------------- - Tony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kraegar Posted October 21, 2006 Report Share Posted October 21, 2006 Recently, Ruf went to his doctor for a checkup, and his wife went along to hear how things were with her husband. The doc gave the usual post-checkup advice to Ruf "Eat better, excercise, etc". Then asked to have a word with his wife. Ruf stood patiently out of earshot as the doctor conversed with her. "Ma'am, " he said, "Your husband is in some real trouble. It's his stress level - it's through the roof! If something isn't done to lower the level of stress in his life, it's going to kill him in a month or less." "Oh no!" She replied, "Is there anything I can do?" "Well," the doc said. "It's all about reducing the stress. Make him happy and content. Wake up every morning before he does - greet him in bed with a hot breakfast. Send him to work happy and smiling, with fresh coffee. Meet him for lunch, get him out of the office and all that work. When he comes in at night, have a good home cooked meal on the table ready for him. If he has any hobbies or friends, encourage him to spend time with them. If he enjoys television, let him watch whatever he wants. If he enjoys just driving his mustang, let him go for long weekend drives - don't pester him about where he's going or who he's with. Wash and wax his car for him. Let him put any mods on it you can afford - turbocharger, brakes, suspension... whatever makes him happy! And have sex with him as often as possible - daily or more! Give him everything he's ever wanted in the bedroom! Everything! Keep him happy, and his stress level will go down, and he'll be with you for a long time." "I see." Said Ruf's wife. She turned, and walked out with Ruf, a somber look on her face. As they got outside, Ruf asked "What's wrong, you looked shocked and sad as he talked with you?" Turning to him, with a tear in her eye, she sighed, "He said you're gonne die!" ------------------------------ - Tony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted October 21, 2006 Report Share Posted October 21, 2006 Turning to him, with a tear in her eye, she sighed, "He said you're gonne die!" ------------------------------ - Tony Good adaptation, Tony --------------- Something diff: Check out this four-table pool 'shot' -- cool vid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rpretzel Posted October 31, 2006 Report Share Posted October 31, 2006 Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road... DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it. JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that! GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? Edit... RPRETZEL: To get his VIN#!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JETSOLVER Posted October 31, 2006 Report Share Posted October 31, 2006 Those are good! Jon Stewart That chicken just crapped on TV!! Steven Colbert You sure that was a chicken? Sure looked like an eagle to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19Cobra94 Posted October 31, 2006 Report Share Posted October 31, 2006 A husband comes walking naked into the bedroom, fresh from his nightly shower. His wife takes one look at him and says "not tonight I have a headache". The husband says perfect, I just finished powdering my dick with aspirin.....would you like to take it orally? Or as a suppository? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kraegar Posted October 31, 2006 Report Share Posted October 31, 2006 Two GT500 owners are out late one night, and the one says to the other "Damn, my wife's gonna kill me for being out so late. It's crazy - I can never manage to sneak in - she always knows when I come in. I even cut the engine two blocks out and coast, kill the lights from a ways out, coast in to the driveway, open up the garage door by hand, and push the car in. I take off my shoes, sneak in the house, get undressed downstairs, sneak up to our room, and quietly slip in to bed... and EVERY time... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" The other guy smiles and says "See, you're going about it all wrong. I come tearing down our street at 70, slide sideways into the driveway, corsas roaring, tires squealing, then pull in to the garage, shut the car off, and RUN upstairs to our room, jump in to bed, and say "Honey, how about a blowjob!" and funny enough, she's still sound asleep every time!" - Tony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted November 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2006 Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road... Why did the punk rocker cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted November 1, 2006 Report Share Posted November 1, 2006 . ROBERT LANE: Who cares why -- if it crossed a road it's a motor vehicle -- register today and meet chicken enthusiasts at ChickensUnleashed.com!!! <just kiddin' Robert; you know we love ya! > . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted November 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2006 Warning, some people may find the below movie disturbing. Please do not watch if you are offending by sexual innuendo, gore, or alternative lifestyles. The good news, ther are no thongs. Throughout the movie you will see a variety of clips of Chrysler drivers. Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2006 Enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grabber Posted December 1, 2006 Report Share Posted December 1, 2006 You guys will enjoy this. http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2006 You guys will enjoy this. http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/ Yes, that radio show is in Indy..and I listen to Bob and Tom every day. Good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kraegar Posted December 1, 2006 Report Share Posted December 1, 2006 Yes, that radio show is in Indy..and I listen to Bob and Tom every day. Good one. +1 Bob & Tom make up 90% of the time my car's radio is on. (I subscribe to the VIP site, download it onto my ipod, so I can listen to it on the way home, too) - Tony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2006 As RUF was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "RUF, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said RUF, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted December 31, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2006 I know this is a bit late since Christmas is over...but.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted February 2, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2007 This one is for RUF given his avatar of Woody Woodpecker: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Son of GT Posted February 2, 2007 Report Share Posted February 2, 2007 NeverSendaWomantogettheOilChanged.wmv Not exactly a joke, but funny anyway. If this works, enjoy! NeverSendaWomantogettheOilChanged.wmv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kstrong Posted February 3, 2007 Report Share Posted February 3, 2007 You guys will enjoy this. http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/ I loved that one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kstrong Posted February 3, 2007 Report Share Posted February 3, 2007 Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road...DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it. JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that! GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? Edit... RPRETZEL: To get his VIN#!!!! Nearly pissed myself! :banana piano: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted February 3, 2007 Report Share Posted February 3, 2007 Killin' me over here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grabber Posted February 3, 2007 Report Share Posted February 3, 2007 Here's a good oldy but goody. http://pageperso.aol.fr/marcbrecy/deanmartin.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted February 24, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 24, 2007 Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. "The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
okoboji Posted February 24, 2007 Report Share Posted February 24, 2007 1) Two Irish guys leave a bar early... 2) Three guys are walking down the sidewalk. Two of them walk into a bar; the third one ducks. 3) A bear & a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit & says: "Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says: "No I don't. Why?" The bear grabs the rabbit & wipes his butt with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ati Posted February 24, 2007 Report Share Posted February 24, 2007 A Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the Bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?" Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First-You have to drink t hat entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third.-There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper Tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As the night goes on, the man has a few Miller Lites, then a few more and then many more.................. Finally he asks, Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he s taggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then. . .silence! Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body! "Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
69deluxe Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 Last week, Ed forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it to find a new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted March 28, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 Last week, Ed forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it to find a new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday... Ok, I got one...it's a "little Johnny" joke...one of the many in the series. Little Johnny was in school one day, and the teacher said they were going to play a word game. She wanted a student to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Johnny was in the back waving his hand, but she didn't call on Johnny because he always said something dirty. So she called on Grabber instead. Grabber said "Studying the solar system is very fascinating." The teacher said "I'm sorry Grabber...but you used a different form of the word by adding the -ing, I'm looking for the word "fascinate". Grabber was upset , but the teacher looked around the room again. This time Johnny was even more feverishly waving his hand, but she refused to call on him. Instead she called on Crispy. Crispy said "I was fascinated when I watched the TV show on volcanoes." The teacher again said "I'm sorry Crispy, but you too used a different form of the word. I need just the word "fascinate". Crispy lowered his head in shame. This continued until finally no one had used the word correctly...and Johnny was still waving his hand. Finally the teacher gave in and called on Johnny. "Johnny, can you use fascinate in a sentence?" Johnny said "sure teach". He said "My aunt wears a blue sweater with ten buttons." The teacher, with a puzzled look on her face said "Johnny, that doesn't contain the word fascinate at all." Johnny said "Oh I wasn't finished teach......My aunt wears a blue sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight." :huh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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