Alloy Dave Posted June 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2006 "You just happened to catch my eye." That's funny... I know a similar one that goes like this. A girl in high school has a hairlip, so she's been a bit shy and not attended many social events. She finally works up the courage to go to her high school prom, realizing this is the crowning event of her high school years and will provide memories for a long time to come. Unbeknownst to her, there is a nice looking young man who is similarly shy, largely due to the fact that he had an accident as a child and has a wooden eye. People often make fun of him, so he keeps to himself. He also decides to risk it one more time and attend the prom. When the girl arrives at the dance, she sits quietly on the bleachers, hoping for a nice young man to ask her to dance. One by one, the songs play, but no one asks. Finally, towards the end of the night, she spots the nice looking man approaching her. She gets a bit nervous, but keeps her composure. As he arrives, he smiles softly. She is focusing on his pretty smile when he says "Hi, my name is Ken...would you like to dance?" She responds excitedly "Would I, would I!", and her speech impediment shows in her accent. To which he replied "Hairlip, hairlip". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldimp Posted June 17, 2006 Report Share Posted June 17, 2006 The Worst Age "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted June 17, 2006 Report Share Posted June 17, 2006 ok, you want groaners, huh ? ;-) A man arives from rural Italy in NYC and one thing he always has wanted to do is visit Macy's during the holidays. Roaming the store for hours he needs a pit stop and, seeing one of Macy's courteous floorwalkers, asks her " Escusade, you tella me, please, where is a resta room?" The floorwalker points to the moving staircase and says "Escallator." To which the man replies "Escallator?! ...but I gotta go righta now!" < I accept the groans as a sign of bonding ;-) > And did you hear about the butcher who acidentally backed into his meat grinder? He was ok, but did get a little behind in his work. <bod-a-bing> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted June 17, 2006 Report Share Posted June 17, 2006 Hel-lo! You guys are KILLIN me over here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldimp Posted June 17, 2006 Report Share Posted June 17, 2006 My Grandpa My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said, "Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look small!" Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted June 17, 2006 Report Share Posted June 17, 2006 : your grandpa was a wise man. ;-) : ...and somehow you still turned out ok! <just kidding> (edit:) somehow that doesn't sound right... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted June 20, 2006 Report Share Posted June 20, 2006 Okay - here's a true story. My 87 year-old mom is in an assisted living facility. She has Alzheimer's - a very cruel disease - but she still gives us a laugh now and then. (and remarkably, she remembers that she has Alzhemeimer's...!) One of the staffers where she lives overheard mom talking to a newly moved-in resident. Mom: "Hello there, dear. I know why I'm here - do you know why you're here?" :bandance: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted June 20, 2006 Report Share Posted June 20, 2006 Okay - here's a true story. My 87 year-old mom is in an assisted living facility. She has Alzheimer's - a very cruel disease - but she still gives us a laugh now and then. (and remarkably, she remembers that she has Alzhemeimer's...!) One of the staffers where she lives overheard mom talking to a newly moved-in resident. Mom: "Hello there, dear. I know why I'm here - do you know why you're here?" :bandance: My mom too, Bryan. She couldn't remember what she said 15 seconds ago, but could sing the words to every song ever recorded before 1950! She used to amaze the nurses and activities director. She died in '97 at 87. My wife and I used to marvel at how things go full cycle... she was like a child again, but with no short term memory. Fortunately her long term memory was like chiseled in stone, so she had that to hold on to. Now we're repeating with Jan's mom... wish you the best with yours -- it's never easy. Wait! I can see it all now: Stangs Unleashed; April 2042; Ford's 75th Anniversary GT1000KR-CS: Seniors nationwide revolt when nursing homes attempt to limit them to one hour online at 'stangs unleashed, some kind of cult retro forum/blog site where old-timers revel in the days of yesteryear mustangs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orf Posted June 20, 2006 Report Share Posted June 20, 2006 Back in the early 1800's, a school marm named Miss Jones decided to head west to teach the children of the frontier. Against the wishes of her friends and family, she opted to travel by herself. Although she had heard countless stories of what heathens the Indians were, she didn't believe that to be true and thought that she could learn something from the Indians in the unlikely event that she met up with any. After three days on horseback, she encountered and Indian brave, with a single feather in his headband, standing on the path she was following. She stopped her horse, and asked somewhat timidly, "Oh my! What is the meaning of that single feather in your headband?" The brave replied, "Mmm. It mean I strong warrior. I f*** ‘em one squaw, and I f*** ‘em well!" Miss Jones replies, "How hostile!" She kicked her horse and continues on. The next day she encounters another brave standing in her path. This brave has two feathers in his headband. Again, Miss Jones engages the brave in conversation. "Oh my! What is the meaning of those two feathers in your headband?" The brave replied, "Mmm. It mean I great warrior. I f*** ‘em two squaw, and I f*** ‘em well!" Shocked, Miss Jones replied, "Oh Dear!", and continued on without delay. Two days later, Miss Jones sees another Indian standing in her path. His headband is full of feathers, and the feathers continue in a train down his back, all the way to the ground. True to form, Miss Jones said, "Oh my! What do all of those feathers mean?" The Indian replied, "Me greatest of all warriors! Me f*** ‘em all squaw! Me f*** ‘em all well!" Miss Jones said, "How hostile!" The chief said, "Hostile, doggie style, any style. Me f*** ‘em well!" Miss Jones, not believing what she just heard, replied, "Oh dear!!" The chief said, "No deer! A$$ too high, run too fast." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted June 20, 2006 Report Share Posted June 20, 2006 68 - I like your style! Imagine me at 87 years old! They'll have to pry my license out of my hands! Alzheimer's is a very cruel disease. Dealing with my mother is exhausting at times. And - she feels so lost. Very sad stuff. I hope they find some meds to help - and soon. Never mind Iraq - how about a War on Cancer and Alzheimer's and MS? Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldimp Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 High Urinals! A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." "No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldimp Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And, I need to get some close-up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?" AND: A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! ?I'M BROKE!" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 Good ones... the visual of the jockey, priceless.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaylan1521 Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet Cuddles on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," the vet replied. "How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead"? "The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted June 21, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." :huh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet Cuddles on the table... Oh, man... good one, Kaylan... gott remember that one for our Doc ;-) "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." :huh: I love it...another good one, Dave! Ya know why you can drink so much more beer than you can milk? Beer doesn't have to change color! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldimp Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 Rednecks Are Good at That Sensitive Stuff Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted July 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2006 QQ: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? AA: Because if they pulled them by the feet, they would fill up with rocks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted July 6, 2006 Report Share Posted July 6, 2006 QQ: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? AA: Because if they pulled them by the feet, they would fill up with rocks. ouch! ...and later... ouch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wildosvt Posted July 6, 2006 Report Share Posted July 6, 2006 QQ: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? AA: Because if they pulled them by the feet, they would fill up with rocks. The punch line I like is "fill up with dirt" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldimp Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said,"you might as well sweep the sidewalk." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 If that story is true - I'll just bet you're REAL FUN to live with! :happy feet: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said,"you might as well sweep the sidewalk." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. Which reminded me of this e-mail I received the other day which exemplifies the differences betw women and men (I generally leave out the ;-) HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. * Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old guy Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 Hey Oldlimp - Tell her that YOU'LL do the lawn if she lets you do all the mods you want to your GT500... Then get one of these http://www.colorado-robotics.com/Robomower...D/Robomower.wmv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
68fastback Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 Hey Oldlimp - Tell her that YOU'LL do the lawn if she lets you do all the mods you want to your GT500... Then get one of these http://www.colorado-robotics.com/Robomower...D/Robomower.wmv That's pretty slick -- in the cat underground community it's known as the great evil mulcher ..heard they're working on a new secret prototype: robowife... cooks and cleans without generating any polution and won't give you a limp (though some limps are better than others) <just kidding, honey...> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cutter Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 Guy walks into a Ford dealer and says " I want to buy a new shelby for invoice".....you guys fill in the punch line....my salesman is still laughing his ass off..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUFDRAFT Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 68 - I KNOW you KNOW why we're laughing. Because this resonates with us! My wife - no exaggeration - will spend almost an hour "getting ready" to leave the house (shower - blow dry, yada, yada, yada) I can do the same in 10 minutes. If we're going out somewhere on the weekend - I'll do my thing downstairs - and then kick back in the recliner and wait. When she comes down - all I have to do is say to her something like, "Oh - I guess you like the way that looks," and she's back upstairs changing everything. For real. Then - we walk out to the car - she gets in - and the first thing she does is flip down the sun visor and checks her hair. WE JUST WALKED 20 FEET. Sweet Baby Jesus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ipchay61 Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 My wife would fuss about me not helping with the laundry. One day, I decided to do something about this and when I heard the dryer buzz, I got off my butt and started folding clothes. Then I took the wet clothes out of the washing machine, put them in the dryer, and started it. When she got home, she went down to the laundryroom, saw how helpful I had been, then proceeded to fuss about how I: a ) didn't fold the clothes right b ) didn't separate the wet clothes before putting them in the dryer c ) selected the wrong heat and load size setting on the dryer d ) didn't take the clothes upstairs and put them away e ) "somethings" need to air dry I thought for a second and said "If I had taken them upstairs and put them away, you'd be fussing because you had to take all the clothes out of the drawers and refold them. If I'm gonna get fussed at no matter if I help with the laundry or not, I'll choose the latter and save my energy for watching TV." Didn't go over to well! -Chip in SC p.s. the above story is true and I rarely get fussed at about the laundry anymore. Been married going on 23 years now. Go figure! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alloy Dave Posted July 21, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 Then get one of these http://www.colorado-robotics.com/Robomower...D/Robomower.wmv Get one of what? A newspaper? Or the chaise lounge? 68 - I KNOW you KNOW why we're laughing. Because this resonates with us! My wife - no exaggeration - will spend almost an hour "getting ready" to leave the house (shower - blow dry, yada, yada, yada) I can do the same in 10 minutes. If we're going out somewhere on the weekend - I'll do my thing downstairs - and then kick back in the recliner and wait. When she comes down - all I have to do is say to her something like, "Oh - I guess you like the way that looks," and she's back upstairs changing everything. For real. Then - we walk out to the car - she gets in - and the first thing she does is flip down the sun visor and checks her hair. WE JUST WALKED 20 FEET. Sweet Baby Jesus. +1 Bryan. My wife is by no means glamourous...which I like. However, she does take an hour to get ready. She claims it's just because "I'M" lucky that I don't wear contact lenses, don't have long hair that has to be dried, don't have to wear makeup, and don't have extra undergarments like bras. I said to her "Well, cut your hair short like mine, wear glasses, don't wear makeup like me, and you can certainly leave that bra off." She said to me "If I do that stuff, you'll look at other women instead of me." I said "I do that anyway" (well, I actually didn't say that....but you know what I mean). Dave A Mustang enthusiast walks into a dealership and asks about a Shelby GT500 Mustang. The sales person says "I'm sorry, we're all out of Mustangs". The guy says "...oh...ok...well then, how about a Cobra Mustang?". The sales person says "Like I said sir, I'm sorry, we're all out of Mustangs". The guy says "...oh...ok...I didn't understand...now I'm with you. Well then, how about a California Special Mustang?". The sales person says "Ok, let's try this. Can you spell MUST, like in "Mustangs"? The guy says "Sure, M - U - S - T" The sales person says "Ok, good...now, can you spell TANG, like in "Mustangs"? The guy says "Sure, T - A - N - G" The sales person says "Ok, great. Now, can you spell FUC , like in "Mustangs"? The guy says "There ain't no FUC in "Mustangs"" The salesman says..."That's what I've been trying to tell you". Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old guy Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 Get one of what? A newspaper? Or the chaise lounge? Geez Terry -- I gotta tell you everything. Get one of each! And don't forget the cigar and the Guinness! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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